How do you deal with leaving and starting afresh?

[Abergale]

I think my fifteen year relationship is coming to an end. It’s been hard because things aren’t terrible, we have just become more like housemates and I am unhappy with that and tired of feeling like I play the role of his mum sometimes (having to organise and take responsibility for anything like: booking holidays, sorting out house repairs, driving etc)

I am ok with splitting up and leaving him, but the thought of living alone fills me with dread. I have lived in the same city for fifteen years but I don’t have many friends. When I was early twenties I lived alone but I had a brimming social life. I’ve not maintained it and the two closest friends I had have moved very far away and a relative who lived near me has died. I’ve recently got in touch with an old friend so I’m not entirely without but they are someone who dips in and out as they get into and leave romantic relationships.

I could maybe move but I’m not sure where. I have a sister and a niece who I adore but they live in London and I just couldn’t afford to move there or even near it. I have an elderly parent about two hours away but I had a very difficult childhood and don’t think I could face living in that part of the country again. I don’t have a group of old friends living in a different city or anything like that.

I just don’t know how to get over this reluctance to set off on my own. I just keep thinking about how it would just be me and the gym desperately searching on Meetup for friends hoping things might pick up soon and how bloody lonely it would be. When I did live alone I had a couple of scary times when I was unwell and I just keep thinking how I will have that again plus things like plumbing disasters to navigate (and pay for!) alone. I had a lot of family support when I lived alone as well but they are dead now :(

if I could forward 5 years into future where I was happy alone or with someone else I would do. Because I know I could be happier. But it feels like a lot of pain to go through to get there when my situation is “ok” just not fantastic. If we were fighting or there was children to consider i could do it. But it’s just me and if I’m honest I’ve been in this “not great but not terrible” phase for years now hoping it might rebound.

Since you are being this sensible about it all - how about putting in some energy in building some social life first?
And/or seeing if the twofold you can possibly improve your relationship? Maybe counselling? Getting your resentments out in the one is first step.
Stopping doing things for him is the other, etc. It isn’t uncommon to be in a rut after 15 years. Relationships need work.

There isn’t guarantee that your next relationship won’t become boring after the initial excitement period, btw.

I would work out money and job logistics which influence where you can move to. If I have literally nothing holding me back I would go abroad, I think Canada and Australia have schemes for a working visa.

Regarding your comment about no guarantees - its not that I’m bored it’s that I want a partner that feels like an equal not a dependent. I pay for things because he can’t afford it (although he thinks he pays for half), I drive for things because he isn’t confident at driving so refuses to drive and I make decisions because he defers to me and I take responsibility for things like insurance or painting fence because he forgets or doesn’t see it.

counselling might be a good idea although it just feels like at that point we should just call it quits.

But that sounds normal that one person does some tasks and the other does other things. Does he do things you don’t ?

how is your sex life, that would be key for me. If good then out source the shit jobs and stay together.

Or as previous poster says - really start over in somewhere amazing. Expat communities are usually v welcoming.

With the elderly parent and niece I adore I wouldn’t want to move country. I’ve lived abroad before and it just felt so temporary (which it was) whereas I’m at a stage now where I want roots. I could move to 4/5 different cities though and take my job with me. I don’t know if a city where I knew absolutely no one and had similar demographics to my current place I’m living in would be a great new start or just even more lonely in return for a similar place of living.

Is it? If I downed tools tomorrow our house would be uninsured, we’d never see family or go on holiday because I drive to it, the guttering that breaks would remain broken, the shower that leaked would just continue to leak into the electrics until a disaster happened, the back door would probably be left unlocked and we’d be burgaled again. We would never do anything on weekends which maybe wouldn’t be an issue to him although he often says he enjoys whatever it is I found to do. As an example, he got a ring doorbell for Christmas once, something I was neutral about but he was excited for and requested it from his parents. It was one of the earlier ones that needs drilling into place and wiring up so would need him to call an electrician. It’s never been installed its been in the cupboard 2.5 years now.

this isn’t me like me claiming I do “life admin” like paying the bills and work part time when he doesn’t. This is both of us working full time and me having to initiate and research anything that isn’t a decision on what to watch on telly.

I have previously pushed him into organising things like asking him to sort out travel insurance for our holiday or asking him to change bedding on his day off but at that point I feel like his mum giving him a list of jobs.

It sounds like you're having to parent him op, which is deeply unsexy. I would absolutely leave.

Could you have a few weekends away checking out some cities you think you might want to live in? On your own...

sounds grim and annoying.

How about bolstering your social life whilst still together, giving him the chance to improve (which he won't take), start looking at your finances, make him pay more, read Marie Kondo, maybe have some counselling. Get yourself in tip top shape for your new life.