Am I overreacting?

[Polly455]

So I’ve decided to see whether me and my ex can get back on track. We were together 8 years but broke up because of his inconsistency and high expectations getting me down.
He adamant he’s changed and now know what he wants.

it’s been 3 weeks and he has been making more effort but he’s done something that’s triggered me and I’m now wondering whether he has changed. There’s things in the bedroom he’s always going on about trying and I just don’t feel comfortable with it - this has always been the case. I’ve also not been feeling well recently headaches, sickness etc and dealing with a lot anxiety from the breakup (we were apart for a year). On top of that I’m struggling to feel the spark again which isn’t helping.

He told me that I’d turned into a right old woman and I instantly felt like I did before - it triggered me majorly. He’s since apologised and said he didn’t realise it would make me upset , but why wouldn’t he realise?

Am I overreacting or am I heading back to a dark place?

He hasn't changed Op, no matter what he says, actions speak louder than words. He's already having a go at you because you're not doing what he wants. It's only been 3 weeks, do yourself a favour and dump him

Just dump the twat already.

He adamant he’s changed and now know what he wants.

Yes, he does.
He wants you to feel undermined, insecure, & compliant to his sexual demands. He knows what critical behaviour you don't like from him, he knows what you are uncomfortable with sexually, & here he is, doing it again. With a side helping of personal attack.
He wants to have the upper hand, & have you so debilitated by his criticism & demands that you you allow him to have it.

He does not respect you. I doubt it's personal: he possibly just doesn't respect women. Men who have problems with women's sexual boundaries usually don't.

You've left him once - so you know you can do this.
Don't allow him to Hoover you back in again -
https://lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Nobody should feel pressured into doing anything sexually they’re not comfortable with, you were right to leave this relationship, he’s not changed and won’t change, walk away now.

People rarely change. It certainly doesn't sound like he has at all.

Why did you think it would be a good idea to get back together?

Agree with PP - everything you’ve said suggests it would be a very bad idea to get back together with him. Why is him knowing what he wants now supposed to be an inducement? Sounds like he always knew what he wanted. You don’t want the same thing. Best to keep him gone.

Reading this made me feel so sad for you, that you’ve not experienced what it feels like to be truly cherished and respected. I am an “old woman” so am scathing of that being an insult, which is what your DH was doing - he was trying to insult and put you down. My DH has this morning told me how pretty I am, made me porridge like he does most days, listened interestedly to me talk about gardening yet again, offered to do a task I was planning to do, sat cuddling me on the settee because he wanted to, oh and has never ever tried anything in the bedroom that he knows I’m uncomfortable with - he says the best turn on is that I always feel safe in his arms. Not once in our entire relationship has he belittled me.

Don’t take him back; he knows you don’t want to do whatever it is in bed so that should be the end of the conversation; not a starting point to negotiate

Only three weeks in and quite frankly you sound miserable.

I suspect this relationship ended for good reason. In the bin with him OP, relationships are supposed to add to and improve your life, not wither parts of you away.

I bet it's anal. I would dump him if I were you if he's like this already.

Nothing has changed, the reasons you broke up are the reasons you should break up.

So he's changed in 3 weeks? No, he hasn't. You're in for more of the same, if you get back with him.

He didn't even last 3 weeks? He hasn't changed.

His ‘high expectations’? Like what?
Actually, it doesn’t matter. The man is an ass

Why are you back with him!

No spark in the first three weeks isn't a good start.

Leopards don’t change their spots. My guess is he is wanting you back as it’s the easy option rather than trying to find someone else

dump and move on he is never going to change

His 'high expectations'? Where? In the bedroom?

Op, I'd dump him again. It's clearly not working: he's negging you and pressuring you to do sexual things you don't want. He hasn't changed.

@AlwaysAlba - I wish there were more men like yours on MN! ❤️

There’s things in the bedroom he’s always going on about trying and I just don’t feel comfortable with it

He told me that I’d turned into a right old woman

This is sexual coercion/manipulation @Polly455 . It's like when I was in my late teens and a bloke wanted me to do a thing in bed and it didn't appeal to me. He said 'that means you're repressed.' 😡 It's a tactic they use to try and make you do things you don't want to do.

You're probably struggling to feel the spark partly because he keeps trying to pressure you.

His ‘high expectations’? Like what?

I imagine for OP to be a sexbot rather than a person.

I think it was a mistake to go back with him, I'm sorry.

You are better off without him op