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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friendships - am I being paranoid?

2 replies

citygirl1961 · 01/04/2023 16:49

I hope someone can advise me that I am not going crazy and paranoid. I suffer from anxiety and depression, I changed my medication last year. I am having IAPT therapy at the moment for my anxiety and constant worrying.

The change of tablets have made me feel stronger in some ways, like I am no longer prepared to be messed around like I used to be. But they are bringing up emotions in me that I feel were blocked out before and I am also feeling paranoid, in particular feeling that my friends are excluding me, not all of them but the ones I see more regular seem to be.

First of all, a friend I used to meet with every Sunday afternoon, obviously couldn’t meet me during lock down, but I thought when that time was over that she would meet me again on Sundays. But no, she now says she needs to spend weekends with her son, who is in his late thirties and doesn’t have any disabilities or anything. She will meet me when I am on leave from work but that’s not often. We speak on the phone every couple of weeks but it’s always me who has to ring her.

Another friend who I have known for nearly thirty years and we have always been close. She’s always been a bit difficult to please but we’ve always got along. Her husband unfortunately died in October last year. When he was ill she leaned on me a lot and wanted my support. But since his death she is getting closer to another friend of hers which is fair enough, I have more than one friend, but I feel she I excluding me by always telling me how brilliant this friend is with her and how supportive she is. Whenever I suggest meeting up she tells me it’s too cold or too far and she always wants me to go her end of the city, yet she meets this other friend halfway and fits in with her. We do keep in touch though.

Another friend who I met at work about seven years ago, we get on really well and have just been on holiday together but she was a bit snappy with me while we were away and was spending a lot of time scrolling on her phone yet told me off if I just looked at one message. Plus she’s another who only wants to meet now and again or cancels plans sometimes for no reason.

Am I reading too much into this? I am trying to be strong about it and have decided to leave it to them to make arrangements with me in future but it doesn’t stop me feeling isolated. I am divorced (twice), live alone and I am happy to live alone but I value friendships.

OP posts:
GarlicGrace · 01/04/2023 17:01

My take on what you've shared:

Friend 1 is making up for what may feel like lost time with her son. She meets you when you've both got time to relax together, that seems fair enough.

Friend 2 is still grieving and processing cataclysmic life changes. You have to let people do this their own way; it will take 2 or 3 years at least to settle. Just keep letting her know you're around.

Friend 3 told you off for reading your messages? Not a friend, I fear.

I know the feeling of realising you're the one who does all the running - with me, it's not just friends but family as well. It's hard to appreciate that you may have dropped a few places in others' priorities as life events take over, but it's up to us what we do with that information.

You sound great at keeping in touch, but is it worth reviewing whether enough of your conversations are about them and their lives? It's bloody fantastic - and uncomfortable, of course - that you are now feeling your feelings more. This must be opening new perspectives to you, and it will take time to figure it all out. I'm wishing you well with this, and all the support you may need. But please be cautious of using your pals as free therapists.

pictoosh · 01/04/2023 17:13

I'd find meeting every Sunday a bit of a bind and would rather a more casual approach to things.

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