Enthusiastic consent (Trigger warning)

[ExaminingtheManual]

I am feeling very confused about something that happened and would really appreciate some advice. I don't want to go too much into my past other than to say I have been SA'd several times by different men and I'm worried this is clouding my judgement on this.

I have been single for a while and was asked out for a drink by a guy I met at work. I usually wouldn't get involved with people at work but this guy was just visiting for the week and I was definitely attracted to him, he was very complimentary etc. He asked for my number and once I'd accepted, his demeanor changed and he starting to act very "handsy" at work which made me uncomfortable but i guess I was flattered by the attention (something I'm feeling alot of shame about now) .

Despite these huge red flags, we went for a drink a few days later and we ended up kissing. I was definitely reciprocating his advances at this point but I had come on my period that day and had already made my mind up that I wasn't going to sleep with him. Because it was straight after work, he asked after one drink if we could go back to his hotel to drop his stuff off and then we'd go back out. Like an idiot, I agreed.

As soon as we got there, we started kissing again and he became quite pushy about having sex. I kept repeating "I'm on my period, this is not happening" and tried to just keep to kissing (stupid I know but I liked this guy). Anyway, eventually he kept pushing so I just agreed and we had (crappy) sex for hours. I know I could have left the hotel but it felt easier (and safer) to just go along with it and convince myself I wanted this too. I'm not saying this was rape, but I definitely feel my boundaries were violated and he knew he "wore me down" into having sex with him. During sex, he also asked to remove the condom which I stupidly allowed because I wanted him to just finish. I now see he just wanted to see how far I would let him go to disrespect me.

Afterwards was weird, as he cuddled me all night and asked me to let him know I'd got home safe in the morning. I think this is where my past trauma comes into play, as what happened that night was a regular occurance with ex-H and is in some way a familiar feeling and I couldn't quite wrap my head around it at the time.

I've realised he's definitely a fuck boy and probably does this to women regularly. I'm feeling very stupid and taken advantage of and am dreading seeing him again at work functions (although this won't be very regularly). I'm very angry at myself right now for allowing this all to happen, for not listening to my gut instinct, for letting someone past my boundaries when I promised myself never again. What's really bugging me is that there was definitely not enthusiastic consent from my part before we had sex but then ultimately I was kissing him back and did text him for a few days afterwards, so it all feels very confusing.

Don’t be angry with yourself; get an std check and a pregnancy check to be safe. Find some therapy and avoid men for a while

Agree with @Shoxfordian‘s advice. I think this was coercive and unpleasant on his part and bordering on assault. You could report it to the police, especially if you feared what he would do if you tried to leave. However, I think the police would likely say it wouldn’t be possible to prosecute because of the he said/she said nature of it and the blurred boundaries. That’s not right but I suspect that’s what they’ll say.

Women should be safe with men but we’re not helpless damsels in distress relying on men to rescue us - we can also look after ourselves and enforce our boundaries as well. Unless you genuinely feared what he would do if you attempted to leave, then yes you could have left.

Somewhere along the line, you have been taught that you need to give in to men’s sexual desires. That’s very sad, very wrong and makes you very vulnerable. Could you access some therapy around this? Probably best to avoid men while you work on these issues - unfortunately men with abusive tendencies tend to be able to sniff out vulnerable women. Remember your first duty is always to yourself.

Thanks for the replies. I don't want to report this to the police, I guess I just wanted some validation for how I feel and I'm just trying to process it all. This has put me off ever going near men again though and brought to the suface alot of unhealed trauma.

I think I was under a false sense of security with him, as a certain level of ethical/professional conduct is required in our jobs (working with vulnerable people) which makes the whole thing extra gross

So you really need to start looking for a counsellor.

Will you have to see him at work again?

Yes, it is likely our paths will cross at certain events but not regularly

Sorry he did this.

You're right that this wasn't OK. You shouldn't have to keep saying no - a decent man would have backed off at that point instead of continuing to push for sex.

You might want to speak to someone, like Rape Crisis about this incident and previous sexual assaults.

Have you read the shark cage analogy? https://www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Thank you @category12, that analogy is really useful (and terrifyingly accurate!).

There really is no safe place for women, even work!! I'm so angry with myself that he touched me at work and I didn't do/say anything and still bloody went out with him!!! It has me questioning everything I stand for and I'll be really upset if I find out he's done this to other women at work.

I've had counselling in the past and don't find it particularly helpful. I recognise I need proper trauma counselling but it's quite expensive and not available in the NHS. Believe it or not, I've done alot of work on myself and boundaries and felt I'd come a long way, but obviously this has shown me that I have a long way to go. I think I was blindsided by the work aspect and put alot of trust in background checks etc in our profession.

I just want this horrible icky feeling to go away

@ExaminingtheManual I don't have any helpful advice, but just wanted to say that the way you feel is totally justified - he is a complete twat and manipulated you and the situation. I'm really sorry.

I've had similar experiences to you and it's horrible. I remember actually being very confused when I have asserted boundaries and they've been respected - I was completely expecting to be pressured manipulated and though that was normal. Sadly I guess it is very common but it's not right.

Can you do something really nice for yourself? Just as a way of trying to remind yourself that you are deserving of love and kindness? Sorry if too cheesy!

Ugh what a nasty nasty man
he really pushed it didn’t he
and you should be able to to a hotel room and not get pushed into sex

many of us have had this sadly , and I agree with a PP who said to get some counselling and avoid men for quite some time

sorry this happened , shitty experience

Thank you, it really helps to know I'm not alone (but also angry this is so common). It's the betrayal of myself that I'm finding so hard. I guess at least I realised fairly quickly this was wrong, whereas it took me years to even recognise the other SA's as SA.

It will be next month where I will have to see him and I reckon I'll hear from him again as he knows I'll be there. How the hell do I navigate this and stay professional? I'd be devastated if anyone found out about this as I'm a very private person.

I think if he gets in touch, just say something like "No thanks, not interested in seeing you outside of work." If he pushes it, say "I'm going to block you now, I have been clear further contact is unwanted. Let's be professional at work and leave it at that".

And avoid being alone with him or any private conversation.

This 100%

It’s just a pattern, your patterns aren’t you - but you do need to get help to break them.

What a piece of shit this so called man is. Please stop blaming yourself, it's not stupid to think you should be able to kiss someone and that be that. He used coercion to have sex with you against your will. It's a form of rape.
You agreed a of fear. Fight/flight/freeze. You froze out of fear.
I agree with what others have said, it probably won't end in a prosecution but if you want to then inform the police. Maybe try Rape crisis, they are amazing and can also help you access counselling without pushing you to call the police.

He coerced you. You did not consent. This is rape. I’m so sorry.

I'd probably book in for an std screen first and foremost and if you ever cross paths again, give him a swerve or tell him to fuck off.

I'm sorry OP. These men are shits, playing on us just being nice and agreeing just to feel safe