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Original poster

Advice on how to set boundaries

20 replies

User02838592 · 01/04/2023 10:41

Does anyone have any advice on how to set boundaries with a MIL that tries to parent, take over and monopolise their grandchildren even when the parents are present?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 01/04/2023 11:17

Just assert and reaasert what you want to happen. Dont be railroaded or go along with things you dont like for an easy life or to be nice.

What sort of thing do you mean?

Original poster
User02838592 · 01/04/2023 11:37

Thank you! I have tried to assert myself around her but I feel that I come across as being mean.

She does things like answering for us when someone asks a question about our children or interfering when we’re feeding them, getting them ready to go out etc. She also interrupts and takes my children off me if I try and do something with them when she’s present - it’s like she wants to be their sole focus.

I know that she means well but it’s hard not to let it bother me and it’s making me anxious every time we have to see her.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 01/04/2023 11:37

Be firm that you and your partner wish to do your parenting in a certain way. Be insistent and repeat. Also make sure your DH is on board and is equally firm with his parents. Of course it does depend what the issues are though!

NewNameNigel · 01/04/2023 11:39

Actions speak louder than words. State the boundary once and follow through with action that supports it. So many people state boundaries but then don't follow through.

ZekeZeke · 01/04/2023 11:45

Your DH needs to pull her up on this. Every Single Time.

Watchkeys · 01/04/2023 13:21

Has your partner had a chat with her about it? If not, why not? If so, what happened?

Original poster
User02838592 · 01/04/2023 14:01

I have tried to speak to DH about it but he won’t do/say anything as he is too scared to upset her. When I speak to him about it he says he doesn’t see it or think she is doing anything wrong - this is part of the frustration.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 01/04/2023 14:06

Then you're not dealing with a mil problem. You can't do anything about it except limit the time you spend with her. How about not going? Or going out when she comes over? How would he feel about that?

Does he listen to and respect your feelings generally?

Seaoftroubles · 01/04/2023 14:08

Your partners reluctance to support you is your main issue here. I think l'd be limiting visits to his parents unless he steps up.

Sprinkl3 · 01/04/2023 14:19

How old is the child? I hear things calm down when the kids get older

2bazookas · 01/04/2023 14:41

She does things like answering for us when someone asks a question about our children or interfering when we’re feeding them, getting them ready to go out etc. She also interrupts and takes my children off me if I try and do something with them when she’s present - it’s like she wants to be their sole focus.

Those examples could just be a cack-handed but genuine intention to help and support. She's just doing the wrong thing.

She answers other peoples' questions about your children because she's bursting with granny- pride. Daft but harmless.

If you're feeding them or getting ready to go out, I suggest you give her a clear single instruction tasking her to do one very specific thing ;
" Help me out, Mum, could you
get the pram down the steps
put Jim's wellies on him
take them to wash their hands
spoonfeed Amy
cut up Jims dinner

GreyCarpet · 01/04/2023 15:11

If your husband isn't backing you up or on your side that is the problem. You're not going to have the confidence to stand up to it because it'll feel (be) you against two of them.

He doesn't have too upset her but he does need to support you.

My ex mil had a problem with me excusively breastfeeding because it meant that I was 'denying everyone else the opportunity to feed the baby'. My ex husband told her that it was about the baby and not every one else. She argued that his brother's wife had ff and so everyone got a turn and was able to 'help' and he just repeated it. She was very persistent but he wouldn't even let me respond and dealt with it perfectly until she stopped mentioning it.

Tbf to him, he handled her really well. His brother didn't and we were both shocked at just how far she overstepped - their first baby spent its second night of life at its grandparents house without it's parents because she insisted. I never had any such issue.

Watchkeys · 01/04/2023 16:01

2bazookas · 01/04/2023 14:41

She does things like answering for us when someone asks a question about our children or interfering when we’re feeding them, getting them ready to go out etc. She also interrupts and takes my children off me if I try and do something with them when she’s present - it’s like she wants to be their sole focus.

Those examples could just be a cack-handed but genuine intention to help and support. She's just doing the wrong thing.

She answers other peoples' questions about your children because she's bursting with granny- pride. Daft but harmless.

If you're feeding them or getting ready to go out, I suggest you give her a clear single instruction tasking her to do one very specific thing ;
" Help me out, Mum, could you
get the pram down the steps
put Jim's wellies on him
take them to wash their hands
spoonfeed Amy
cut up Jims dinner

If she listened to and respected OP's wants, OP wouldn't be here.

Mari9999 · 01/04/2023 16:51

OP, it seems as though you and your husband have a difference of perception on the nature and severity of the MIL 's behavior.

It is perfectly acceptable for you to speak up when you perceive something to be unacceptable, but it is unreasonable to expect him to speak up when he does not share your perceptions.

There is a reasonable chance that you may offend your MIL and lose the benefit of assistance that in the future would have been quite helpful. If this situation is having a significant impact on your relationship with your children or with others, you should speak up.

Natty13 · 01/04/2023 17:10

User02838592 · 01/04/2023 14:01

I have tried to speak to DH about it but he won’t do/say anything as he is too scared to upset her. When I speak to him about it he says he doesn’t see it or think she is doing anything wrong - this is part of the frustration.

You need to tell him bluntly he can have either an upset mum or an upset wife and he should remember which one firstly loves him unconditionally (hint: the one who birthed him) and secondly whose bed he expects to sleep in every night.

He isn't doing anything about it because you aren't getting upset enough. This happened to me with my ex and I made sure he had my back because let's say life wasn't super easy for him when he chose to throw me under the bus. I'm usually a pretty easy going person but when you are easy going people take advantage of this and the more difficult person ALWAYS wins. So be difficult even if it is against your nature.

User0610139736 · 01/04/2023 17:23

Does she look after the kids sometimes when you go out? Would you be happy for her to? If so that might be a nice idea. She’ll get time with them being the person responsible for them, they’ll get a close relationship with her and you get time to yourself!

CurlewKate · 01/04/2023 17:31

It depends on how much time she spends with you. If it's not long and she's a trustworthy person I'd just let her get on with it and enjoy the free time!

Original poster
User02838592 · 01/04/2023 19:22

Oh I definitely agree that I have a DH problem, to be honest he’s just burying his head in the sand for fear of upsetting her. We had boundary issues with MIL from the start of our relationship and before we even had children.

I understand that she’s an excitable grandmother and I love that my children have such a good relationship with her but I don’t want it to be at the expense of my own.

OP posts:
GarlicGrace · 01/04/2023 19:33

CurlewKate · 01/04/2023 17:31

It depends on how much time she spends with you. If it's not long and she's a trustworthy person I'd just let her get on with it and enjoy the free time!

My first question was going to be about how often she sees the children? If it's a once-a-week visit, not all weekend every week, you're basically looking at normal doting grandmother behaviour. But your comment that this might interfere with your own relationship with DC suggests it might be more often.

Original poster
User02838592 · 01/04/2023 19:50

Sorry I should have added that she sees DC at least a couple of times a week and gets regular one on one time with them.

I thought this would help the situation as she gets her own quality time with DC but she doesn’t know how to step back when DH and I are about.

OP posts:
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