Estranged family and young children?

[Cinnabob]

I am currently NC with my abusive brother and need for it to remain that way after some of the hideous things he's said to me and about me. I think I am dealing with a narcissist. It is because I would not side with him and continued speaking to our sister after he fell out with her. I literally did nothing to him other than continue my relationship with her. He contacted me drunk and dredged up things from my past and called me a "slut" amongst other things. It was shocking.

He has twin boys who will both turn 3 next week. I have not seen them in 6 months and only saw them every few weeks prior to this, so I'm not sure they will even remember me or my children (their cousins). I bought them Christmas presents but my brother did not buy presents for my children who are older (7 and 5) and they both asked why they hadn't received a present from their uncle and cousins. I said that he had been working away.

I said that I would never treat my nephews the way he has my girls, but I'm now wondering whether to bother buying them birthday gifts at all? They won't know they haven't received anything from us, I'm a single mum with little disposable income and I'm also concerned that it could open the flood gates for my brother to start contacting me again. I want nothing to do with him.

Do I buy gifts for my nephews or not? I do miss them but I can not have any relationship with their father.

Probably not - they're too young to get much out of it - it'll just be lots of presents and no memory of who gave what. So it's opening yourself up to contact but no real connection with the children.

I think you probably have to accept that the estrangement means you lose your relationship with your nephews. 🙁

I am thinking along the same lines @category12. It feels very sad. But I don't think I'm able to have a relationship with them and not with my brother who clearly dislikes women. And when I have two girls myself, I just can't do it.

You don't owe your abusive brother or his children anything. I know you miss your nephews, but putting them before your well-being and safety is the responsible thing to do. If giving them gifts means your brother might try to get in touch with you again, it's probably not worth it. You can still send them a birthday card or message without putting yourself in danger. Never forget that you come first.

What about your nephews mother? Would it get her in trouble if she were to meet up with you without the brother?

No, I think you sensibly leave it. They won't know who they came from and if you don't plan to have a relationship with their parent(s), there will just be no way to have them in your life until they're 18 and could connect with you on their own.

I am NC with a family member and it made me really angry that they initially continued to try to have a relationship with my children. It only stopped when we moved house and never told them where we moved, so they no longer can find us.

Ultimately, you and your own children's wellbeing comes first.

Stop sending them. You can’t expect him to want you to have a relationship with his young children if he doesn’t have one with you. I don’t speak to my sister after she did something awful to me and for a while she sent gifts for my children in the post. I didn’t give them to them so you are wasting your time and I’m not sure why you expected gifts back.