I’ll try to keep this brief and to the point but I’m looking for advice from anyone who has been in this situation and next steps taken.
We’ve been together for about 7 years (with young children) and in the majority of that time partner has been emotionally/verbally/financially abusive to varying degrees. We’ve had unsuccessful couples therapy in the past - he knew the right things to say during sessions but openly mocked the process afterwards. Things came to a head around 6 months ago when he was drinking nightly and his mood was at its worst, he agreed to get anger management counselling. This counselling has not happened and things are starting to slip on occasion although his efforts have been 85% better in that the anger issues appear to be under control so he probably feels he doesn’t need it, although there are underlying issues I feel need addressing that only therapy can do. He is pretty incredible around the house, probably does more than me in that sense, is great with kids and even mental load etc, so I feel I can’t complain on those more common gaps that I see so often.
The issues are that when all the anger and abusive is lifted, all that’s left is a purely functional relationship. We work well as a co-parenting team, the house runs smoothly, things are efficient, and perhaps I take that for granted (?!) which is why I’m worried I’m just feeling too entitled maybe? We have had separate bedrooms for 4 years, we’re like flatmates with no desire to be intimate from my side. I know this stems from the fact he has been so verbally abusive in the past and to be honest still doesn’t really talk to me like he even likes me, it’s like he tolerates me. And I don’t have anything in the emotional tank to even WANT to try to get closer to him as he is so cold and disinterested in who I am as a person. I realise he’s had to take the financial burden of the family whilst we raised our babies but I feel like we are two people just existing for the children and the mortgage and if finances weren’t and issue we wouldn’t be together. I have tried to initiate a break before but he says he doesn’t want me to compromise him financially, so it’s like he only cares about his credit (he would t have got a mortgage without me due to his past issues). Our mortgage is due for renewal and I honestly feel like refusing to sign and instead insist we sell.
Surely we all deserve to feel loved and emotionally safe within our homes? I feel like a shell of a woman and just feel that if it were me and my babies I could be more at peace and do things without walking on eggshells or feeling like I’m going to be critiqued or made to feel bad for every decision I make. Or am I expecting too much and it’s actually me being the problem by disassociating and not actively trying to rebuild the relationship when he has “stepped up” in many senses? I know the grass isn’t always greener and things will be a lot harder alone starting from scratch, plus I suffer with anxiety and depression which can make it hard to make decisions so I feel like I need grounding and realistic perspectives. Thanks for reading, would love to hear from those who have come out the other side whatever the result?