Can’t fucking breathe

[IAmsuffocating]

Hi, am just wondering if anyone else has experienced this.

my husband and I separated a couple of weeks ago. It was my choice not his. I am in the family home with our kids anc he is at his brothers house 5 minutes away.

without going into the details of it all, there was blame on both sides but he did not want us to part.

The reason I’m the one in the house is that he has been emotionally abusive and it has escalated a couple of times and I needed to call the police. He hasn’t been violent, i was just scared he would be.

also he has relatives nearby and I don’t

he says he has accepted we’re no longer together but he is ALWAYS here - him
dropping the kids off after school yesterday led to him staying over 2 hours to help me although I didn’t want him to. When he left he was crying and he kept messaging me begging for another chance.

He also said he was going to sleep in his van outside as he didn’t want to stay at his bro’s, and he wanted to come in to get some bedding. I said no I’m not comfortable with that and he argued but he didn’t come over in the end.

today he has been here all day. This morning I was in a state about things. I was in despair about my finances as I own nothing and earn minimum wage and can’t afford to live here without him

i don’t want to get back with him. He swings from crying and begging and lovebombing me, to getting nasty and vindictive

so he was here this morning, I forget why. Probably to collect something he left here. Anyway he has stayed around the house all day. I wasn’t able to go into work as I’m in such a state and couldn’t sleep last night. He also said he couldn’t face work so he has been hanging around here all day. He says he’s the only person who understands me and has my back. My family have turned their backs on me and he said he wants to protect me because of this.

he means well but I feel like I can’t BREATHE with him here. I am so agitated and tense. He will not leave me alone. I have tried so many times since we split to say to him we would both benefit from time apart. But he disregards my boundaries constantly and I don’t want any more hostility. I cannot take anymore arguments

has anyone else had this? A partner who you’ve separated from who keeps invading your space and won’t let you breathe?

I feel like it’s making me ill

Although we split a few weeks ago he has still Monopolised all of my time through his constant messaging and phoning. He phone our kids or get one of his relatives or my mum to contact me if he can’t reach me

i haven’t been able to process all of this properly because he is always always messaging me. It never stops and it feels like I am suffocating

inhave blocked him overnight a few times and have muted him but can’t stop him being I. Contact in general because of the kids and also because I’m still financially dependent until things are settled

I feel like I’m on the edge. Really really can’t cope. Today is the worst so far

Why don't you sit down with him and have an open adult conversation?

Explain properly why you have asked for the split and make him understand that you do need time. Set a schedule of when he can come round to visit the children but also what your boundaries are. Explain that on the days he isn't coming round you are happy for him to have a phone conversation set up for him to speak to the children.

Having him round because you are depending on him financially can be a difficult and confusing part of the split. Maybe you need to discuss finances in your conversation with him and what you would expect for him to give you to support the children? Perhaps use guidance from child maintenance calculator and use the website "entitled to" to see what benefits you can claim to settle your mind with monetary worries.

I have been here and it does, eventually all fit into place.

Good luck OP

I can’t have an adult conversation with him he cries and gets angry

Well he will become emotional, but you will have to say I don't want this to turn into an argument, toxic or upset anyone, but I would just like you to sit down and listen.

Make a cup of tea for you both and just talk - it may still be a shock to him. Men can be quiet dense unless you spell out what the problem is

I think you should look to move put and find your own place where he has no access.

Is your house owned?

In the mean time - he doesn't come into your home. Pick ups and drop offs are done somewhere else, by family if possible.

You Need to start enforcing boundaries.

Of course he could just say 'it's my house too' and barge in. But that is why you need to move to your own place.

OP you say “he means well” but I’m sorry he doesn’t, it’s emotional manipulation (making out he’s the only person you can rely on) and it’s dangerous behaviour as it can and does escalate. Please be aware that leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. If he refuses to leave the property / he’s sleeping in a van and you’re not comfortable with that, please contact the police. You can also apply for a restraining order online, depending on where you are in the UK.

Then please contact Refuge on their 24 hour phone line or Womens Aid (they have a chat line if you can’t speak on phone). They will be able to give you better advice about how to proceed.

Good luck. You are not alone. Even with the financial situation there is support and housing available and you can get to a much better place without him. Stay strong and know that we’re all here for you!

If your sure this relationship is over then you need to take some practical steps to up your income and keep him away from you. He's trying to ignore the break up and wear you down so you'll take him back.Put in a claim for UC as a single parent to get extra money.
Is the house owned or rented? If rented contact your LL and ask for his name to be taken off the tenancy. If it's owned then you can't change the locks but you can keep a key in the lock, turn it slightly and he won't be able to open it.
You're going to have to be brave and tell him it's really over Op

I'd start using in a really bored 'wtf' tone. 'What do you want now?' 'Why are you hear this time?. And if need be 'Can you fuck off? We're over. Stop hanging about under my shoes'.

If he starts crying: 'oh ffs you're giving me arse a sore head. Go home'. Or just leave the room.

Change the locks. If he owns the house too then he can just change them back but hopefully he won't.

Seriously though, sell up fast and get out. Even if it means downsizing and sleeping in a living room when the kids are at yours.

You need to do whatever you can to minimise contact. A wound can't heal with the knife still in it.

This is a purposeful campaign designed to wear you down back into submission.

Don’t fall for it, he does not have the best intentions, this is just a continuation of emotional abuse and control 💐

As a PP says, he doesn't mean well at all. He is trying everything he can to convince you to take him back: frightening you into thinking you can't manage without him; emotional blackmail with the tears; and just constant bombardment of messages and visits so you can't take practical steps to get sepaate from him. He is not accepting you want to split and basically, is fighting with every inch of his strength to wear you down. It looks as though he does not accept you have a right to split from him, his behaviour stems from a kind of desperate outrage I think.

The worry is that if you are very clear and hold your line, he may become vary angry indeed. Perhaps you should contact the police again, if they were helpful before, but maybe best to take advice from women's aid or similar first.

Thank you all, I am glad someone understands

DON'T DO THIS. You can't have an 'open, adult conversation' with an abuser. Do not engage.

That’s exactly how it feels. He twists everything I say

Is his name on the deeds? If so he can just move back in even without your day so as he owns half the house.

Best thing to do is sell the family home if you can’t afford it and downsize to a place that’s just yours.

We rent

Change the locks and get a chain put on the front door.

When he knocks, don't let him in. I know that sounds trite, but it has to start from there. You can't allow him into your home because he is manipulating you, so you have to find a way to stop him coming in.

For calls and messages, get a cheap burner phone and swap your sims round. Don't give him your new number. Only switch the second phone on once a day, build up to once a week. He has no need to be messaging you, but again you certainly have no need to be listening and responding.

You need to take back control.

If his name is included on the rental you cannot legally do that. It is as much his home as the OP's. As mentioned above time for an adult chat. You have already said there was fault on both sides

My ex used to do this. It's awful and it's awful for the kids when they get dragged into it.

What's the score with the house?

Tell him since he is not letting you have space to process your relationship, you'll be looking into starting the divorce immediately as he's given you no choice.

This type of man is a pain to get rid of. But rid of you will.