Advice Needed Please!!!

[Amazonias]

Hello Everyone,

I am a regular reader but this the first time I have posted here and could do with some advice.

A couple of nights ago I had this funny feeling I needed to check my DH's facebook account, I don't know where it came from but I do often get intuition at times.

Anyway I managed to logged into it easily enough and noticed messages from another woman.
That didn't bother me too much - until I clicked on her and she is actually one of his exes.
Again, this wouldn't worry me but when I read the messages they were very flirtatious from both sides (more from her definitely!) At no point did her refer to me (the wife and I) or mention my name.

To say I am devastated is an understatement I am really gutted.
He had sent her an up to date picture of him in his uniform, and she replied "mm you still look good honey".
He did not discourage her flirting and flirted back.
I printed the messages off and went absoluately ballistic at him.
To begin with he was really cocky and said he didn't think it was that a big deal (although when I checked his email account I noticed he had deleted all the notifications from her....) it was 'harmless flirting'.

This woman is married too BTW.

I have since found out this woman is someone he had a fling with whilst she was married.
I feel like I do not know my own husband at this moment in time. What worries is me that he genuinely doesn't feel like he has done anything wrong??

Please ladies am I over-reacting???

How did you go absolutely balistic at him? Hard to say whether or not you are over-reacting without knowing how you've reacted.

It does just sound like harmless flirting though, and although it's not nice for you it was probably just a bit of an ego boost for your HD. Why did you snoop? Do you have issues with trusting him? Has he done other things in the past that made you suspicious?

Just phoned him up and gave him loads!!
(He is in the army so is based at the barracks)

I don't know what made me look I just know that I needed to check it. I do have issues with trust but have been working very hard to put that right. I hadn't checked his facebook before, didn't feel the need to.
(although we did have a similar scenario with myspace...you'd think I would have learned my lesson!)

im not sure about this one.

were the messages public or private?

also if you managed to log into his page then he must have told you his password, why would he do that if he had nothing to hide?

the problem with going 'balistic' is it is likely to put someone's back up and make them focus on your over'reaction rather than their behaviour that made you over-react iuswim.

Being Cool, calm and a bit indifferent is more likely to get you an honest response rather than a defensive one.

This could be totally harmless, but you need to talk to DH, without getting emotional, and come to some kind of agreement, such as him being more open with you about meeting with his exes, which, in itself, isn't a crime after all.