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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

100 messages

12 replies

supersweetscot · 29/03/2023 22:59

I've been married for 17 years and the OH has been very secretive over their phone for the last 4 weeks, having never ben in past, their password has changed and they will never leave me alone with it. Messages are pretty much constant from when they get up to 10pm as 'she's being respectful' with a new work colleague (new project on the go) and when I left for a week of work they went stay with this colleague at their house to 'get work done' and 'watch the night sky'. They lied they were there and only admitted it after I asked why the cat had been out all night and not fed. They are promising nothing happened and I do believe them, we have never lied to each other and they now lies are the worst of all sins to me. They said the friendship would slow down as it was hurting me so much but as soon as I leave the room they are back on their phone. Last night they stayed up till 2.45 working and the next morning (very wrongly I know) logged into their PC i checked whatsapp which I had looked at the day before. Before I looked at what they said there were 105 new messages (all read) from the the last PC log in the night before. I know I have misplaced trust by logging in and checking, it's very very wrong and I feel awful about it but my instincts are screaming that this is more than just work. Are over 100 messages too many for a very urgent and complex work thing? I feel like I am going round in circles and dont now what to believe.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 29/03/2023 23:06

They lied they were there and only admitted it after I asked why the cat had been out all night and not fed. They are promising nothing happened and I do believe them, we have never lied to each other and they now lies are the worst of all sins to me.

So you believe s/he lied about being at the colleague's house all night (because you had proof), but you don't think s/he lied about knocking boots with the colleague? Come on. You're being mugged off.

If you think lying is the worst sin, then surely the lie to which s/he already admitted is enough to end the relationship?

glasshole · 29/03/2023 23:10

Yeah they are having a raging affair. I've never ever EVER. watched the night sky with a work colleague.

Unless they are astronomers?

Original poster
supersweetscot · 29/03/2023 23:44

Yes i found them out while i was away and they said it was all work, and after a very long few days with tears on both sides i do believe nothing physical happened. I am worried there is a very real strong emotion connection which will grow to something more and I am not sure how to handle that before an actual affair happens.

OP posts:
Hawkins00 · 29/03/2023 23:48

supersweetscot · 29/03/2023 22:59

I've been married for 17 years and the OH has been very secretive over their phone for the last 4 weeks, having never ben in past, their password has changed and they will never leave me alone with it. Messages are pretty much constant from when they get up to 10pm as 'she's being respectful' with a new work colleague (new project on the go) and when I left for a week of work they went stay with this colleague at their house to 'get work done' and 'watch the night sky'. They lied they were there and only admitted it after I asked why the cat had been out all night and not fed. They are promising nothing happened and I do believe them, we have never lied to each other and they now lies are the worst of all sins to me. They said the friendship would slow down as it was hurting me so much but as soon as I leave the room they are back on their phone. Last night they stayed up till 2.45 working and the next morning (very wrongly I know) logged into their PC i checked whatsapp which I had looked at the day before. Before I looked at what they said there were 105 new messages (all read) from the the last PC log in the night before. I know I have misplaced trust by logging in and checking, it's very very wrong and I feel awful about it but my instincts are screaming that this is more than just work. Are over 100 messages too many for a very urgent and complex work thing? I feel like I am going round in circles and dont now what to believe.

They are running a complex surveillance operation with various updates ?

Hawkins00 · 29/03/2023 23:49

supersweetscot · 29/03/2023 23:44

Yes i found them out while i was away and they said it was all work, and after a very long few days with tears on both sides i do believe nothing physical happened. I am worried there is a very real strong emotion connection which will grow to something more and I am not sure how to handle that before an actual affair happens.

Basically the war is already lost, all the best op

Hawkins00 · 29/03/2023 23:51

glasshole · 29/03/2023 23:10

Yeah they are having a raging affair. I've never ever EVER. watched the night sky with a work colleague.

Unless they are astronomers?

DARPA, skunk works ecr employee's ect watching a secret launch or a classified one. Or it's a military / security services operation

TheShellBeach · 30/03/2023 00:26

Sorry OP.
They probably are sleeping together, despite denying it.

Seaoftroubles · 30/03/2023 07:30

You went away for work and she spent the week with a new colleague 'getting ' work done and watching the night sky??' Wake up O.P, seriously, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

iamcatz · 30/03/2023 08:09

It's not the texts, some people double text and it easily racks up 100 texts. It's the 'going to see the night sky' part and lying about being out. They are having an affair and you're being so incredibly gullible.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 08:32

They lied about staying over but you believe they aren't having a physical affair - yeah righto

Sorry op but they are having an affair right under your nose. Even without proof I'd kick them out. They are putting their own wants and feeling way WAY above yours and being selfish and deceitful

NemoandDoris · 30/03/2023 08:43

The more complex the explanation the more likely they are lying.

Agapornis · 30/03/2023 11:07

Poor cat. You might choose to believe them, but your cat doesn't have a choice. Why do you want to be with someone who neglects your cat?

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