Husbands family hate me - is there a future for us?

[strawberrycream1233]

I've been with my husband for about 13 years in total now. When we first got together, I couldn't believe me luck. He was so unbelievably out of my league; clever, funny, handsome. Truth be told he was rebounding out of a previous relationship, and that is probably the only reason he ever looked at me. But we have lasted and put the work in, through periods of long distance and difficulty, to where we are today.

I was so infatuated I made some mistakes in hindsight. I dropped my family and life at home to move across the country to be with him. I trained for a job I am poorly suited to, but gives me the ability to move locations easily, so we could make it work.

Fast forward to today. I am in a job I am poorly suited to and dislike, that leaves me emotionally drained. I am living away from my support network. I haven't developed a close network in this new location in nearly 10 years - I am introverted, and left so tired by work I struggle to make meaningful connections and use my spare time to rest. We live in this area because we are close to my husbands family - grandparents, aunties, mum and dad, sisters and brothers. He would never move from here.

It has been made apparent to me recently that these people do not like me. They have made excuses to not spend time with me on holiday and stay in close contact. After some digging, they wanted to meet. I texted to ask if there was an issue, and got a snappy reply that this was inappropriate to discuss over text, they wanted to meet face to face a week later. I met with my sister in laws alone, and they said that they find me rude, I make them feel uncomfortable, don't get involved with anything and that I have no relationship or connection with any of them, and make no meaningful effort to be a part of their life.

I am destroyed by this. I completely see where they are coming from. I am shy, socially awkward, and just drained by my job, so I do sit back and watch. I never realised we were on such poor terms though, embarrassing as that is. I am now in a position where I feel like my husband deserves better than me; someone who will fit into his life with his extroverted family and enhance it. I now am struggling to attend the (numerous) family events that crop up so often at the weekends. I'd rather not go now in all honesty; knowing everyone doesn't like me makes me feel so uncomfortable. However, they would consider this rude. If I go anyway, well; they already think me being my natural self is rude, so again a bit of a lose. If I go and put on a fake face, I would feel so false and unnatural, and already know I can't sustain this for too long.

They have been reluctant to tell me husband this, because they don't want to damage the relationship they have with him. He is now unwilling to register it as a problem and talk about it, because he finds it so uncomfortable. I'm struggling to get perspective on the a) severity of the issue b) the best course of action to proceed. This all feels so magnified because I feel very alone.

Any help would be so, so appreciated.

Cut your losses, and move out. Preferably close to your own friends and family, and where you can get a job you prefer. If he was supporting you I’d offer different advice , but he’s not and unlikely to change. Maybe you leaving might snap him into action?

Either way you are unhappy, isolated and in a job you hate where you are. Please get out.

There's introverted and there's rude. Sounds like your in laws think you're being the latter. Tbh, after 13 year of living in close proximity to these people I'm amazed that you/your husband haven't managed to make it clear that you're just shy rather than you can't be bothered with them. Do you talk to any of them/make any effort at all when you're with them?

Why have yo u stayed in a job you hate for 10 years? Honestly I think that is what you need to address. If you weren't expending so much emotional energy trying to cope with a job you hate everything will seem different.

Don't walk out of a marriage with someone you love that otherwise makes you happy because you've decided he deserves better. That's his choice.

Tbh it sounds like they've given you 13 YEARS of grace period and you are not making the effort to develop a relationship with them. Yes, you can be shy and introverted, but I would see it as rude too.

Did you tell them you feel shy and are not an extrovert and that your retiring demeanour is not personal to them?

Do you love your DH?

FWIW I am not sure they do ‘hate’ you. It sounds like a clumsy attempt to have an honest heart to heart about how they would like to be closer to you / involve you more, but don’t know how to get past your reserve / tiredness.

The bigger question is how your DH supports you in all this.

And the wider question of your life. Is looking for alternative employment a possibility? Would your DH support you through new training / a career change?

It’s tempting to look at the grass behind you but may not be so green all these years on.

But if you are not happy in your marriage, that needs addressing too.

What about talking things over with a counsellor? Not because there is anything wrong with you, but to give you a safe neutral space in which to explore your own thoughts and feelings?

You need to work on your self esteem. Why do you think your H is too good for you?
Does he love you and treat you well? If not he doesn’t deserve you.
Stop being grateful for crumbs from his overwhelmed and over enmeshed family and start making a life for yourself.
If you can’t do that whilst in your marriage then you need to do it on your own

More to the point is your husband loving and supportive? How does he feel about the way you and his wider family interact? Does he know that you don't like your job? Does he give you any support in respect of the stress that is causing you? Instead of trying to fit in with his family, ask if the whole thing, marriage etc is worth it, because if he isn't supporting you it's going no where.

@strawberrycream1233 this is heartbreaking. You clearly love your DH and have bent over backwards for him but at what cost?

You are a shell of your self. You're getting nothing but crumbs back.

What is the point of your living so close to his family when they cannot accept you as you are? When they make you feel like you are not good enough and they KNOW you are shy and quiet but deliberately twist that into other things?

You won't ever be enough for them.

You have to realise that we do not get second chances in life. There is no 'do-over'. You will never get these years back.

Start looking for a new job. You'd be surprised at how just a side move for less hours can affect you. I changed from a job working 8.30 to 5.30 with a 1.5-2hr commute to one working 8.45 to 4.45 with 10min commute time and it feels like a whole new ball game. It just feels so much better to get home while it is still daylight or BEFORE rush hour traffic. I get 2 extra hrs per day to just fanny around doing whatever I want before the house gets chaotic.

If you find that a new job isn't enough then you have a sit down with DH and explain that you've dulled your own light for 10 years so his can shine and now it is your turn. Find a compromise. Maybe just move halfway between where you are now and where your family is would be enough?

Remember, you were a whole and complete person before you met your DH and you can be again. Time to start being a bit more selfish and building back that self esteem that has crumbled over the last decade.

My husband is MUCH more reserved and less sociable than I am. My family are like me; outgoing and will talk to anyone.

In the early days they probably thought we were massively unsuited, however I made it clear to them that he is not rude, just quite shy and a bit awkward round people he doesn't know well. They have accepted him.

I think your husband needs to make it clear to them that it's not a personal slight towards them.

I also think that you should explain to them yourself about the job issue and that you don't appear to come across rudely, it's just that you are more reserved. I'd try to arrange a get together to get your side across personally.

I'm in a similar boat. Tbh they are his family so I see it as his job to make the effort. Too often it falls on women to send all the cards, make all the plans. Nah.

There is nothing wrong with being introverted, if the world was full of extroverts it would be a noisy chaotic place. If they were genuinely nice people they would have learned to engage one on one with you and not expect you to perform to a crowd with them. If your DH can’t support you or even acknowledge there is a problem then he is the one who is not good enough for you.

Are they all extroverts?

I’m feeling for you. Have they got reasons to think you are rude? You don’t sound unhappily married but maybe at crossroads. I would want my husband to stand up to his family and back me up in your situation. You don’t have to be what they want you to be. You just need to be yourself. I would start by considering looking at your job. Could you find a different role that you enjoy or retrain? Could you consider therapy to work on your understanding of yourself and your confidence?

My gut instinct is that this is the right call, but I know hindsight is a wonderful thing :(

This is fair. 13 years is maybe a bit of an over estimate. When we first got together he had a bit of a strained relationship with his siblings. We started seeing each other in about 2011, and by 2015 I still hadn't actually even met his sister. Things have improved exponentially between them over the last few years, but I haven't been part of that journey. I don't spend any one on one time with her really, but I did make her children bridesmaids in our wedding, and took them to a theme park for their birthdays. We make small talk but my answers are too short; I'm not a storyteller I guess and don't realise how unsatisfactory my conversation is. I have spent a lot of one on one time with his mum, and we do get on.... but she gets on with everyone she meets, she's amazing, so I'm not sure that's really a huge endorsement of me!

Have you considered you might be autistic? I was diagnosed with autism / aspergers a year ago now at age 35 and it hit me like a brick but makes so much sense.

Reading your post, it feels like this could be you too.

OP I really feel for you
Is there a different culture involved here perchance?

Husband's family hate me

But they don't - it's is his sisters that say they have an issue with you, and they've told you what it is. Take it or leave it. Your husband doesn't sound bothered - why should you be?

It has been made apparent to me recently that these people do not like me

Again, it's your husband's sisters who have a bit of a problem. You are unnecessarily catastrophising.

And please get yourself out of a job you dislike so much - it really isn't good for the soul.