Trying to co-parent with an abusive man

[TropicalH20]

I left when DS was 6 months old, went into a refuge. DS is now 7. Everything is such hard work with ex. Whenever I try to take about something to do with DS with his I get bombarded with abusive messages calling me every name under the sun. He projects onto me telling me i'm controlling, narcissistic etc when he is actually all these things. Its so frustrating because everything he says I am and do he is the one doing it.
I've been threatened with court and letters for the past two years because I dared to go to CMS as he lied about his earnings. He then wanted more days with our DS to lower the CMS payment. These threats have equated to nothing, no court action. I'm now at the point where I want him to take me to court to reduce days.
He's been found not to have given DS his medication thats prescribed. I spoke to numerous people about this and they have said its medical neglect. It's just my word against his though and because he is now saying he is giving the medication there is nothing I can do about it. I know I can't control how he parents but we are just worlds apart. I'm bisexual and he has said that I better not brainwash our DS with this stuff. I don't preach about my sexuality all my motto is in life is as long as DS is happy then I am.
I take DS to all clubs, organise everything whilst ex sits around and does nothing.
Stupidly I was being friendly and said ex could have DS on his birthday as it's not a usual night for him to have him. All I asked for in return was to have the sunday night that DS would usually be with him so I could wake up with DS on my birthday on the Monday. He won't have it though. He is having him Good friday and all that weekend including easter sunday. I just wanted in him the evening, I don't want to wake up alone and I'd like to celebrate with my DS.

AIBU to have asked for one sunday night to wake up with my DS for my birthday?
It is honestly like banging my head against the wall with this man. He is impossible. I cannot discuss anything with him with our abuse. It's so draining. Also I would like to take him to court but I don't think I qualify for legal aid yet I couldn't afford all the money needed for a solicitor. Of course he has actioned the best solicitor in our city and told me he would throw all the money he had in court.

bump

You can’t coparent with an abuser. No matter how small a request you have you’re in the wrong, however you must agree to everything they want. I was threatened with court for years before he finally did it. We are in that process now and honestly the process feels like an extension of the abuse.
Honestly don’t ask him for anything or show him kindness. Be polite etc for your child’s sake but that’s it.

I'd stop any contact with him. The kid gets dropped off on the arranged days at the arranged times. Unless there's a medical emergency there's nothing worth texting him about. Maybe even get a relative to do the drop offs and pick ups.

Solicitors letters mean fuck all.
If he actually does take you to court and reduce the days, so what? Brilliant, infact. Becayse the less time the kid spends with him the better.

Remember this, if he keens you really want something - he won't want you to have it.

So regarding that birthday...I have said 'yoi can take him Sunday right? I'm going out with friends for my birthday, its going to be so much fun!'.
Que him either telling you right there 'nope' or, dropping the kid round yours at the last minute on Sunday I'm order to ruin your plans.

Remember, they hate other people being happy.
Use it against them.
In small doses though, don't let him cotton on.

But basically, get out two habits: firstly, the habit of trying to appeal to his sense of decency. He has none. So, never make out it would make your life easier or better in some way if he were to do certain things. Becayse he doesn't want to make your life easier or better. All you are doing therefore, is showing him your weaknesses. And abusers attack weaknesses.

Secondly, beware of compromising. Every time you think to to be nice or be fair, even in a way that incontinences you, just in the hopes he might reciprocate some day you need him to do that for you...thats a big mistake. Normal people see kindness and compromise and wish to return it. Abusers see it as weakness. And again - abusers attack weakness.

Lmao *inconveniences
I changed it twice too and it kept reverting back.

You don't.

You parallel parent or you stop contact.

Court is only £250 but that's a lot for someone who doesn't give a crap.

I'd have SS involved. And why on earth, after 7 years of this shit, do you only 'think' youre not entitled to LA? Why have you not tried to find out for certain?
And you do have evidence of his behaviour because you say he's sent you loads of nasty messages. You've got evidence that he lied about income and CM payments etc.
If they aren't available anymore, you start gathering evidence and keeping a diary from now, including the very serious matter of medication. Then you do everything you can to stop your DC being brought up being taught that it's OK to treat mum (and people in general) like they're second rate citizens who he can manipulate, use and abuse

Go to instagram and type in paralelparenting or the likes and follow the hashtags and subjects.

I heard a great tip once where you only engage with the person about the kids.

Anything that isn't to do with the children you simply ignore. And respond to the bits about the kids. Example:

Hi, when are you having child this week?

I will have them on Friday you utter scoundrel, I hate you and everything you stand for. Bring his nappy bag you twat.

Response:

I will drop him off at 5 o'clock on Friday and bring his nappy bag as requested.

End of your engagement.

Another tip was you have a phone with a different sim only for use when the child is with the person and you only get it out when the child is with them for messages about the child.

If they ever message you about anything other than the child you ignore.

Screenshot any abuse and document any indiscretions by them for possible future court cases.

The behaviour you are describing is known as DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

So, as you describe, he projects all his bad behaviours onto you.

You cannot effectively co-parent with an abusive ex partner. You cannot negotiate with them, or enter mediation with them, as they will always lie and try to gain the upper hand.

Stop trying to reason with him.

Do not have any contact with him outside of the basic handover arrangements. Do not speak to him. Do not engage with anything he says. If he continues to be abusive, I would report his behaviour to the police and tell them you are afraid.

Stop trying.

Focus on giving your child the best upbringing you can by yourself. Your ex doesn't deserve any support, so just make child available to schedule, and then do your best to cancel out any negative impact your ex may have on your dc.

If he is abusive to dc, stop access, and suggest he take you to court. 99% won't bother.

Not quite sure how you can bring yourself to letting your DC have any time with him if he's that bad, let alone offering him an unnecessary extra night?
Just stick to the legal agreement you have and no more. If your DS remains well after 6.5 years of him seeing him since you split, he may well be giving him necessary meds, but saying otherwise to you just to mess with your head and taunt you.
Like others say, keep communication you have as evidence. Look into what you are entitled to and aim to legally reduce contact if you want to. Don't assume it's not doable.

You can’t just ‘stop access’.

Ok, he might be a shit to his ex but the OP doesn’t say he’s a shit dad while he’s got his son. And in any case, it’s really not up to one parent to unilaterally set contact arrangements.

You can just stop access if there is any kind of safeguarding concern, of which domestic abuse and emotional abuse is one.

Not saying you should, nor that it would not potentially garner a lot of trouble, but you can do it.

Been there doing that.

This is not good for your child.

Why are you letting him dictate contact? You should decide and if he is unhappy let him take you to court.

I have a non molestation order against my LOs dad, we only talk about pick up times by text and that is it. he isn't even allowed near my house.

he was unhappy I went to CMS, threatened court and all the threats have come to nothing.

Keep a diary and keep the evidence of his behavior.

Do not let this man continue to abuse you.