No contact with ex

[PennyLane12345]

My ex is emotional and verbally abusive. We have been separated for almost 3 years now and it still continues. He also treats are kids this way. Our oldest is 12 and is refusing to see his dad now. He has refused visitation since November 2022 and has not spoken through phone/texts to his dad since January of this year.

He is dating someone new which is fine, I have zero feelings towards him. However, she does have boundary issues and has overstepped multiple times. When I speak up about this, he gaslights me. Every time. Most recently, he signed my kids up for extra curricular activities without discussing it with me and his gf called the organizations making requests about my kids ex - what teams they would play on. I was completely in the dark. When I confronted them about this I was not mean, I was assertive and said like a boundary was crossed again, these types of decisions are mine and his. Again it turned into I'm out of line and I need to watch my boundaries. Very pointless of me to say anything but my anxiety was through the roof and I felt very upset about the situation.

I have decided to go no contact with him until our parenting plan is settled. I cannot deal with him anymore. I let him no I was blocking him completely until it's sorted and for any type of emergencies he could go through our mutual contact. I have had years of emotional/verbal abuse from him and so have my kids. My two youngest are still required to go to his care which can be facilitated without contact. On switch days he just picks them up at school and vice versa.

Is this unreasonable?? Me asking this feels like just needing validation that I am sane as I have been gaslit so often I question my sanity regularly with my reactions to him.

Sure I've just read this exact post?

Sounds reasonable to me. There’s no need for regular chat…. He can get a message to you in an emergency via the mutual contact so all is good.

Obviously I don’t know the full story, can only go on what you’ve said. I don’t think calling up and asking what team the children would be on is overstepping. Your ex booked it, so I assume it’s being paid for and managed by their household. She made a quick call to find out logistical information. What did she do with with that information?

Is he truly abusive ? If he is abusive towards your children I would be keeping them away from him and I would try and move a long distance away. Can you look into that? Sorry if this isn't practical but surely your kids should be kept away from him.

But I think the boundary sounds reasonable.

You are doing the right thing OP

From what you've written it sounds like a massive overreaction from you. It's never in the kids best interest for their parents not to speak but if it's too much for you then there really isn't another way. The only example you've given is the gf trying to figure out logistics for a sport which doesn't sound like the end of the world really. Sounds like he's interested in his kids and has signed them up for an activity he's paying for?

Mm ok then.

He signs them up for activities without including me, intentionally tries to keep me in the dark about everything, comes to my house uninvited and walks right in, tries to get my kids to call her and her kids mom, brother, sister, my kids barely know her, he attacks me verbally on email and text on a weekly basis, he doesn't pay child support or expenses, he verbally attacks my kids and scares them. I've been dealing with this for years. Tell me, What would be an appropriate reaction?

He is emotionally and verbally abusive yes. I cannot keep him away as we have a custody arrangement I have to follow. When the kids get older they can have more say as our 12 year old has done.

This is not a household, my kids barely know her and she has not been around long. She called and asked, not for logistics, she asked their teams get change to another team.

The issue that they are "managing it" and intentionally withholding info from me, is ok?