Can feelings ever come back after emotional abuse?

[jojomoko]

Married for a long time, 2 preteen DCs. My husband treated me pretty badly for around the last 5 years. He used to use the silent treatment, pressure me for sex and to do sexual acts I didn't want to do, sulk if I didn't dress the way he wanted, etc. No violence or shouting ever but it was extremely stressful. I put up with it for far too long because he convinced me I was the problem.

A few months ago I eventually said enough was enough and I wanted to separate. He had a massive turnaround, started getting treatment for depression and has been a much better parent, and is trying hard to keep us together.

We have been in separate rooms since I said I wanted to split and there is no intimacy or date nights or anything like that but we are coparenting and getting along better than we have in years, spending family time together etc. He does seem like a completely different person.

It's very sad and confusing because I have seen how he could have been behaving all along and we wouldn't have ended up in this situation. Right now I just don't feel like I could ever want to sleep with him or be romantically involved because of everything that's happened. But could that change?

I wondered if anyone who's been through similar could share their experience. I don't want to be in a loveless marriage but also don't want to blow up my kids' lives if there's potential the love could come back.

I should add, he does now accept that he was emotionally abusive and has apologised a lot for this, but said it was his depression fuelling his behaviour.

Depression doesnt cause behaviour like this though …

To use one of my favourite MN phrases, you can be depressed and still be a cunt. He abused you because he’s an abuser. My DH had a period of prolonged depression. He never behaved the way you describe.

This man didn’t just emotionally abuse you. He sexually abused you. Sexual abuse is sexual violence, which is a form of physical violence. For 5 years. No wonder your love for him died. It’s a really good and healthy sign that your love for him died. Love between adults is meant to be conditional. If your partner persists in mistreating you, you take your love back. That’s healthy and that’s what happened here.

For 5 years, he didn’t give a fuck about you. In fact, he clearly didn’t regard you as a human being - he regarded you as his belonging whom he could treat as he wished. You will never feel safe with this man, so how can you love him and be intimate with him again?

A few months ago I eventually said enough was enough and I wanted to separate. He had a massive turnaround, started getting treatment for depression and has been a much better parent, and is trying hard to keep us together.

I bet you repeatedly asked him to do these things. And he’s only stopped now because there’s some negative consequences for him. He’s an opportunist abuser, as many men are. He did it because he thought he could get away with it, and now he knows he can’t he’s stopped. But it’s not really his fault, his depression made him sexually abuse you. And he hasn’t even realised how fucking ridiculous it sounds, because if he gets depressed again, what’s to stop him raping you again?

Look op, the fact is this rapist should be in prison. And when he comes out of prison he should be on the sex offenders register and have a probation officer like all the other perverts and creeps.

I can tell you from experience you will never ever feel the same about him. If you don’t already you will grow to hate him, and worse, yourself. Sexual abuse does something horrific to your soul. You will never recover living with your rapist. I’m really sorry this has happened to you. I would urge you to seek some support from women’s aid, this is utterly horrific.