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Original poster

Don't know where to go from here

13 replies

Tricia08 · 31/03/2023 19:55

I've been married for over a decade. When dating there was physical intimacy. Even after our first was born 8 years ago he was interested. But within that first year with our lil one it dropped off. There was just enough intimacy to conceive another then pretty much nothing. It's now been years.

I've tried having discussions and he keeps saying he's interested and there's always a different reason why were not doing anything, but that it'll get better- but nothing happens. Was even told that I "prioritize it more than him" and "marriage is more than that."

When I tried to initiate in the past I was frequently turned down. So during our discussions have said that he needs to initiate if he wants something as I can't keep being rejected. He's not even mentioned anything or tried. He still gives hugs, strokes my arm while we watch TV and the procedural goodbye kiss as we go to work, but there's nothing else. I feel like I'm living and raising kids with a friend. He's a great father and we get along pretty well so it adds to the confusion.

I've even gotten to the point of suggesting an open marriage, but he shoots that down.

I've spent my 30's like this and I don't know if I want to do my 40's as well. I didn't agree to be celibate and I don't think it's fair to have no options. He doesn't seem to want to, but I'm not allowed to.

I just feel so alone in this, and that I'd be considered some evil witch for even trying or wanting to find my own physical happiness.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 31/03/2023 20:01

I would interpret arm stroking as 'shall we take this upstairs?' personally. Are you sure he isn't initiating and you're just not picking up on the signals?

Original poster
Tricia08 · 31/03/2023 20:37

In other relationships would've said yes. But this is more of the idle stroking while on device, while the TV is on. Inda like if you had a cat next to you. TV is in the bedroom and door stay open so we can hear the kids.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/03/2023 20:38

Well if he won't speak to you then it sounds like you have a difficult decision to make.

Have you told him that you aren't prepared to be celibate from now on and has he got a solution?

Original poster
Tricia08 · 31/03/2023 23:45

I've mentioned it, but it's always a case if "it'll get better." I'm so hesitant as I don't want to destroy my family.

OP posts:
LottieBuzz · 31/03/2023 23:56

Are you sure he knows how serious you are about this? If he read your post would he be shocked?

jjeanii · 01/04/2023 00:31

Have you tried massage or a weekend away from the kids ? Telling him that a romantic getaway would be good or something like that? Honestly he sounds a really good husband and dad and I hope he understands soon you need intimacy with him . It's kind of the opposite problem from having a man who you can't trust I suppose , I'd rather have your problem but I suppose you feel lonely. X

Zanatdy · 01/04/2023 01:37

I totally understand why you’re so upset about this. It’s not fair for one partner in a relationship to decide to be celibate which forces their partner into it too, against their wishes. I see woman on here a lot say they don’t want to split their family up because they want sex. As if wanting sex is something you shouldn’t want. You’re married. A sexual relationship is what sets the relationship apart from a friendship. There’s nothing wrong with wanting sex in your life. I’d personally feel very rejected if my partner didn’t want sex with me, or worse was turning me down all the time.

ManchesterGirl2 · 01/04/2023 01:44

I wonder if there's anything medical affecting his libido? Would he be willing to go for a check up?

Original poster
Tricia08 · 01/04/2023 13:32

LottieBuzz · 31/03/2023 23:56

Are you sure he knows how serious you are about this? If he read your post would he be shocked?

I don't think he'll be surprised by the content as we've had discussions about me not wanting to go on like this. The only surprise would be if I actually put some action behind it.

We talk and commitments are made, then things carry on as they are, until the next convo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tricia08 · 01/04/2023 13:38

Zanatdy · 01/04/2023 01:37

I totally understand why you’re so upset about this. It’s not fair for one partner in a relationship to decide to be celibate which forces their partner into it too, against their wishes. I see woman on here a lot say they don’t want to split their family up because they want sex. As if wanting sex is something you shouldn’t want. You’re married. A sexual relationship is what sets the relationship apart from a friendship. There’s nothing wrong with wanting sex in your life. I’d personally feel very rejected if my partner didn’t want sex with me, or worse was turning me down all the time.

Often I feel like there's something wrong with me for wanting it. As his approach is there more to marriage than that. Which is technically true, hut I thought marriage was supposed to at least include it.

It's very lonely and makes you wonder if there's something wrong with you. That the person who is supposed to want you-doesnt.

OP posts:
ElegantCow · 01/04/2023 13:39

Leave or accept it because if you cheat you will be found out and your children will hate you, coparenting will be very difficult. Either put up with it or separate honourably. Cheating is not the happy compromise you might think it is in your situation. Can't have it all in life I'm afraid!

Original poster
Tricia08 · 01/04/2023 13:39

ManchesterGirl2 · 01/04/2023 01:44

I wonder if there's anything medical affecting his libido? Would he be willing to go for a check up?

If there isbi doubt he'll want help. He Hayes doctors and hasn't been for a check up in years. Usually has only gone when there's been an issue he can't get around.

OP posts:
ToffeeNotCoffee · 01/04/2023 13:50

Is his name Barry ?

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