Am I in the wrong?

[Cassie895]

So I need some advice please on whether my feelings are fair or if I'm in the wrong.

Me and my ex broke up for a year after being together 9 years. We broke up because he always changed his mind about me and was always seeking validation from the opposite sex. He broke up with me after saying he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore and various other things throughout the relationship that broke me down. In the year while I was single I saw someone for a few months and he slept with a couple of people.

We've lived together the whole time as the house is on the market and we've now decided to try again and take things slow. I'm trying my best to make as much effort as I can but I'm guarded and scared of putting myself in a vulnerable position again. There's trust that needs to be built and we both agreed to not throw the past back in each others faces.

The situation I'm faced with at the moment is that he feels like I'm not sexually attracted to him and I'm not sleeping with him enough - this in turn makes him feel unattractive. I've tried to explain that I do find him attractive but I want to work on getting our spark and trust back before anything else as things don't feel the same straight away and it needs work. We only agreed a week ago to try again so I don't feel like I'm asking to much.

He in reply brings up the past by saying it sickens him that I could sleep with someone else but I'm going slow with us. I have slept with him but It's not my full focus at the moment - plus he slept with other people so I'm not sure how he can throw that in my face.

I've said to him that if he can't let go of the past then I'm not putting myself through stress and arguments again. It's taken me a long time to get my mental health to a point where I'm not crying everyday and if we can't move forward there's no point.

Am I being unfair in what I'm saying or does he have a point?
I'm so scared of him changing his mind again I want to be 100% sure he's in this for keeps and the right reasons.

This is a disaster. It was probably that dating wasn't the success he hoped for himself, found it brutal and the financial ramifications of splitting up and trying to find a home within his budget made him rethink your relation from a convenience point of view. I think you would be mad and frankly a doormat if you got back together. Sell the house and separate finally and properly.

It sounds like this relationship has run its course and time to stop beating the dead horse. He's never been all in and he just drags you down.

How is the house sale going?

You can't work on a spark OP. I think this relationship is dead in the water.

So .. he's kept you around on the back burner so he can pick up where he left off with you when dating around doesn't work out as well as he'd have liked?

I think it's time to get rid of this one for good to be honest.

Cut that waste off space loose. So you were supposed to be a nun when he was off sleeping with other people?

If he’s been on and off with being attracted to you, do him a favour and cut him loose for good!

Agree with this.

He had an overinflated view of his worth on th dating market and discovered there were no line of women waiting to shag him like he imagined.

The idea of paying his own way and doing his own chores is a negative to him so he'll stick around for convenience.

Yes, sell the house and split properly for good. It may not seem like it now but it'll be a breath of fresh air once his belittling arse is gone.

He is coercing you for sex with a good old fashioned guilt trip. This would be the end for me!!

I have to agree with the other posters OP. It all sounds too hard. It's only been a week and he is complaining he isn't getting enough sex.

Just get rid of him. Life is too short to waste time on someone that has never been sure about you, never been satisfied by what you have to give and is (now) being a hypocritical misogynist.

It sounds to me like he is using you and guilt tripping you. Is that the relationship you want?

Every single PP is right. You need to stop living in the same house as quickly as possible and move on properly. You deserve so much more than this.

@Cassie895 we often accept the love that we think we deserve.

You need to be looking at yourself first and trying to figure out why you deserve to be treated like this. You have given time, love and energy to this person and you get nothing back.

You are the safe, easy option and he doesn't even respect you!

Try to see that you have worth and you deserve more than this. You should be with someone who adores you and makes you feel giddy. The drama and angst of this relationship is not good for you and we can all see there is no future - your relationship is dead in the water and he is being selfish and cruel.

Push forward on the sale of the house and move on with your life before you invest any more time into him and end up hurt and full of regret.