How to help family scapegoat

[Sprinkl3]

We have lots of threads on here where everyone agrees the OP 'doesn't have a MiL problem, she has a DH problem'.
But what about when your DH stands up to his mother's bullying?
DH's family have disowned him thanks to her triangulating and it's making him so unhappy. But dealing with his mum was also making him unhappy and putting our kids at risk. He only has one family so it's impossible for me to solve and any peace offerings get thrown back in his face because at the same time he's trying to establish boundaries.
Has anyone been through this? What did you do?

If he stood up to his mother then it’s good. Many people don’t have strength to do it.
I’m afraid the family cutting him off for that reason is collateral damage.

Your DH might need therapy to unpick his feelings and lead a life free of their toxicity.
Where kids are concerned keep them away from toxic family members.

It hurts very much to start with, then lessen with time.
7 years down the road, we made peace with it, ignored angry letters and flying monkeys. We built our life without drama, emotional blackmail, guilt tripping and unreasonable demands. Smear campaign hurt a bit to start with but hey ho.
No more scapegoat for them.

What French Boule wrote here. Kudos to him indeed for standing up to his toxic mother.

Keep supporting your DH and with him present a united front. Live well, you do not need such people like his mother in your lives in any event. If they are too toxic/difficult/batshit etc for him to deal with its the same deal for you and your kids too. This was never your problem to solve and you would get nowhere in trying to do so with them. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, let alone his mother and family members.

With your DH now out of the picture in his family of origin hopefully the ones remaining will turn against each other. He will find that establishing any sort of boundary with them is impossible as people like his mother hate boundaries and will actively rail against them. Peace offerings will be roundly ignored, its their way or no way as far as they are concerned. These types also never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

I would suggest he read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward , you may also want to read "Toxic inlaws" by the same author.

Thanks for responding 😊
Is there a middle ground instead of no contact? I wish he had more options instead of either being a scapegoat or ostracised.

No. It’s either their way or the highway. No middle ground.

Unless he accepts his position as subordinate and takes everything coming his way there’s no way for any reconciliation.

Why would you even consider it? It's a miserable existence not life. Would you accept the same role for your children and literally offer them on the plate to get them mentally destroyed?

The people you were born to are your relations.Family is the people you chose to be around. Choose wisely.

Every relationship should be build on trust and respect, not inflicting misery on anybody.

Keep going.Wishing you strength 💐

I'm sorry. I think there's probably no middle ground to be had with his mum.

With nicer family members, it might be worth contacting them to say "I would like a relationship with you, separate from mum. I won't change my boundary with her, but if you can accept that I'd love to be in touch. If you want to talk, let me know."

They may start to see her for what she is, or build the courage to break free, over time.

Keep supporting him, build a life that is good without them.