Was this abuse

[Figuringitout1]

I am in the process of separation from my H.
I am trying to get my head round things that happened over the course of our relationship (13years) and I'm starting to wonder if he was emotionally abusive. Basically I have a very low opinion of myself and I'm trying to fix that so I'm trying to work out if it was him or whether I need to do something about myself.
I've not been a Saint with my behaviour either and it definitely needs to come to an end which it's good it's now happening.

Examples of things that happened:
Telling me I should be grateful he looked twice at me as usually he dated supermodels
Saying his friends were surprised he picked someone like me
Telling me I was a horrible person when I cried finding out my friend was pregnant about 3 weeks after i had a late miscarriage that require hospitalisation
Not being interested in a physical relationship for years
Not listening to anything I say e.g. kids plans and then denying I ever told him or constantly asking the same questions over and over
Denying he drinks
Accusing me of cheating on him when I go out
Demanding I be contactable but it's fine for him to disappear all weekend
Refusing to acknowledge my feelings and Basically telling me my feelings are wrong
Verbally abusive when drunk
Making comments when I'm going out or to work about what I'm wearing (unasked for) like 'oh are you wearing that, I'm surprised' and when I challenge get told 'no reason' for the comment
Hitting walls/ throwing things when I annoyed him. He hit me once but I hit him back really hard and he's never done it again.

Reading that back, our relationship was awful and I question my sanity to why I stayed and had kids.
Any thoughts on how I can get over all this and feel better about myself gratefully received.

I am a great one for introspection but I finally realised, far too late, that it does no good- for me anyway. What's done is done, it's over, learn from it and draw a line and regroup and start again.

I'm trying to work out if it was him or whether I need to do something about myself

But even if he was being an angel, do you think you would then be obliged to like everything he did?

If you don't like eating broccoli, do you wonder if broccoli did something wrong, or whether you need to do something about yourself? Or do you just stay away from broccoli?

If you don't like motor racing, do you wonder if motor racing did something wrong, or whether you need to do something about yourself? Or do you just stay away from motor racing?

If you don't like the way someone behaves towards you, doesn't it make sense to just stay away from them?

It doesn't have to be about who did something wrong. Life isn't about getting it 'right'. You want to be happy. So be around people you feel happy with, and avoid people you don't feel happy with.

No self-questioning required.

Yes, it was abuse. It sounds like you reacted to his abuse at times, that is not unusual.

How is he behaving towards you now you are separating?

That's the thing, I don't know how to be happy and I'm trying to work out why I feel that way.
So I'm trying to understand what happened in our relationship so that I can find a way forward for myself.
I feel so awful about myself that I am avoiding people, friends, possible relationships etc. That's not how I want to be

@neilyoungismyhero how do you learn from things if you don't understand what happened? Genuine question - all I know is they made me feel bad but it took a long time to realise that and I don't want the same thing to happen again

@Dodecaheidyin he barely speaks to me which is fine. I have insisted that communication re the DC is written so that there's no issue re not telling him things.
He's playing the victim to everyone to be honest but I don't have enough energy to care about that

I don't know how to be happy and I'm trying to work out why I feel that way

What things make you happy in life? Even things you don't currently do? Running, eating chocolate, knitting, reading, spending time with (who?), learning, baking...?

Make a list. Tell us. 2 things. 10 things. 100 things. Whatever.

I think that by getting it all down on paper and 'off your chest' is a good start to admitting his behaviour is all wrong @Figuringitout1

Wise words as always from @Watchkeys You say it took you a long time to realise that your H’s nasty behaviour made you feel bad. From what you describe, I think most people would immediately have felt bad in response to what he was doing and saying.

So this suggests that, growing up, you learnt - or rather, were taught - to ignore your feelings. Perhaps this was a survival technique because things would have been dreadfully painful otherwise. Or perhaps the situation was a bit more neutral than that but you were brought up in a kind of “children should be seen but not heard” environment, where you learnt to go quietly and sublimate your needs and personality.

In any case, given the disconnect from your feelings, it sounds like therapy could be very helpful. Are you able to access it?

You learn to walk away from things that make you feel bad, as soon as they start to make you feel bad. You don't have to understand the things, or why they make you feel bad. They just do.

Respect your feelings. You feel bad, so you are walking away. That's the only thing you need to know. That's healthy boundaries. That's it.

I get where you are coming from. I have low self esteem, zero confidence and I have effectively self isolated myself for a number of years for complex reasons.

The very very best thing I ever did was seek private therapy. My therapist said my husband was an entitled bully.

That enabled me to push through with initiating a divorce without feeling I was to blame. However I also know my behaviour isn’t perfect.

Then I went through/still going through an analysis of all of my marriage to see that his dominating behaviour was there from the start. I’d never heard of red flags 30 years ago.

I have wallowed too long in this phase and can’t seem to stop my self having a pity party.

I feel I’m beginning to take control back and live my own life how I want it to be. I am reaching out to old friends, willing to drive further than I would have before, I’ve even had the confidence to invite a friend around to supper and she even accepted!

I am still in the separation phase, but have moved out. Just not having him in daily contact is helping me so much to see my way forward.

Yes it is abuse. Some sad people seem to need to make others feel bad so they can feel good about themselves.

A divorce can be like a bereavement sometimes. You just have to go through each phase and feeling in turn. Mine in order were resentment, guilt, depression, self pity, anger, and now I’m just at the procrastination and annoyance phase.

some people will say it’s in the past and don’t waste time looking back. But others as you say, need to learn from their feelings. We all do things in our own way, trust your feelings first, before others.

Although I still have a way to go, I have a picture in my minds eye of my future life. Perhaps that would help you too?

It's very difficult and we all recover differently. Some people like to go over and over it with whatifs. I feel that the past is behind us we can't change it so draw a line and move on. If you continue to dwell on something in my experience it does me no good.

I just got out of a controlling relationship.

In the end I was telling my friends I was the bad one because that's how he made me feel.

When he left it was as though a massive wave washed over me and washed all that away and I could see what he had been doing to me and how wrong it was.

Get away from him.
Process what happened, let yourself be upset, and the truth will reveal itself.

You say you were no saint but you didn't list anything you did. What exactly do you think you did?

is this abuse?

today i was laying on my boyfriends chest in bed and i playfully when to bite him i was going to do it hard, he pushed his fingers into my jaw which hurt so i said ow and slapped him on the chest(not hard). he squeezed and bent my wrist. because he was being mardy i turned his phone off playfully and poked him, he then got up and put my hands on the bed and knelt on my arm with his shin, then squeeze my other wrist, saying am i going to stop it? is that abusive or should i not have been biting/being annoying in the first place?

Yes definitely emotional abuse. Well done for leaving and don't beat yourself up for staying, be proud that you are making a fresh start. Xxx

Talking to a counsellor will definitely help x