I'm the poster with the moody DH who went off the rails after a bereavement last year and turned nasty on me when I was on my mat leave. I posted about him several times on this board and received some really insightful, supportive and thought provoking posts from all of you on here that made me realise that his behaviour was abusive and unacceptable. I am so grateful to you all.
Here is the backstory:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4679523-moody-husband-update?reply=121602234
I had actually been thinking very seriously about leaving, but his behaviour so far this year has dramatically improved. The moods have largely stabilized, he has massively stepped up at home and I've been able to make great strides in my career since returning from mat leave (helped by him doing his fair share of nursery picks ups and drop offs and house stuff). I get a lie-in on one weekend day and I have been able to resume a hobby that was a big part of my life pre-baby, and I have resumed a bit of a social life too (the odd night out with friends without my child). All of this would have been unthinkable last year when he frankly was doing the absolute bare minimum with our child. And we are now mostly able to have difficult or sensitive conversations without him blowing up (he was the wall-puncher...)
We are in agreement that his difficult mother absolutely cannot live with us. They have yet to figure out another long-term solution though 😬 but I guess that is not my problem right now.
He is genuinely sorry for and ashamed of his behaviour and says he is committed to changing.
It feels like things are looking up and we are enjoying parenting our child together.
But I'm still not 100% ok.
I often feel uneasy around him and sometimes I overreact if I see what I perceive to be the early signs of one of his sulks coming on (clenched jaw, monosyllabic answers, angry facial expressions). In these moments I start to feel agitated and panicky myself, and sometimes start pacing up and down or making repetitive movements that are almost out of my control, or I have to take a time-out and get some fresh air to calm down. These OTT reactions from my side in turn winds him up and he says I'm being manipulative and need to get a grip. This doesn't happen so often anymore, only once or twice a month.
He stopped drinking for a while and it was great, but now he has started again and even though it's not problem drinking it has put me on edge. I really liked sober DH and felt much better around him.
I don't really feel attracted to him in the same way as before and don't really want to be intimate if I'm honest.
There has been so much progress in the right direction this year, and some days it feels like there is so much to play for. He is really good with the kid, has massively helped my career this year, cooks lovely meals and holds down a good job with a good salary. Always tells me he loves me and that he is lucky to have me. I see flickers of the old DH coming back.
But I feel so wounded by the hell he unleashed on me last year.
I'm still in a weird headspace about it. I can technically afford to leave and being single doesn't actually scare me.
I guess I desperately want to do the right thing... And I don't even know what that is anymore. I don't want to throw the towel in if there is still a chance we can fix this. He used to be such a wonderful man.
I'm reading the end of that Lundy Bancroft book at the moment and have got to the bit at the end about whether emotional abusers can change, and what a genuine change would even look like. that's helping to inform my thought process.
Not sure what I really want to get out of posting this very long post here, I guess I just really need to talk and I can face going to counselling again after a terrible experience (solo) with Relate last year.
Any thoughts or just a hand hold are so welcome