Is grief messing with my relationship expectations

[embod]

So this might be a long so I thank you in advance if you get to the end.
I’ve been in my current relationship for 8 years. Both divorced. He has 3 children and I have 2. We lived together with my children and see his at weekends. No issues with the children we all get along great. We have lovely family holidays together etc and the kids get on great. So far seems like the ideal.

My issue has always been that my parter is brilliant when we’re altogether - He’s engaged and brilliant dad and step dad - but he finds it hard if his kids are not here.

when it’s just me and my kids I feel he feels guilty and struggles to be around us. He’s always doing things and ‘popping’ places.

this has come to a head lately after I lost my own father in January. I’ve been in a bad place and really struggling. I know I’ve not been the easiest person to be around but I feel like he’s always looking for excuses to not be home, especially if it just me and my kids. I’ve challenged him on this and he’ll always deny it.

I’ve been ill the last few days and he’s hardly been around. Leaving me to manage all the care for my children to me (in fairness they’re 11 and 16 so not babies or anything) When he’s home he’s proactive and helping with household stuff but can’t seem to cope with anything to with childcare.

Reading back I know this sounds so little and given what I put up with in my last relationship seems pointless but losing my dad has made me look at things differently. The loss of my dad has left such a void and maybe I’m comparing my partner against a standard he could never compete with.

thanks for anyone who made to the end and I'm not sure what im asking but I think it’s that I don’t feel my partner is fully invested in me and more importantly my children.

The loss of my dad has left such a void and maybe I’m comparing my partner against a standard he could never compete with

Yes, but if that's the standard you want, it's the standard you want. Maybe losing your dad will change the way you see your relationships, maybe it will make you raise your bar. This has always been an issue for you; what's stopped you from doing anything about it before?

Why do you expect your partner to be "invested" in your almost teenage children? He hasn't adopted them or anything, they are your children and by proxy of the situation, they're most probably important as part of the circumstances (ie relationship), if the relationship ended, would he care about them?

No issues with the children we all get along great. We have lovely family holidays together etc and the kids get on great.

Not really sure what your problem is.

When he’s home he’s proactive and helping with household stuff but can’t seem to cope with anything to with childcare.

What, exactly, should he be doing about childcare? Your kids are 11 and 16, they don't need constant supervision, and he isn't their father or their stepfather. He's your boyfriend. I think you're expecting too much. Do you provide childcare for his kids? If you do, why?

my problem is this ideal only exists when his children are here otherwise he’s always busy. As I said I feel he can’t be fully present and feels guilty for any relationship he has with my children.

Well he is their step father as he’s been part of their lives since they were 3 and 8. He’s not just a boyfriend! Childcare might be the wrong word but I see us as a family after all these years. When his children are with us I don’t see things differently and don’t disappear on the rare occasions mine are at their dads and his are here.

Because we’ve been together 8 years. Why wouldn’t I want a partner who is part of their lives. I consider myself part of his children lives.

Life. Being scared. Settling after a really difficult relationship.
This is perhaps what I needed to hear.

Sometimes it’s take a change like a loss and grief to show how things are

I don’t think this can be sustainable as it sounds like he is lying to himself about what he really wants in life , probably because he has feelings for you

and it’s not optimal for your kids really

Sometimes it can be difficult to accept that your standard is not the "gold standard"; nor is it the best or only standard. It is however what you want.

From your description it does not sound as though any of the children involved are unhappy or complaining. It sounds as though all but you are satisfied with the accommodations and adjustments that have been made. I seems as though you are trying to fix a cup from which everyone is happily drinking.

At the end of the day, if you are unhappy it doesn't matter that everyone else is happy or relatively satisfied, you have a right to act in your own best interest. However, don't confuse the issue by saying that you are doing it for the children as the children do not seem to n be at all unhappy with things as they are.

Thank you for your messages.

you are right @Mari9999 the kids are happy and there are no issues there at all. Something I know doesn’t always happen in all blended families.

I think my struggle is that my dad was all about family and did so much for us all. He put us first and guided us so well. His passing has really made me look at my own children. Their actual father is pretty useless. No doubt he loves them and they love him but in terms of guidance and support they will get nothing from him. I’d hoped my partner might offer that but it hasn’t been forthcoming.

i know my partner loves me but I’m not sure that is enough anymore.

OP, give yourself a bit of time. Making decisions in the midst of grief may not be the best time. Comparing your partner's impact on your children life in comparison to your father 's impact on your life, may be an unfair comparison and one that is actually better made down the road.

Your children may be confused by your ending a relationship that was ostensibly working well for the family. However, it is you who needs to be satisfied with this relationship.

Thank you. I agree it’s too soon to be making any big decisions. I know I’m grieving terribly for my father.