Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I crushing on someone who is unavailable

37 replies

Memysel · 30/03/2023 21:23

There is one man at work that I have been friends with for 11 years. A few years back there were women in the office being bitchy and he stood up for me in front of the whole office. Everytime we saw each other around town (in pubs) we would always have a friendly hug/ dance and drink. He did try and kiss me once but I was happily married at that time so I didn't entertain him. Just before covid my marriage was seriously on the rocks and I saw this man at work in a completely different light and starting crushing on him, but as I was still married I didn't act upon it. But then covid and lockdowns hit us so we didn't see much of each other. In our Christmas do in 2021 we were both flirting with each other, however he announced to the group that he had just met someone (I was still married and living with my husband but the marriage had broken down). In June 2022 he announced that his new girlfriend had fallen pregnant unexpectedly. In August 2022 we went out as a work group and again the flirting started, he went in for a kiss and I'm not ashamed to admit that I kissed him back. As we were with work we didn't progress much further than kissing etc by the bar. The next few days were awkward between us, so I apologised and told him that I didn't want to jeopardise any future plans he may have with his girlfriend, at this point I was officially separated but I decided not to tell him this as again I didn't want to jeopardise his future as I knew that him and his girlfriend were looking to move in together ready for their arrival. Since then things have been ok between us, but I feel tension when we're talking. In our last Christmas do, he held my hand to offer me a drink and gave me a peck on the cheek, but that could have been passed off as friendly.
I'm still thinking about him, should I tell him how I feel or leave him to settle with his new life? in hindsight I should have been honest after our first kiss. I don't know if it's too late now.

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 31/03/2023 01:34

and he stood up for me in front of the whole office.

Aw, white knight to the rescue.

Im sure he finds that sort of behaviour helps his chances of getting into women's knickers.

PoppyCocky · 31/03/2023 04:09

He didn't apologise because he has no moral conscience. He doesn't think cheating on his pregnant wife is a big deal. He doesn't take commitment seriously. I think if you were to get together he will eventually cheat on you, too.
He stood up to you because he wants to have sex with you. If he were chivalrous and an honourable man by nature he wouldn't be seducing a taken woman and then cheating on his poor girlfriend. He was only this way towards you because he hadn't fucked you yet. I'm sure his girlfriend has tales of him being a white knight, too in the early days. Never underestimate the lengths men go to to bed someone. They really do pull out all the tricks.
You're hung up on him because he is a distraction from the chaos of real life. Sort your own life and meet new people. Get really busy.

mumofboys8787 · 31/03/2023 04:51

For fuck sake, the amount of women out there who don't give a shit whether someone already has a partner or not. It's women like you who make it so easy for men to cheat. He has a family, a child and a partner. You should be ashamed of yourself for even considering it.

Antiquiteas · 31/03/2023 07:31

He is no loss. It’s a fantasy.

The reality of life with men like this - insecure ones who are always using women to boost their inadequate little egos - is truly miserable.

letthatmango · 31/03/2023 08:41

‘In August 2022 we went out as a work group and again the flirting started, he went in for a kiss and I'm not ashamed to admit that I kissed him back.’

His girlfriend was at home and pregnant and you felt no shame for snogging him?

Thats awful.

Come on, raise your bar, honestly, this is grim.

Original poster
Memysel · 31/03/2023 08:56

letthatmango · 31/03/2023 08:41

‘In August 2022 we went out as a work group and again the flirting started, he went in for a kiss and I'm not ashamed to admit that I kissed him back.’

His girlfriend was at home and pregnant and you felt no shame for snogging him?

Thats awful.

Come on, raise your bar, honestly, this is grim.

Orry that should have said that ' I am ashamed ' hence why apologised to him.
The last time we went out and he held my hand to offer me the drink I declined and walked away, the peck onnthe cheek was later when I went in to my user and saying my goodbyes

OP posts:
letthatmango · 31/03/2023 09:09

That makes more sense. Thanks for the clarification.

He has clearly shown you who he is, a man who is prepared to betray his pregnant girlfriend. Don’t you deserve better than that?

RichardHeed · 31/03/2023 09:10

Should you tell him how you feel and look to peruse a relationship? No. I think you need to do some work on yourself, be on your own. It’s nothing more than a crush. You’ve likely transferred a lot of emotions from your failing / failed marriage onto this man. You didn’t have these feelings when your marriage was in a happy place, think about that. You need to take a step back from this, cut contact (hard when you work together but stick to work talk only and never outside of work etc). Get some counselling to help you unpick your feelings. I think in time and with help the scales will fall from your eyes.

It is interesting how all the blame for “breaking up the family” is being placed on you here though, not on the man with the baby and partner at home. OP isn’t a siren with a hypnotic fanny putting this poor innocent man into a trance here, luring him away from his partner and wife he is doing that of his own accord. And if it wasn’t OP it would likely be someone else. HE is the reason a “woman’s life would be ruined” ffs, or can his poor little man brain not be expected to say no?

Notanotherchange · 31/03/2023 09:43

After a marriage breakdown you really should try and be on your own for a bit ( been there, done that) or you might find yourself in a situation which is not good for your mental health ( I made this mistake).

This man anyway, he has a pregnant girlfriend at home, thought you were married and is upset about his car?! Yeesh he sounds gross, when you do date find someone better.

Original poster
Memysel · 31/03/2023 11:51

mumofboys8787 · 31/03/2023 04:51

For fuck sake, the amount of women out there who don't give a shit whether someone already has a partner or not. It's women like you who make it so easy for men to cheat. He has a family, a child and a partner. You should be ashamed of yourself for even considering it.

The amount of women! Makes ot easy for men to cheat! WTF
When he tried the first move I didn't entertain him as I was married at the time, and 2nd time around he thought I was still married but I dint correct him.
So how the fk have u come up with that conclusion?
I'm not looking for sympathy as I know I have done wrong. And for the record I don't intend on pursuing him. But to go the extreme of women blming is absurd.
If I wanted to make it easy, I would have have put a lot more effort into pursuing him, but apart form that one kiss, I have held back, and purposely hid the fact that I was single just to make it easier for him to stay with his gf and to stop pursuing me. But he's still there!
Is it men like him that make women cheat too?
Cos if it is, it didn't work on me when I was committed to someone else.
If someone wants to cheat they will cheat, regardless of the gender!
It's the person in the comitted relationship that determines how easy or difficult it is to cheat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Memysel · 31/03/2023 11:54

Notanotherchange · 31/03/2023 09:43

After a marriage breakdown you really should try and be on your own for a bit ( been there, done that) or you might find yourself in a situation which is not good for your mental health ( I made this mistake).

This man anyway, he has a pregnant girlfriend at home, thought you were married and is upset about his car?! Yeesh he sounds gross, when you do date find someone better.

Thank you. Hope you're in a better place now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Memysel · 31/03/2023 11:59

RichardHeed · 31/03/2023 09:10

Should you tell him how you feel and look to peruse a relationship? No. I think you need to do some work on yourself, be on your own. It’s nothing more than a crush. You’ve likely transferred a lot of emotions from your failing / failed marriage onto this man. You didn’t have these feelings when your marriage was in a happy place, think about that. You need to take a step back from this, cut contact (hard when you work together but stick to work talk only and never outside of work etc). Get some counselling to help you unpick your feelings. I think in time and with help the scales will fall from your eyes.

It is interesting how all the blame for “breaking up the family” is being placed on you here though, not on the man with the baby and partner at home. OP isn’t a siren with a hypnotic fanny putting this poor innocent man into a trance here, luring him away from his partner and wife he is doing that of his own accord. And if it wasn’t OP it would likely be someone else. HE is the reason a “woman’s life would be ruined” ffs, or can his poor little man brain not be expected to say no?

Thank you. I think it's true what you're saying, this is probably some sort of rebound and hopefully the crush will pass in time.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread