Can’t stand my mil & sil

[Available24hrs]

It’s a long story so I’m sorry, just need some advice. I think i mostly just need to get all of this out of my head, as it’s making me so down.

I’ve been with my husband for 18 years married 9. Been together since I was 16 years old. We have 3 children together.

I don’t really have any family, or strong relationships with the family I do have.

always felt like I was close to his family, and would have said that his sister was one of my best friends. We would go on holiday together, days out with the children ect His mam was also great and we would often do things together.

before Covid his sister just went really funny with me, stopped coming round stopped wanting to spend time with us/me. Took days to message back if I’d messaged her (she still lived at home no children)

his mam would drive right past my house every day and never stop or call in. ( she doesn’t work) so has nothing else to do.

covid happened and it was like we never even existed I just felt so rejected. After years of being part of the family it was like we weren’t even part of their family.

I come from a really rubbish family full of abuse and neglect, so when I let people in it’s a huge thing for me.

so for them then to treat me like this has been a really hard and devastating time.

i don’t ask for help and would never expect it either.

his sister then went on to have a baby while still living at home. So had her mam full time to help and support. Moved out when he was one and got pregnant again (even tho she struggled to cope with just the one) it was twins. Had them and can’t look after them alone. She’s either at her mams with all 3 children her mam is there at her house or her mam has the oldest at her house. She also goes at night time to put him to bed. And in the morning to help get them all ready for the day.

she never comes anywhere near my house, never rings or messages. Doesn’t even message her own son.

his mam often gives little comments about how amazing people are and how well her daughter is doing, it just really pisses me off. And feel like the comments are aimed at me.

I had a miscarriage last year and refused to let my husband tell her. Didn’t need the awful way that she would make me feel.

if it was up to me I’d have nothing to do with them, I want them out of my families life. I hate seeing them or spending any time with them, I go away feeling really low and depressed. I’ve even considered divorcing my husband so I can get away from them.

but this would then give his mam the great opportunity to show people how amazing she is and come running to his side to support him.

we did have a little fall out last year when I’d messaged her a horrible comment, and I told her what I thought. And she said she was sorry that I felt that way and what could she do to make things better? Things have never changed.

and to be honest I’ve got my back up now and I won’t let my guard down. I’ve been hurt and I won’t allow them in again to hurt me again. She does ask sometimes if the children want to do something and now at this point I don’t even want her seeing them. Why should she have time with them when she couldn’t give a shit. It’s always on her terms. But then spends all day everyday with her daughter and her children.

maybe a little part of it is abit of jealousy because of the way that they are with each other, they know I don’t have anyone or any family that I can turn to. I just can’t ever imagine treating someone like they do.

do I ask them what the problem is? And see why they removed me from their lives? I can’t keep going on like this, they shouldn’t be allowed this power over my life.

i don’t even know what i expect from writing this hear, but it’s all just driving me insane, my head feels like it’s going to blow sometimes.

obviously the story is much bigger and been other things go on, but this is just a gist of the problem

OP you are clearly there problem here. Nothing they have done seems particularly bad, you're just fixating on the fact that MIL offers SIL a lot of support. You texted her a nasty comment and her response was to ask how she could support you better and you're still acting like she's the issue?

I think that your past history of neglect/abuse is causing issues here. By the sound of it, you have limited experience of watching healthy relationships in action. This is not your fault, but i do think it has made you overreact in this situation.

I would try to clear the air with them. Let them take the kids out if they offer. I wonder if they are trying to build bridges. Maybe meet them half way.

Even though you feel left out and aggrieved, invite them for a sunday dinner at yours and tell them that youve missed them since covid. Try to build bridges back.

I expect MIL and SIL are very busy with SIL children and change has nothing to do with you, SiL has 3 small children close in age and needs MiL too possibly more than mil wants to help.

When you sent a text mil wanted to improve things that is positive.

What does your H think of his mother and sister's behaviours towards you all?. He is key here.

I read this differently to pp that the ignoring texts and sniping had been going on since pre covid for no apparent reason and last year op snapped and texted what she thought.

has DH asked them what their issues are.

OP - best thing you can do for you and your family is to find ways of dealing with your past/your childhood issues/etc. The way you are over-fixating on your MIL and SIL is all so clearly rooted in your past hurts, but I don’t think you can see it yourself, or pull yourself out of it on your own.
If you can access the therapy - please try.

But on a day to day basis - try to focus on your own life and not making it about your H’s family.

It's clear your MIL gets on better with her daughter. Why are you taking this so personally? You sending nasty messages was probably the last straw for them.

I always think that a person who has issues with everyone is a bit of a red flag

Hi @Available24hrs

It reads as though you think your MIL and SIL had nothing else to do pre Covid other than visit you (you have snipes about MIL not working so doesn't have anything else to do, and SIL living at home and having no children). Just because they didn't have a job / have children, doesn't mean they didn't have things going on or busy lives, and it doesn't mean that your SIL should respond to a text from you within a set number of hours, as if you are somehow her priority.

You talk a lot about them not calling / not visiting you ... but how often did you call on them, or phone them, or ask how they were? From your post it reads as though you expected them to make all the effort.

I wonder if they sensed this judgement from you, and the fact you expected them to do all the running, and cooled off a little. Then Covid hit, and that affected everyone's interactions.

Then you talk quite disparigingly about your SIL having children and not being able to cope. It's normal that her mum is helping. I wonder if again they both sense your disapproval at her having children and her mum helping...that will create distance between you.

In short, how you've written it, it reads as though you think they should make all the effort, you don't approve of SIL having children, you don't approve of MIL helping her so much..... and now you're offended they have cooled off. When you were rude to MIL she wasn't rude back, she didn't ignore you, she asked how she could make things better. Did you respond politely and suggest reasonable ways you could both rebuild your relationship?

@Octonaut4Life yeah I am part of the problem, I’ve been hurt and now I won’t let my guard down again and let them back in.

@AttilaTheMeerkat my husband agrees, she often used to say how she never gets to see the children, but as my husband says she drives right past our house in a regular basis and never calls in. He says she knows where we live.

@Ellie1015 yes I agree I’m sure they are both really busy, but this was happening before the children arrived. I’m happy that my sister in law has support.

@Dacadactyl i was lucky enough to have the most amazing grandparents, they were the most amazing humans ever be ever known. So I know what a healthy loving relationship looks like.

@MMmomDD thank you for your response, I’ll look into it and see if it can help

@Billybagpuss thank you for your message too, it has been going on now for nearly 5 years. I had my youngest that year and that’s when my sil started going funny with me, someone said that she might have distanced herself from me because she was jealous that I’d had my youngest. But not sure if this was true. Why would it be nothing was stopping her from having a baby?

Well it sounds as though your MIL daughter really needs help, and your MIL is spending a lot of time supporting her DD. 3 DCs, including twins, can't be easy on your own!
You seem to be getting along OK with your DH and family and she feels she is needed more elsewhere. You didn't even tell her you had a miscarriage so how was she to know that you might have needed support at that stage?

You obviously do have contact with them, just not on your terms.
Do not deprive your DCs of a relationship with their grandmother because of your skewed view of family life.

Something either must have happened/they think something happened just before lockdown for them to switch between being super friendly and then not.
Do you know what? Have you ever nicely asked them what?

Is there any actual examples of nastiness? The only actual example you've detailed in your post is that you wrote her a nasty message and she responded nicely.

but as my husband says she drives right past our house in a regular basis and never calls in. He says she knows where we live.

Do oyu ever invite her over. Just to visit rather than babysit or something?
Many MILs are conscious of not overstepping and would not just keep calling uninvited.

If you can't stand them, then just leave them to it. Be polite when you need to see them, for your husband's and children's sake, but don't let it bother you. There's no rule to say in-laws should live in each other's pockets.

I think this sounds like a you problem. Counselling to help you process your childhood trauma might help you feel more secure in your adult relationships.

You've said you sent your MIL a nasty text and your OP is full of resentment that your single SIL is getting a lot of support from her mum. If that's how they are experiencing interactions with you I am not surprised they have pulled back.

SIL has a toddler and twin babies - I'm not surprised she appreciates help from her mum. Wouldn't everyone?

@perfectcolourfound thats not the way that it is at all, I was always the one to message and ring, I’d call round after school runs or at the weekends for a coffee. Invite them for tea ect. I just said to her that I understood that she was busy and have things to do, but said that my children were important too.

@Seeline not necessary deprive the contact, but I no longer make the effort or take them round like I used to before things changed.

@caffelattetogo im happy that they have the relationship they do. My sil obviously needs her mum, and I’d do the same for my children. That’s not the problem, the problem is we used to have a relationship like that before it changed.

@arethereanyleftatall my sil started a new relationship and I don’t think he really liked us that much. He worked loads so she was at home alone anyway so was no reason for it, it wasn’t as if she was out with him all the time or anything. She also pushed one of her best friends away as well (because I think her boyfriend didn’t like her too)

@JulieHoney yes I agree and I’d do the same for my own children, the support that she gives my sil isn’t the problem here. It’s how we all used to be close and for no reason they act like we don’t exist.

@Seeline i don’t ask for her help or anyone’s for that matter. I don’t ask her to help with the children or would expect her help. So there is no reason for her to come. It was me that went to her house

What do you think changes it, Op?

You've said you were always the one who called in / made the first call (sorry I hadn't realised that with my previous post), so what stopped you doing that? Did they cool towards you or ask you to stop coming so often? Or just not make you welcome?

I'm sorry but I also wonder if the issue here is you. I can see that your past may make you vulnerable to trusting others, but I suspect that the truth may be that the incident you mentioned of sending her a nasty message may not have been the first one - just the first one that you realised. You come across here as quite judgemental, even though you obviously don't want to be, and I wouldn't be surprised if that is how they have felt too. They haven't actually done anything except "cooled off", but your reaction seems somewhat extreme. If you don't want to make the effort, then don't. But don't then complain because you aren't the centre of their lives. I also don't respond to texts immediately. I drive past people's houses. That doesn't mean I don't care about them - it means that I have other things going on in my life. It sounds like your SIL needs support and her mum is there for her - so the focus is no longer you and yours, and you don't like that.

Your title says you can't stand them. They obviously aren't interested in your company either. Job done, keep out of each others way and ur all happy

I think your past and relationship with your own family is clouding your judgement here a little bit (unless there is a massive drip feed).

It sounds like you are jealous of the relationship between your MIL & SIL. You have a good support at home (your DH), while your SIL is struggling with 3 kids. I think it's natural that her mum wants to support and help her.

When you sent her that mean text, she apologized and asked how she could fix this. Did you take her up on that and try to improve your relationship? If you didn't, they might think you are not interested in having a close relationship with them anymore and that's why they stay away.

I might be completely wrong but to me it sounds like you are switching between two opposite emotions - on one hand it sounds like you want nothing to do with them and want to avoid them at all costs now that you feel hurt by them. On the other hand it also sounds like you are jealous of their closeness and want them to make an effort and have a relationship they have. I think counseling addressing your abandonment issues could be really helpful.

Well that's helpful.

🙄

I don’t ask her to help with the children or would expect her help. So there is no reason for her to come. It was me that went to her house

There's no reason for her to visit.
You always went to hers.
You don't invite her....

I'm not sure how the poor woman is supposed to know that she is expected to visit you?

I think you are still grieving for what you thought was a great relationship with your MIL and SIL.

Im not sure now knowing what was the reason with the ‘falling out’, whatever the reason why your SIL didn’t want to contact you back then…, will change things tbh. As you said you’ve now put your guard up, the time when having a heart to heart talk and repair bridges has passed.

Im also not sure your relationship was as great as you said if you were the one to always extend invitations/contacting them etc….

@Available24hrs , I think you need to draw a line. You thought you had something with them that isn’t there anymore.
Your dh seems to think his own mum isn’t that bothered either.
Leave him to do the contact. Distance yourself and concentrate on your family. Unfortunately, you cant force people to be kind/caring, even with their own grand children.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so hurt, OP. 💐 We can’t control how other people behave though, so I think you’re going to have to accept that they’re not including you as much as you’d like and focus on your own nuclear family.

My in-laws have paid my family very little attention over the years and they have no other grandchildren. I don’t understand their behavior, but it’s their choice and I’ve accepted it. All you can do is learn from it and know that you’ll behave differently if you’re ever in the same situation.