Just unhappy

[user50and]

This is a long one, please bear with!

I'm 51, have two DS, 18&13. Their DF and I split in Jan 2010 and I've been with my current partner since Sept 2012. He also has two DS 19&17 who live with their Mum 45 mins away and they stay with us occasionally, DP will go and watch them play sport every weekend.

In May 2019 we were having a break from our relationship (still living in separate homes) when my exH sadly passed away. DP supported the boys and I through this and we ended up getting back together. In June 2021 we decided to sell our houses and buy something together taking on a 5 year fixed mortgage. We are currently having an extension done which should be finished in around 3 months. The boys are doing well and we are really close, one is on a gap year and hoping to go to Uni in Sept, the other is in Y9. One of his is travelling, the other is in Y13.

I am struggling in our relationship and have been for some time. I regret giving up my independence and buying a house with him. I have realised he is controlling, knows everything and wants the final say on anything to do with the house, I don't bother suggesting anything or giving my opinion when asked anymore as it just gets dismissed. I am peri menopausal and have totally gone off sex with him. We rub along perfectly well most of the time but I don't fancy him and have lost respect for him. The lack of sex has probably been going on for around 6 years now. I feel awful about this but just can't force myself to have sex with him. I work full time as well but his job is 'far more' important than mine. I could go on but I'm just so unhappy, I want to go back to my previous life, just the boys and I, in our own place but I'm stuck in the middle of a 5 year fixed, and house extension. We can't afford to buy each other out but I don't know if I can stick it out for another 2.5yrs to sell. He called me ignorant the other day for not knowing about costs on the house (he is paying for the extension as I put in £100k more equity than him. We have a deed of trust in place), and I said something about him wanting me to bow down to him every time he sorts something with the builder and he said I want the same every time I do the laundry (that's all I do apparently).

I'm not sure what I'm after here but I'm so unhappy and have no motivation to do anything, I didn't used to be like this. I just want my old life back.

Did you ring fence your 100k ?

Put house on market

fact you are in five year fixed doesn’t stop you doing this

Can you just focus on yourself whilst emotionally detaching?

Concentrate on work and friendships and the future?

You can put the house up for sale in 2 years to complete when the deal ends.

What kind of a step dad is he?

We have a Deed of Trust in place. The plan was/is he pays the mortgage (and/or the build) until he reaches the £100k. He's been paying the mortgage since June 2021 plus this build so is already about there. If we sell, we then split the equity 50/50.

Put it on the market then. If he refuses, see a solicitor. Life’s too short to live like that. And thank god you didn’t marry him !

Life’s too short.. don’t wait until you feel “too old” to leave and feel as you thought you may aswell stay for this kids or the ease of not having to sell up. Be honest with him, sell up and be happy 😊

random that's what I'm thinking. Just try and concentrate on myself and the boys for the next 2 years. It feels like a waste but I think this is the only option?

vil he is a good stepdad, although quite argumentative with my eldest. He won't give in which causes friction sometimes and he's ALWAYS right. I thought about selling now but there's a £16k redemption which I suppose I could agree to pay as it's me initiating all this..

Presumably it's part way through building work, how long until it's finished?

Are you currently able to save money?

It’s worth checking with your bank re the fix. The rates have gone up so there may not be any /v small penalty to break the fix; it’s not that big a deal. Hope you are happy soon xxx

dusty and hye life IS too short and I think that's what's worrying me. A friend has recently been diagnosed with lung and liver cancer, she's the same age as me and I think it's made me rethink a lot of things.

I know he won't make it easy if I want to sell but I'll just have to see a solicitor.

He has been good to me over the years but him calling me ignorant, plus how much he's 'given up for me by buying a house together', that comment about the laundry plus my friend has just about pushed me over the edge. I feel a shadow of my former independent self and I hate it..

random hopefully around 3 months, the main extension, then another couple of months finishing off and redecoration. I'm putting away around £300 a month but have just got a promotion so should be able to up that a little..

Thank you this I'll give the bank a call, I just assumed it would be the same redemption as when we bought..

If you bought elsewhere could one of you port the mortgage?

I will ask, first thing I need to do is sit down and have an open and honest chat without him shutting me down and talking over me. He knows there's something up as we haven't really spoken since the 'ignorant' comment on Sunday but I just need to remain calm and be open and honest..

Dear OP, yes, it would be the best thing to sit down and speak honestly with him if you can. However, you need to be prepared for the possibility of him not wanting to talk and being dismissive and gaslighting you and such. From what you are saying he sounds very similar to my ex. It was impossible for me to talk to him. He was never shouting or calling me names or anything like that, but he simply would not listen, he would never admit any mistakes, he would twist my words, deflect, in the end I would not know what point I was trying to make, he was driving me crazy. In the end, I did not talk to him at all, did not have a "conversation", I just came and said, "I want to separate". That was it. Sure enough he was (and still is) acting like he was shocked, he had no idea why I was doing it, he had nothing to do with it etc. I just could not do it anymore.

Just like most of the posters, I will tell you to leave, the sooner the better, life is short and it is not worth living like that. Good luck.

Thank you for that iamenough, I'm sorry you went through that with your ex and I hope you're happy now. I know people will be shocked when we do split as everyone loves him and to the outside we seem a great couple, but he has worn me down since living together, we parent differently and I feel I am a shadow of my former self, he goes on about retiring abroad and travelling in the future, but I will not be joining him. Like your ex, he will not see what he has done wrong, and maybe there isn't much he has 'done wrong' but I've realised we're not compatible and I can't see a future with him, and that is enough.

I wouldn't talk to him just yet about leaving. You could just say low and slow "don't speak to me like that" when he is abusive and walk away ( only works if you are sure the man is not violent). Find out all you can about your financial situation first, speak to a solicitor. Work out what you want to do. Take your time. If you do decide to stay for at least 2 more years you don't want to have given him a head's up and suffer an even worse time from him. You say all your friends will be shocked - they may not. I bet your DS's will be relieved if they clash.

Create your own life and have as few dealings with him as possible. Take your laptop to watch Tv on up to bed in the evenings so you don't have to be in the same room. Make plans to do things without him at weekends etc. View him as a difficult house mate you want to interact with as little as possible. Detach. Work to get the house finished and saleable as soon as possible.

As others have said sometimes mortgage companies will waive or reduce the redemption fee if you speak to them and they want particular mortgages off their books. Don't feel guilty and capitulate and offer to pay the redemption and selling costs as the split is "your fault" - it isn't!! his behaviour has caused you to feel dimished and want to leave. You need that money for your next home and DC.

Thank you for all that advice sap it's really helpful and makes me doubt myself less

I'd get rid of him and sell in fact I was in the same position and sold... I didn't even care about the redemption fee I just wanted out. Best thing I did.

dj what was your situation? Was it similar? (If you don't mind saying)