Don’t know how to fix this

[Messedup7363]

name changed for this

I messed up yesterday.

DH wanted to get some intimate time and I just wasn’t feeling it. I’ve been particularly stressed and tired lately so it is a pattern. In that moment I was actually feeling really off and my vision was blurry, but he didn’t know that. In retrospect, I now know that I was in the early stages of a bad migraine, but I didn’t know it at the time. When he tried to make his move, i said “I wanted to get it over with before my shower”. I regretted it the second I said it. I apologized immediately. I don’t know why I said it. I was basically trying to just go ahead and do it even though I wasn’t really in the mood because I want to be intimate with my husband and I want us to have a good sex life, but why on earth I vocalized my lack of enthusiasm I have no idea. Why I thought an early migraine was the time to forge ahead, again, no idea. I’ve been very stressed and busy and we had time.

he made it clear he wanted space and I gave it to him.

the full-blown migraine with debilitating pain and incapacitation hit during the night.

im now on the tail end, stuck in bed in a dark room and just a low level headache as long as I stay like this.

he is so hurt and I don’t know how to fix it.

I can’t change the fact that I’ve been tired and stressed lately. I know our intimacy has faltered, but I still love our sex life.

Ah just apologise and really mean it. Don't beat yourself up too much

Yes I agree. If you normally communicate well, just tell him what you told us. We all slip up sometimes and say things the wrong way. Good luck!

All you can do is sincerely apologise and tell him what you said was in no way a reflection of how you feel about him, it was about how you were feeling physically at the moment. Do not grovel.

Migraines make me weird. I get all detached, emotionally, and I can't form sentences properly. Amongst other stuff.

Are you aware that your migraine may have made you say something or even feel something you usually wouldn't? They are freakish things. Google 'migraine and mood', it might help you feel better. And the prodrome stage is often the bit where we get 'signs' without actually knowing we have a migraine, so what you said/how you felt were a sign.

What you did is ok.

What would he normally be like if you said 'No, I don't feel like it'? Is he accepting and respectful of that, or would he push/sulk?

He is respectful.

He does ask frequently and given my reticence due to ongoing stress and exhaustion these days it means I am turning him down frequently. It is taking its toll on both of us. If this had happened in complete isolation, I would be less concerned.

I hope you feel better soon, OP.

I’d tell DH the truth, that you were just starting an excruciating migraine and the words came out wrong. A migraine isn’t just a bad headache: you weren’t thinking clearly.

Make it clear you love him, you love having sex with him, you’re sorry you blurted it out but you can’t think of sex when you’re in the grip of a migraine.

Have you had a proper conversation with him, about how you don't feel like it much lately? It sounds from what you said yesterday that it's starting to feel like something you do as a favour to him, rather than something you do together as a way to bond?

If he's respectful, he'll understand that your drive has dipped and he's going to have to manage for a bit with less. He could really show his love for you here by being accepting of where you're at. You wouldn't really have said what you said if you hadn't felt pressured.