Just found out brother is in abusive relationship, about to marry the woman

[hippygirllucky]

My brother is on his stag do and DH is a groomsman and is there. Dh just messaged me to say that DB is very drunk and talking about how his soon to be wife shouts at him all the time, over everything and how she threatens to leave him all the time if he doesn't do what she wants. He's a very sweet and gentle man and it's broken my heart to hear this but totally lines up with what we already suspected about their relationship.

Don't really know why I'm posting. I guess to me it sounds borderline abusive. Has anyone had the same situation? If the person got married, did they end up staying together? I just want him to be happy, and find someone who treats him as an equal.

Would your husband sort of take control of the situation a bit.

as in would he say ‘Mate, we are going to make sure you get out of this situation. We can help you call off the wedding.’

I mean, he should say “you are my friend, and I don’t want my friend in an abusive relationship.”

@GuevarasBeret I have suggested it, but I know my brother never takes these things seriously. They've been together 15 years, I don't think he knows any different. It's so awful.

I think also that he doesn't think it's abuse! He seems to think this is just normal!

This is so sad 😞 bless him
Hopefully your husband can talk some sense into him

I wouldn't say anything now. I'd wait until he is sober.

Are they away on a trip? I'd ask your DH to take him out for a coffee/soft drink whatever - not alcohol. Make sure your DH doesn't overload him with questions. He just needs to gently explain his concerns on what he heard your brother say tonight. He mustn't go in all guns blazing.

I have a male friend who is in an abusive relationship with his partner. He's in my mind everyday. He hasn't left her but he knows I am aware of what goes on. Like you I had a gut feeling for a long time. I never wanted to her despite spending many nights and weekends with her. She's a hairdresser and I started to go to her salon and have her do my hair. She was even worse when she was away from my friend. I no longer speak to her unless I really have too and when I do, I'm as friendly and polite as I always was for the sake of my friend.

You cannot force your brother to leave her and it will be a scary and daunting prospect for him. You can both be there for him but ultimately the decision is up to him and he needs to leave when he's ready too. He may still marry her but sadly that's his decision.

Watch closely, be there but don't invade as hard as it is - unless you think he's in real danger that is.

Link him to some information and articles about what abuse is then.

There's plenty on how to spot abuse in relationships out there. Find some articles that talk about coersive control (eg: threatening to leave whenever they don't get their way).

There are also great YouTubers on the subject of narcissistic abuse. Maybe watch a few. Pick a guy perhaps, so he can relate better to them.

There is nothing you can do other than to accept and be there to pick up the pieces when it happens.

You can have a quiet word with your brother when he gets back and say your husband has told you what he said "in drink" whilst they were away.

Just tell him you won't tell him what to do. However, you will support him if he chooses to leave her before the wedding or anytime in the future.

There is a chance he will deny it and will say, "It was the drink talking, and it isn't like that." Try not to put his partner down when you talk with him about it as doing so can put him on the defensive.

Long-term, it doesn't bode well. I'm a survivor of domestic abuse. Even though I'm female, I acknowledge it happens to men, too.

I'm not sure where you are in the country. However, a section of Womens Aid charities in each area became IDAS (Independent Domestic Abuse Services). The areas that have these mean they also deal with men.

Even if there isn't an office in your area, ring the H.Q, and they can advise.

Let him know what's available and that you support him. Whatever you do, if he decides to stay, you will need to find a way to be civil to her for his sake.

It's a complex situation with abuse. I hope the little I have written has been of help.

I'd call him like 'pack an overnight bag, there's an emergency'

Show up tell him to get in the car, 'just get in, I'll explain on the way'. Once on the highway I'd throw his phone out the window and tell him we were going on a road trip.

I'd tell him to give me 3 days. And if after those 3 days he still wanted to go home and marry his gf then fine, I'd support him 100%. And if he didn't, I'd support him too.

Then head off on an adventure. Camping maybe. Or just 3 cities in 3 nights. Take him to sonething he's always wanted to see or experience perhaps. Tell him it's his stag do. 'What's a little sister for if you can't go on adventures together?'.

OK. I watch too many movies.
But I'd still fucking do this xD like he'll am I letting my brother marry a demon without fighting to save him.

I was in an abusive relationship. What helped me was having people I could trust to talk to. Seeing their shocked reactions when I spoke about my experiences made me realise how bad it was. I needed to hear from other people that it wasn't normal. I contacted local charities and was referred to a support group and was allocated a domestic abuse advisor. My wonderful friends and the support services helped me find the strength to get out.

This article has some good advice on how to approach it:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/nov/04/i-think-my-friends-husband-is-emotionally-abusing-her-should-i-talk-to-her-about-it

I really hope your brother will be able to escape. Living with an abuser is awful. Home should be a safe space.

I can’t see how to delete this, I’m sorry 😞

You need to deal with this gently. My cousin was abusive to her husband, it was hidden but we all suspected, he was a quiet man and was afraid to stand up to her. He had built a house on his families land before they married so his siblings were nearby and eventually he confided in his sister because he needed the wounds on his back dressed (she was physically abusive as well as verbal). The family let him know they were there for him, day or night and waited, he walked out when he realised their toddler was witnessing the abuse, his wife never harmed the child so he'd no fear of that happening, he left her everything, the house built on his family land, he paid plenty towards the child and within a year she had moved another man in. He was a shell when he did leave but he recovered, mostly thanks to the child (he had her a lot because the mother liked being out), he has spoken to me about it since and said that his families approach was right, he couldn't have handled anyone else telling him what to do, he felt powerless enough already so it had to be his choice and decision.

Click on the "Report" button on your post and ask MNHQ to delete it for you.
can't help with your problem though.

Ask MNHQ to move your post to the Health section @Littlesticklebrick

Report your own post and ask MNHQ to move it to the correct board.

My sister fell in love with a totally unsuitable man. I told her. She knew. But she loved him too much to leave. I just had to tell her that I loved her and whenever she was ready to leave, there was a bedroom at my house for her.
You can't make them leave, you can't go on about it and you don't want to drive them away from you. Keep them close and the door always open.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage (when I was MUCH younger) and I saw and ignored the red flags because I thought I could 'rescue' him. Little did I know how bad it would get. I think my friend's gf is emotionally controlling him too. I've tried to tell him that I think some of her behaviour is inappropriate but he's blinded by love so only wants to see the good in her.

This is when the saying "when the student is ready the teacher will appear" applies. Unfortunately there's not much you can do until he's ready to see it for himself, then you need to be there to pick up the pieces.

I tried to gently tell my brother he was marrying someone who was not a very nice person. I felt it was my duty to as red flags were jumping out everywhere.

And guess what? He is married to someone not very nice (down right horrible actually) and I have not spoken to them for 3 years.

She knew i didnt like her and she cut me out the first opportunity she had