Is my relationship doomed?

[HMum19]

Bit of back story, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 15 months. I have a child from a previous relationship.
We have always taken our relationship very slow, in the beginning he told me he was "scared" of being a stepdad / getting involved in that part of my life and because it was early days and we were just "casual" (neither of us were looking for a relationship, just started off as a bit of fun), I didn't think too deep into it. Fast forward a bit of time and we got on like a house of fire and ended up in a relationship.
I didn't introduce him to my son until 8 months in, and since they have, they've got on great. I've always been sure to take it slow though even after they met. Recently though, I can feel that things have got more intense between us, as though we have fallen for eachother even more, I've let my walls come down and we've spoken about the future a lot more. He's even said he wants a child with me (not yet but in the future). This has all been really nice.
But suddenly, today, when on the park with my little boy (my LO had run off playing with his friends) he said he was scared of being a stepdad, and the responsibilities of it etc. I was just like oh? What are you scared of exactly, tried to talk it out with him. He didn't give me a lot to work with. He said "well when the time comes (that we move in together) I suppose I'll have to be step dad then". I really didn't like this comment, or the whole conversation, because it was just really negative to what is the biggest part of my life, my son. The discussion became a bit heated, I said to him "well being stepdad (or at least the attributes of step dad) I'd expect to start before me move into together? As I don't want to waste my time and us get another year down the line and you to turn around and say you're still scared and don't want this life?"
He said in response "well at that point at least we had a nice time together?" I was shell shocked. Who says that so someone they love? Like, expecting to break up? I feel like this is a thought he has had, that he foresees himself not wanting that life/ future with me so just enjoying it with me for the time being.
Anyway, I got very upset, embarrassingly on the park, and basically said I won't allow someone to talk so negatively about the biggest part of my life, I want someone who wants me for me and every part of me, including my son. I feel like a year down the line he should have a bond with my son whereby he is excited for the future with us BOTH.
He left as he had something he had to go to, but I have been devastated all day, as I feel like I thought we were going in one direction, and he clearly isn't.
What are peoples opinions on this conversation? Am I right to be upset, or am I overreacting? What way forward is there?
I won't allow myself to be someone's placeholder, and I'm fearful that that is what I am.

Jeezo op. I think you shot yourself in the foot.

Not every relationship has to mean the partner has to become a stepdad. It also sounds like he indicated he wasn't keen on that from the start.

It sounds like you've had a fun 15 months but its ran it's course now. It sounds like he is telling you he doesn't really want to be a step dad.

But perhaps he just wants to know more about what you want from him regarding your son. Have you ever discussed what it would actually mean? For example, things like are you OK with him disciplining your child?

He may just not know what you'd expect his role to be. Or he may want no part in fathering (which is fine too as, he is not the boys father).

You needed really to talk long before thus about what you both wanted from the relationship ultimately. It may be he just wants a relationship.
And if that doesn't work for you then you need to find someone who is also happy to coparent kids. Many won't be.

But actually sit down and have a chat without biting his head off. He may just need to know what you want from him going forwards.

I won't allow myself to be someone's placeholder, and I'm fearful that that is what I am.

I absolutely agree with you, OP. You've done everything right, you've taken it slow. You've understood that neither of you wants to rush into anything - and that because a child is involved then things need to be right.

However, you are at the point now I think where he either accepts that you and he have a future together and starts to step up to his role as step dad - or you call it a day. He's had long enough to decide if you are 'the one' and if he is prepared to accept that you came with a ready made family.

He now needs to piss or get off the pot.

You haven't done anything wrong and you're not overreacting. But you definitely need to sit him down and ask if he is happy and prepared for this to work because you and your son come as a package.

I agree with the poster above that finding out where he stands in terms of parenting itself is essential. It might be that he wanted to move in with you but not take any responsibility for your son. If that's not what you want you need to let him know.

Its important to discuss this before making any plans to live together or have children together.

I can understand why you’re upset personally. I had my eldest young (he’s nearly 30 now) so I wouldn’t have ever dated someone who didn’t want to accept that I had a child and any future meant being a stepdad. I wasn’t interested in flings and this relationship doesn’t sound like a fling. If he’s in love with you that’s a very flippant comment to say that at least you’d have had fun etc. How rude. I’d be really upset about that too. That said I’d tread carefully. My relationship with father of DS2 and DD broke down due to step parent issues. It scarred me for life. It’s been over 12yrs and I’m still hurt by it. Ex DP is still hurt over it (even though he caused it) and DS1 is still hurt over it. I have waited until DS2 and DD were old enough to not ever need to be in a step family (youngest is 15). I couldn’t go through that again. So I’d advise you to be very careful. My ex was basically jealous of my close relationship with my son and it caused so much heartache. Nothing wrong with this guy not wanting to be a step dad, but he shouldn’t be in a serious relationship with a woman with a child should he?

This is a tough one. He is telling you who he is and that he's not ready yet. Its a huge adjustment and would not have been against you or your son. He may just have a different vision for his future.

Can I ask how old you both are? Because, age dependent he may be feeling like there's a lot of time available. If you've already taken it slow, he may still want to proceed at a slower pace. There's a lot of question to be asked.

But, if your gut is saying he isn't invested and is unlikely to be. Follow it. You can't force someone to want to be a parent. And pursuing a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in that position is ultimately running on borrowed time. If that's the case you're best off ending it and finding someone who will be interested in all you have to offer. You'll both end up getting hurt and wasting time.

It sounds to me like you’re both coming from a place of fear. He seems to be scared of what the future might look like, having more of a role in your DS’s life, what that might mean. Have you ever asked him what his idea of being a “stepdad” is? It might be very different to the role you envisage. And then your fear feels like it’s coming from potentially losing him or him rejecting you (and to a lesser extent your DS).

if you could have a (on-going) conversation with him, where you can create a compassionate place to explore those fears, along with what expectations you might both have you could potentially work through this all. It may be though that relationship is a transient one, which could have run its course.

I'm sorry op, but I think taking on someone else's young child is a huge huge thing. It might seem ok at the beginning, but then reality hits. Of course lots of people are happy to do this, but lots aren't. It's for this reason I don't date men with children under 10, because I just don't want that. I think this guy probably just didn't think it all through. I know it's devastating for you, but it is the reality.

Agreed.

He knows I want my "forever person" (which I hoped would be him) to be involved in my sons life, and he has been fine with that. Like I said, they get on great, he gets involved with disciplining his needs be (which isn't often because he's a good boy) so he's comfortable with that. So I'm not really sure what aspect of "responsibility" he's scared of. But as I had, he wasn't giving me a lot to work with.
I am now thinking it was his way of telling me it isn't for him anymore, which I am devastated about, but not a lot I can do. We have open in-depth discussion about us / future a lot, especially recently, as I said, he has been saying he was children with me etc. Which is why I was really shocked to hear today that he is scared of being a stepdad? But happy to have another child with me? My son's biological father has no involved in his life, up and left when I was 7 months pregnant, so I would love for someone to come into his life and love him like his own. He deserves that. I won't live and continue to have children with someone who has no interest in fathering my son. He will grow up feeling less than.
Just so gutted, as I thought we were on the same wave length but clearly not :-(

It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on him to “love him like his own”. What specifically is it that you want him to do that he’s not doing?

Because if you are making vague demands, you are ratcheting up the pressure for possibly no reason.

I feel like I thought we were going in one direction, and he clearly isn't

So respect how you feel. Don't farm it out to a bunch of strangers on the internet to tell you if it's 'right' or not. Who decides what's the 'right' thing for you to feel? Whose responsibility is it to look after your feelings? If we all say you're 'wrong', will that magically make the feeling stop?

He said something, and it upset you. You need to talk it out with him, and work out if you're on the same wavelength.

Never question if your feelings are 'right' in a relationship. You wouldn't do it with anything else. 'Am I wrong not to like this film?'/'Am I wrong to not like peas?'/'Am I wrong not to like watching tennis?' These questions don't come up. You just accept that, in those circumstances, people who like things you don't can get on with it, and you won't be involved. And it's the same in relationships. If someone does things in a way you don't like, it doesn't have to be 'right' or 'wrong', and neither does the feeling you have as a result. You just leave people to do what they want, and spend your time with people who don't make you feel you're wrong to be who you are.

I haven't told him to "love him like his own" or put any pressure on him. Quite the opposite. I have taken things very slow and still continue to. However, if we are to grow our family and live together, I think it's completely valid to want my son to feel loved by his stepdad, especially if he has siblings he sees receiving love.
It isn't an uncommon or unreasonable thing I am desiring for mine and my sons future.

Despite this, it is his choice whether he wants that life or not. Just a devastating thing when I was under the assumption we were doing great

We are long time friends with a couple, the woman of which had a six year old son from her previous relationship. He moved in with her and her son after about a year but he never took on a stepdad role at all. He just let her get on with the parenting and stayed out of it. The lad saw his dad EOW and the arrangement worked well for all.
Over the course of the years the bloke and the lad formed their own natural and affectionate relationship and still enjoy one another now that the man is 53 and the lad 35.
Point being, the woman didn't look for or expect any fathering towards her son. None was ever provided. Everyone knew where they stood and they all get on great.
I think they dealt with the whole thing admirably.

To add, they did have a child together but much later on.

Reading your responses you're putting alot on him. Wanting him to be your "forever person" and replacement father for your son, it's a huge ask and so early on.

It's great that you've communicated your wants and desires but it may be coming off too strong. It's an immense amount of pressure. Also, I highly doubt he will love your child like his own, once he has his own. It won't be the same type of relationship at all. That is not to say he won't love him, but it will be different.

Probably best to move on from this one and maybe seek a partner who has children of their own. They will get where you're coming from and have the same wants as you.

It's great that you've communicated your wants and desires but it may be coming off too strong for his preference

I still think 15 months is early days.
Yes, you want to be sure you’re both broadly on the same page - that a committed relationship is something you both want, and that he understands that your son is the most important thing in your life.

But I wouldn’t be committing to anything more than what you have right now if I were him. I wouldn’t want to be moving in to ‘stepdad’ territory at this stage. It’s a huge commitment - to take on someone else’s child, to form a family with you etc. It shouldn’t be undertaken quickly or lightly.

I think his honesty about his feelings is actually a good sign. He’s taking this seriously. A guy who wanted to move in together and start playing Dad , or who claimed to live your son as his own, after a year together would be a big red flag for me.

Hello love. I recognise right away, he is not the one for you.

Reminded me of a last relationship I had where we were like a jigsaw puzzle that didn't quite slot right, but still great in so many ways. In the end after a few years, we parted ways and I have since found my forever man who is a wonderful step dad to my children. He was our perfect piece. Been together years.

Good luck, take care.

To be clear I haven't asked anything from more from him at this stage, this comment came very out of the blue whilst on the park with my son, which made it all a bit more hurtful for me (as though being in his presence brought on the apprehensiveness).
We live separately, and plan on staying this way for the foreseeable, I have made no signals at moving things along.
There was obviously more to the conversation that I haven't said, as it's a bit much to write a full on script, and also forgot certain parts of the conversation, but it was very much a negative conversation around the topic. If he had said "do you know what, can I have an honest convo and say I'm a bit scared, and this is why x y and z" then we could have discussed and I could reassure him etc. But he didn't give me anything to work with, just shrugged and said "I guess I'll have to be step dad when we live together" with a glum expression on his face.
Perhaps it is unreasonable of me, but I'd have hoped for a bit more positivity when talking about things like that future, especially when it regards my son, im sure you can understand me being protective of him when he's already been disowned by his father.
I just wanted someone who wants and is excited about every part of me, and that includes me son.
I suppose once I next speak to him I'll have my answers and we can both decide where we go from here.

I think it’s good he can tell you he is worried and voice those concerns. You both voiced your concerns today. Being a step dad is huge. Moving in together is huge. Having more children is huge. Getting married is huge.
It’s okay to worry about fucking things up especially when they scare you. Be proud of yourselves for communicating. And keep on doing it. If he is not right person then move on.

I don't think the OP is putting excessive pressure on, or making vague demands.

If he feels like this 15 months in, it's a significant concern. You're at the stage in a relationship when reality is biting and you're deciding whether this is likely to work out long term.

I disagree with posters who say this is too soon based on the obvious depth of the relationship, I never really get posters who seem to think you need to spend many years to get to that point - I often think they must be coasting in their relationships, allowing them to bubble along at a superficial level out of fear of things getting too deep, simply enjoying the moment.

8 months IMO is not slow. Though I feel your moving too quick despite you thinking you're taking it snail speed.

He's not stepdad unless you marry.

You want different things, it's over.

I often think they must be coasting in their relationships, allowing them to bubble along at a superficial level out of fear of things getting too deep, simply enjoying the moment.

No it's because kids come first & by taking it slow they're trying to avoid the impact of people coming & going, not turning out to be who they say they are etc.

OP's post case in point.

What more would you expect from him as 'step dad' than you do now?

It sounds like he's been lovely with your son.
You could easily have reassured him by saying "you're already doing it. Don't worry, there's no need to do any more than you do with him already. I'm just glad you both get along so well".