Separation-amicable

Mariposa77 · 2023-03-30T20:30:30+00:00

Hi So in need of some wonderful and wise support, advise from you lovely ladies. My husband and I have separated just in last 3 weeks. (My decision) He is being very respectful and reasonable, we have had just one wobble argument but that was due to me not being clear. We are still in same house, same bed sadly, own duvets, no other room to be separate at this stage. Is it easy to divorce without it being a messy one, I really think we need our own space. We have two wonderful kids who our world and that's where we are attempting to keep thing's normal, whatever that means. What's your advise ?, what would you do? Has anyone used a good quickie divorce service that's good ? Thanks so much for reading this, also to add, we have not told anyone, and I'm feeling so lonely unable to tell anyone even family without the fear of horrendous judgement 😢 Xxx

SweetcornFritter · 30/03/2023 22:44

Hi Op. My divorce has been amicable. In fact we used the services of Amicable and while I wouldn’t describe it as quick (proceedings initiated 11 months ago and still waiting for Decree Absolute) it has at least been relatively smooth and stress free. I co-habited with STBXH after separating for far too long before we started proceedings. My advice would be to start living apart asap.

Humanswarm · 31/03/2023 09:05

Good Morning, sorry to hear that things are tough. Its lovely that you're amicable. I had the same however I feel it's important to remember that things can change and change quickly.
I know you say there is nowhere else to sleep, but, prior to my xdh moving out, we took it in turns to sleep on the sofa. Sharing a bed still implies a form of intimacy, regardless to what happens there. Think about your options. No divorce is a quickie sadly, it all takes time. If amicable it's entirely plausible to self mitigate, and resolve and financial issues. But, it's still months away. You can apply on the gov.uk website. It's around £500-600. And then begin your financial split and sort your consent order. This may be where things become trickier and sharing a bed may not be feasible then. One of you will require a solicitor at this point just to finish the draft of the consent order. But this is the cheapest way to do it.
Consider all your options now. Can you get a flat and split your time there? Can one of you take it in turns to stay with family so that the children get to stay at home? The sooner you make the move of living separately the better.

Newusername21 · 31/03/2023 09:14

I stayed in the same house when I went though our divorce. Personally I wouldn't recommend it. We also used the company "Amicable" and again I would not recommend - they ended up leaving a few "loose ends" around pensions that then took me years to resolve.
If you are already feeling like you both need your own space then I would recommend trying whatever you can to live separately. No matter how amicable you start - during the divorce process resentment can build up and I believe my Ex and I would get on better now - if we hadn't co-habited during divorce. (we now don't get on at all)
You could try a collaborative divorce service when you each have your own solicitor - but they work together to reach an amicable result (I think thats what it's called anyway)
No divorce is quick. If I had to go through it again (pray to God I hope not!!) I would definitely use a solicitor and separate finances and living arrangement as soon as I possibly could.

JJ8765 · 31/03/2023 09:51

I separated before no fault divorce came in so waited 2 years to divorce. This didn’t prevent us immediately moving on with our lives. However I was financially independent and could take on the mortgage so the house was transferred to my sole name freeing up ExH to buy again - although he didn’t he rented. He has lower income so rented 1 bed and dc stayed on sofabeds etc which has worked fine as dc have never stayed with him more than 1-2 nights a week and when they were teens they just visited and didn’t stay. DC preferred having one main base. If it really is amicable then you can sort a lot of stuff out without the divorce - the divorce and financial order is really to tidy stuff up and stop claims longer term. If you need to claim benefits as a single person you need to be sleeping in separate rooms. I also didn’t claim CM (which would have been low) so ExH had more money to get on his feet renting. It will rarely be entirely smooth sailing but getting the divorce done quickly is no magic bullet - for me knowing me and dc didn’t have to move for a few years while we all adjusted and they did their exams was more important than rushing into divorce. Some people wait several years before doing the divorce which is fine if don’t need to sell family home immediately. You definitely need your own space to move forward. It’s also clearer for dc. I’m very glad that dc were at age where they lived at home and we all adjusted to a new normal together. I don’t understand why people wait until their dc leave home as then dc have to go through a lot of complicated emotions alone. Being part of 2 families is very normal for my dc now. They carried on excelling at school and haven’t had any MH issues etc. It was a temporary shock and I think dc cope with it better than parents as they don’t lose their relationships if things are amicable.

Original poster

Mariposa77 · 31/03/2023 09:59

JJ8765 · 31/03/2023 09:51

I separated before no fault divorce came in so waited 2 years to divorce. This didn’t prevent us immediately moving on with our lives. However I was financially independent and could take on the mortgage so the house was transferred to my sole name freeing up ExH to buy again - although he didn’t he rented. He has lower income so rented 1 bed and dc stayed on sofabeds etc which has worked fine as dc have never stayed with him more than 1-2 nights a week and when they were teens they just visited and didn’t stay. DC preferred having one main base. If it really is amicable then you can sort a lot of stuff out without the divorce - the divorce and financial order is really to tidy stuff up and stop claims longer term. If you need to claim benefits as a single person you need to be sleeping in separate rooms. I also didn’t claim CM (which would have been low) so ExH had more money to get on his feet renting. It will rarely be entirely smooth sailing but getting the divorce done quickly is no magic bullet - for me knowing me and dc didn’t have to move for a few years while we all adjusted and they did their exams was more important than rushing into divorce. Some people wait several years before doing the divorce which is fine if don’t need to sell family home immediately. You definitely need your own space to move forward. It’s also clearer for dc. I’m very glad that dc were at age where they lived at home and we all adjusted to a new normal together. I don’t understand why people wait until their dc leave home as then dc have to go through a lot of complicated emotions alone. Being part of 2 families is very normal for my dc now. They carried on excelling at school and haven’t had any MH issues etc. It was a temporary shock and I think dc cope with it better than parents as they don’t lose their relationships if things are amicable.

Thank you so much, thank god I have two weeks off for half term now, my head is a explosive point!
I knew it wouldn't be easy or plain sailing but due to my horrendous mental I'm so embarrassed 😕 to talk about it with anyone.
Have a great day x

OP posts:

Original poster

Mariposa77 · 31/03/2023 10:00

Newusername21 · 31/03/2023 09:14

I stayed in the same house when I went though our divorce. Personally I wouldn't recommend it. We also used the company "Amicable" and again I would not recommend - they ended up leaving a few "loose ends" around pensions that then took me years to resolve.
If you are already feeling like you both need your own space then I would recommend trying whatever you can to live separately. No matter how amicable you start - during the divorce process resentment can build up and I believe my Ex and I would get on better now - if we hadn't co-habited during divorce. (we now don't get on at all)
You could try a collaborative divorce service when you each have your own solicitor - but they work together to reach an amicable result (I think thats what it's called anyway)
No divorce is quick. If I had to go through it again (pray to God I hope not!!) I would definitely use a solicitor and separate finances and living arrangement as soon as I possibly could.

Thank you so much for reply xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Mariposa77 · 31/03/2023 10:02

I'm new to this app, so unsure if I'm showing my thanks to you all in the correct way, but greatful to you all ♡

OP posts:

Livelifelaughter · 31/03/2023 10:37

No divorce is quick. The change in divorce procedure in April 2022 removed the requirement to find fault but has a time line built in so that it isn't a quick procedure.
For transfer of assets and tax you will need legal advice because of special tax provisions which apply.
I divorced under the old system with 2 years separation, it began very amicably but during those two years things changed and resentment grew. Divorce is painful, regardless of who brings proceedings, don't underestimate that.