6 months out of abusive relationship but broken

[killwithkindness123]

I'm really needing a hand hold and some advice on my situation as I'm just all over the place.

I've posted on here many times on mumsnet, but recently done a name change. Was with my partner from 17 (childhood sweetheart) I'm now 37. We have small kids together.
This relationship is basically all I've known. I didnt notice the red flags throughout our time together until much later into the relationship. Very jealous, wanted all my time to be spent with him that eventually I lost any connection or friends I had. But spending my time with him became so normal and I was used to it being just me and him. He went through some dark times where I learned to walk on eggshells, learned when to bring up certain topics of conversation or say nothing at all but even then it hadn't hit me this was abusive but I knew something wasn't right.
We ended up having children together and I had them quite quickly a yr apart. I struggled after the birth of my second child and had PND which caused me to lose myself completely. My mum was very unwell after taking a breakdown and I struggled with 2 babies under 2. This then took a toll even more on the relationship. My kids are now 4 & 5... But my partner walked out 6 months ago after telling me he didn't feel loved by me anymore. Says I didnt put enough time into him, us.. Wasn't enough sex, says I used sex as a weapon against him to control him. I admit I pulled away a bit because his jealously got worse, I dealt with constant accusations if I acknowledged another male with a friendly hello. If I was away too long at the grocery shop it would be 100 questions and then have him ignore me because he was angry at me or didn't believe me. I refused sex because it looked for it at stupid o'clock late at night when I was shattered or when we did get intimate he wanted anal. It's not my thing, I tried it to please him and it was excruciating. so everytime we tried to get intimate he expected the same thing and if I said no I was berated, shouted at and told I ruined the moment. So I began to not want to be intimate for that reason.

I did try to explain this on a few occasions but it fell on deaf ears, I was just told I was using sex against him. I wasn't I just wanted normal love making when I felt up for it. He ended up sleeping most nights on the sofa of his own choice, although I'd plead with him to come to bed. Things just got worse after I had the kids I suppose. He also wanted me to have another baby, which I wasn't ready for. I wanted to wait until now when both kids were at school and also because I was scared of facing pnd again. This went on for maybe 2 yrs eventually in August he told me if I wasn't going to give him another, he had a decision to make. Said i was making a mug out him by telling him I needed more time and was fed up hearing it cause we weren't getting any younger and because it took me 8 yrs to conceive the kids so it might not happen again or could take time.

So, yes he decided enough was enough he left me at the end of August. I wasn't loving enough to him anymore he had enough and put the blame on me. And that has stuck. I blame myself alot. I blame myself that I no longer have my partner and the kids no longer have their dad living with us. I feel like a failure. To make matters worse he began sleeping with a 24 yr old and seeing her while i thought he was looking to fix things with me and move back home. She fell pregnant about 3-4 weeks from him leaving me and honestly it ripped my world apart.

I understand people will say I'm well rid and the rubbish took itself out etc I understand people won't understand that I'm broken by all of this.
I truly loved this man. He was my entire life. Whilst I may have lost myself through pnd and being a mum to 2 babies so quickly I didn't mean to pull away from him. I just couldn't cope with his insecurities. I just wanted to be trusted as I honestly would never have wandered from him. I didnt want another man, never even thought of it. I never wanted my family to break up. I would've tried my best to fix things.

He kept coming back now and then from Sept until Feb telling me he regretted walking out, wishing things weren't the way were, that we don't know what the future holds, missing me, wanting me and the kids, missing his life here etc I realise now it was all bullshit. I realise he was just getting the fix he needed he until he chose where he should be at & stay and he chose to stay with the new younger woman of course. But this man was my life, I was dedicated to him and my family. I suppose I've also become so co dependant on him throughout the yrs and having no one else around me that this whole new found freedom frightens the life out of me. I'm so scared. I've since got a few friends back and I've socialised a few times but my anxiety is through the roof. I'm 37 and having to find myself all over again. I no longer recognise myself, I don't know what to do with myself. I've completely lost my identity. Even though the relationship was rocky, it was mine. I was used to it. I was used to my routine with the kids and him. It wasn't all bad obviously, we have had lots of fantastic times together and obviously there's 20 yrs worth of memories there that I'm unable to forget about. I'm broken.

And when he has the kids every other weekend it breaks me even more, I'm lost and so lonely. I really feel like he's ripped the entire world from beneath me. I'm not coping at all and depression has hit me massively. Even tonight sitting in the house while the kids are asleep my home is empty and it's quiet and it's really lonely. I'm haunted by everything to do with him as we were together so long & he's all I've known. I'm angry that while I have to try and rebuild a life, my self worth, self esteem, my identity he's immediately moved on straight into another relationship with another baby like I meant absolutely nothing and that has utterly ruined me. What I put up with in this relationship yes was hard and tough but the aftermath of this, the breakup, him moving on so soon has really made me question everything about myself as a woman, a person, a partner, a mother... How on earth am I sitting here in the hardest pain I've ever had to deal with crying my soul out and he's sitting pretty and happy with a younger woman and a new baby. I'm also finding it hard that he is playing happy families with the kids as well with her. So on his weekends while I'm struggling to get myself together he's off being disney dad with her and our kids that I fought so hard to give him. We didn't even get the chance to do the things we planned with out children because he called it quits and found someone so soon. And it hurts that whilst I spent 8 yrs trying to give him children he gets her pregnant within weeks! Such a smack in the face!

Please someone tell me what's wrong with me. And it seems like he's the very man I hoped he would be with me to her. Very very happy they both are. Doesn't seem to be any sense of control going on with her. Even down to something so simple like when i was pregnant we found out the gender, I was conditioned that much that I wasn't able to share the happy news with my family about what we were having and I was gutted. The new gf however is free to tell who ever she likes and as silly as it sounds even the baby's name. It was one I chose for one of the kids, he hated it yet this is what their baby is going to be called. I'm questioning so much like was he abusive at all, maybe I was just to easy to walk over and give in too much seeing as the new gf is doing things I most definitely wasn't able to do. She seems so happy so does he. Was it me, was I problem?? Was I too sensitive or maybe looked into things too much...

any thread I've read on here when women get out of an abusive relationship are relived, happy, finding their freedom and themselves again. I'm not I'm stuck in a rut, broken, ashamed, terrified. He has completely destroyed me. I'm not even looking for a new person but the thoughts of letting anyone into me now scares the life out of me. Look how much I put into this man and he discarded me like I was nothing. 20 yrs of my life gone like it never existed. I'm just left to quietly deal with all this pain and emotion. He's quite happy with his new life and the new gf thinks she's hit the jackpot. Why wasn't he like this for me, why was I so conditioned even down to my kids gender why can she tell everyone what she's having but with me I couldn't. It makes no sense. I feel so used and broken. What is wrong with me. Is this even normal after getting out of a relationship like this. Please give me some kind advice as I'm so close to the edge I can't take any negativity please.

Give yourself more time - you spent 20 years in an abusive relationship, it's going to take a good while to recover. Plus, with his toing and froing and messing you about, it's not really like six months - you haven't had hardly any time to come to terms with any of it.

One day at a time. 💐

Have you had any support from domestic abuse services? It might be a good idea to talk to them, and maybe give the Freedom Programme a go.

Also, try to create distance from him, his new relationship and all of that - I think he's taking pleasure in rubbing your nose in it, but you don't need to know that stuff, and it's best not to torture yourself with it. Reduce contact with him and if friends/family are passing on information about what he's doing, ask them to stop. Just have very basic communication with him - only about practical things for the children/sorting out finances etc, don't engage with anything else.

Things will get better, you just have to keep getting through each day until it does.

You'd certainly feel better talking to a counsellor about this.
You are so eloquent when you describe your feelings, and honest.
You are NORMAL!
Try your GP.

It takes a long time to get over that amount of control, even after leaving the same kind of man back in 2005 I still get fleeting moments of maybe it was my fault I was controlled, maybe I asked for it/deserved it.

It's all nonsense, no one deserves to be treated this way. It's the way you have been conditioned to think though, and it is a hard habit to break, but you can break it, I promise.
Distance yourself from him and the other woman, and think back, whilst he's always been controlling, I'm guessing it got worse once you were pregnant with the first or once the child was born? He's going to follow the same route with his new woman too, but right now he's going through the process of making sure he has her caught in his grip and that's why you think he's treating her differently. He's not, he's just carrying out his preparation process.

Can you get some counselling ?

It is still very early days, and it is ok to fall apart and as you have done here, writing things down can help, and I'm sure there are women here who can support you, so lean on us. Hugs, you will get through this.

I didnt read all op sorry but just a heads up- There is usually a gap between getting out and 'relief'.

Read up on trauma bonds.
Also, the grey rock technique might help.

Be aware that having kids with the person meaning thry remain somewhat in your life, makes it harder to heal. Because how can you heal when the knife is still in the wound?

Ultimately it will be a relief. But how soon and to what extent will depend on the boundaries you enforce.

Limiting contact to bare minimum is key. Never let him into your home, only reply to important messages regarding the kids, have family do pick ups and drop offs of kids if applicable. Block him on everything but a burner phone. And don't be slow to call the police if he harasses you or makes you feel threatened.

Most of all, be kind to yourself. Take time for yourself whenever possible. Jogging or yoga might help.

My family got me in touch with women's aid a few months ago and even though I'm working with them and they coukd describe him to a T I still question everything. What if I'm wrong, because I done this or I done that and that's why I got that reaction, that's why he felt insecure. I admit I used to hide the fact if I ran into someone or for instance if I had a brief conversation with someone. I done this after having the kids, just to save an argument, save the questions what felt slightly like an interrogation. I was so fed up having to report simple things, innocent things. Like if I spoke to a male who knew both of us, prob asked how my partner was doing etc. If I did come home and tell him it would blow up into an argument and it would go on over a few days.

I was made to feel like I was cheating for speaking to another man, he said I was making a mug out of him or out of the relationship. But it was an innocent conversation. So sometimes I just kept it to myself just to save any hassle or rock the boat but on a few occasions he found out and of course I was untrustworthy then, a liar. I tried my best to explain to him no its not normal that I've to keep things but when I do tell you things it gets blown out of proportion.

Therefore my lying made him trust me even less which I completely understand and fully hold my hands up to. But I would never have cheated on him, I wasnt flirting or anything like that. It simply was to just save an argument. I knew it wasn't normal what I was doing but because I did do that I think to myself well yeah, he's right you did lie or withhold stuff from him. I also know i pulled back because I was so fed up with things like this. I just wanted to be honest and tell him stuff without him thinking x,y,z !

I loved the man, that's the hard bit, I genuinely loved him, he was my best friend and I can't believe he's done this to me and betrayed me in the way he has. I've helped him through so much shit throughout the years, during his really bad issues with mental health I saved him many times. But during mine I was abandoned and then had the entire blame of our relationship falling apart placed on me. And because of my traits like I've said in this post I see his point but I also know I was damned if I did, damed if I didn't.

Maybe he was right this all falls onto me. But if I hadn't had all these wrong accusations all the time I'd have never felt the need to do that. Just can't quite believe 20 yrs of my life and my love are just ripped away in the blink of an eye. Feel like I wasn't enough.

Womens aid are fantastic and when I explain this to them they told me my feelings are normal to question myself and the reality I lived and to remember I loved this person unconditionally and that I'm not to blame that he has put the blame on me to help him feel better about the situation and to make himself feel like a victim. Some days I can see that but most days I question my reality and think no he's right if only I'd done this better, if only been honest, if I hadn't pulled away or gone cold at times... Feel like I'm fighting a massive battle in my head compared to other women who leave a situation like this and feel immediate relief. What the hell is wrong with me. I've even questioned if I was the abuser at times from listening to his side of things of how much I was hurting him at times. I'm way too soft for my own good and a massive people pleaser so I always try to take other people's feeling or emotions on board which has ultimately left me dealing with a mind fuck in my own head.

Please has this happened to any other women on here coming out of a relationship like this?? Am I ever going to heal from this and be happy... And are these feelings of anger and jealously of him getting to move on so quickly as if I never mattered going to go away. At 6 months in I honestly thought I'd be in a bit of a better headspace

@Pinkbonbon in fairness from Feb he doesn't be in touch unless its regarding the kids. It was as if overnight all the tooing and going he was doing with me just completely stopped.
He doesn't ask anything about me or my goings on anymore, very much just about the kids.

Up until then yes, he was still coming into the home, ringing me late at night if I'd been out "checking to see if I was ok" but I mean it was more to see if I was home alone which I was... Yes at the beginning fir those months up til Feb he was still very much in my business. But then it switched and I'm basically ghosted. I suppose that part confused me too as it happened so abruptly yet up until a point it was very much all about I was the love of his life etc, now its just like I never existed. And whilst I should start to find some peace in having minimum contact it just feeds more into me that I was so easy to walk away from...
and I suppose it hurts. Just to be cast aside as and when suited him

But no in fairness to him there hasn't been anymore of that. He's very much moving on

Hi OP
You've been the victim of narcissistic abuse.
Read up on it.
6 months is nothing for recovery.
I've been through similar unfortunately. I'm further down the road than you. It's tough but you can do it. Don't let him back in, in any way.
You don't feel it I know but you're young, you've got your kids and you've got yourself.
The ruminating is hard. Unbearable at times. It will pass but not as quickly as you'd like.
Sending strength and a hug.

It sounds like you keep going over and over it wondering if there's something you could have done differently though op...even though you know he was the issue. He brainwashed you into constantly proving yourself. Your worth, innocence, value, loyalty, goodness ect...and you're still trying.

How can you heal if you don't forgive yourself? If you still listen to that tiny voice ge installed in you that says 'maybe...i could have changed things somehow?'

Not that there's anything to forgive but, they condition us to think we are the problem for so long that that underlying worry can be hard to shake.

You need to give yourself permission to move on.

Maybe look in a mirror and say 'I'm sorry for what you've been through. I forgive you for holding on so long. But I now give you permission to let go and move forwards with a new future'.

You could also write a letter to him with all the things you want to say and then burn it.

@Pinkbonbon @Morewineplease10 honestly thankyou for both those comments esp your pinkbonbon I really do think that's the problem here with me I keep going over & over things wondering what could I have done better.
I'm just gutted that I spent so many years with this man now for absolutely nothing. Just to end up in this state & turmoil.

Honestly your post really resonates x

I honestly was forever proving myself... and proving my loyalty and love for him.
I wish I had a magic wand to erase all this

OP - you had his voice dripping poison into your ears for 20 years. It’s his voice you’re hearing now - telling you it’s your fault the relationship broke down. Remember - coercive control and sexual abuse are crimes. You have been living at a crime scene with the perpetrator year after year after year. You’re bound to feel completely shattered. And 6 months is a short time when you were together for 20 years. It will take time for you to feel better. You need to be as kind as possible to yourself now. And if you’re able to access therapy, I think that would be very helpful for you and would likely speed up the recovery process somewhat. You will get there OP. It will take time but you’ll get there.

6 months is nothing.
Especially if he's been playing with your feelings up until last month.

It's also a lot harder if they've met someone else because straight away you have the comparison to another woman, seeing them 'happy' and all that comes with that.

The new girlfriend is to pitied.
She's happy.....would she be happy if she knew that up until last months he was telling you he wanted you and missed his life with you. No, she'd be devastated.
She also hasn't seen his abusive side yet, she clearly doesn't have much life experience if she thought seeing a man who was fresh out of a 20 year relationship was a good idea, she's happy because she doesn't know what she's got herself into but that poor girl is going to find out soon enough and get her heart broken too.

@Dery thankyou. I definitely still hear his voice of opinion in my head, in everything I do or decision I'm trying to make at the moment. Even down to changing the kids school, there's a few things happening that I want to move them to another school slightly closer to me. A school he didn't want them to attend in the first place but I did... Ive made the steps to speak to the school and they are willing to take in kids in the new school yr, I think it will benefit them massively but of course I hear his reasons going in my mind. I wish all of that would switch off! My energy still seems to very much focused on pleasing him in some aspects rather doing what I think is right.
I'm so used to having to bounce things off him that I'm unable to make clear cut decisions in my own head. It's incredibly messed up and worrying what his reaction or what his response will be. This is awful.

@Moser85 I don't see that right now. All I see is perhaps I was wrong. I tried to please him too much, maybe I was a walkover and easy to put things into place with. Maybe she's stronger than I was and will put him in his place. Maybe that's why she has the freedom do things compared to what I had.

I cant make sense of anything right now. All I know is regardless of anything I put my all into my partner, my relationship and my family and its been tore down and uve to somehow rebuild myself & a life. I'm scared & I'm broken & I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. He's completely tore me apart inside out. I'm left struggling and broken and not knowing where to turn to build my strength up again. Once upon a time I was happy, semi confident and I had this spark inside of me. That spark is gone completely. It's obvious to anyone close to me my spark is diminished and I'm afraid I'll never get it back again. Whilst he moves on and gets on with things and that angers me. I cant make sense of why I'm the broken one instead of being the one getting my shit together. And yes as you said I've all the comparisons going on in my head which isn't nice when you're dealing with everything else in-between as well.

OP, you are coming out of years and years of abuse.

That is all you have known for 20 years.

Slowly but surely you have been institutionalised by his abuse of you.

Of course it is going to take time to stop hearing his voice in your head.

But you will get there.

Stay close to Women's aid and take everything they offer you.

He is still the same man.

Hiding it better, but it will out.

You need to focus on you and working on your own well-being and wellness.

Doing the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk would be good for you.

Please stay well away from men until you are much stronger.

Don't be tempted by loneliness.

You are too vulnerable to another abusive man.

Keep your business to yourself.

Too often abused women tell other abusive men that they were already abused, therefore flagging themselves as vulnerable.

Do the work on yourself.
Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Heal.
Grow stronger.
Invest in your friendships and kind family if you have some.

You will get there.

A good life awaits you.

thankyou @billy1966
I've no intention of letting anyone else in, I'm petrified of ending up in the same situation and someone then discarding of me all over again. The loneliness definitely is hurting me and making it harder. I'm so used to his company, good or bad, I'd be willing to take the bad again just to be back in my comfort zone or familiar place as bad as that sounds.

I think what the most confusing part is that it wasn't all bad, he wasn't always this bad version. I'm still thinking of all our good time, all the happy moments and the times he was a genuine good person and partner. It was his insecurities or jealousy that caused the issues and I just couldn't get through to him that he was all I needed & wanted. I loved him with all my heart. And tried to prove that time & time again. I didnt want to have a broken family, no one does I suppose but I certainly didn't seeing as I came from one myself so I was willing to fight to save it. I just think maybe I allowed myself to be walked over, maybe it was all my own doing for not being a stronger woman 😔

Yes I've heard of the freedom programme I plan on taking part in that & hopefully I'll get some more understand.

To anyone who's been asking I've been seeing a counsellor since the breakup. She reckons I'm suffering from cognitive dissonance and thinks that's why I'm doubting myself, if I was abused, or if it was my own doing. Did I deserve it etc because I'm such a soft person. So yes I've been going through this in therapy.

OP, you’re not 6 months out of that relationship! Not even 2 months. He was still very much in your life last month! He kept you on the hook while he was deciding whether to grace you or the silly new woman with his presence.

(Yes, she is silly to have a baby with a man she has just met and she knows is treating the mother of his children abominably. But that’s her problem.)

So you are, really, a few weeks on from being dumped by the man you loved for 20 years.

No wonder you’re still in pieces. And he has done such a number in your self-respect, you can’t even be kind to yourself.

Stick with the counselling and the wise advisers at Women’s Aid. You need time to change the habits and mindset formed by a very controlling 20-year relationship.

Best of luck

@Ofcourseshecan

(Yes, she is silly to have a baby with a man she has just met and she knows is treating the mother of his children abominably. But that’s her problem.)

No this girl wouldn't have a clue. She sees him being decent to me and respectful to me. She doesn't know anything else and wouldn't know anything else. That's my story and she just sees him as this great dad (which I'm not questioning he does love the kids very much) but yes she's been saying to friends what a fantastic dad he is abd can't wait to have the baby with him. He was a great dad to the two kids we have, still is. It was the partnership that was the issue

I know you can't see that now! And we all know that we can say all of this to you now and it won't properly sink in yet. But people will still say it because it's true! Eventually you'll be one of the ones who can see things clearly and pass on the same advice.

It's normal not to see things clearly at this stage. You said in the OP any thread I've read on here when women get out of an abusive relationship are relived, happy, finding their freedom and themselves again and that's not true. A huge amount of women who get out of an abusive relationship feel the way you feel.

This is such early days. It will get better!

I posted pretty similar over the weekend , as much as I know I’m safer and had a peaceful weekend I was looking at pictures of him thinking one text won’t hurt ….

the voices of reason on here convinced me not to and I didn’t I just kept busy. My house is spotless and all the washing done. Boring I know but I didn’t text …

it gets easier so I’m told , project your feelings on here if you haven’t got anyone else someone will always chat.

you’ve got this , even if it feels at times you haven’t xx you deserve more x

I think a lot of what you need is patience.

Patience with yourself to heal. I’m 2.5 years on from you, and still having therapy to ‘readjust’ to my own thoughts and ways of doing things. He is still in my head, telling me to do things. After all, he dictated most of my life for 24 years.

Patience to know that in time you will find the ‘old’ you, and rediscover joy in your life. You will.

Patience to know that your EXH and his new girlfriend will most probably not last. Mine is on his third one. They come… they go… I feel sorry for them, not knowing what a monster he can be when pushed.

Maybe try something new or creative every weekend you’re without the kids. Or make it your mission to find out everything you possibly can about coercive relationships, and the effects on the victim. I had a lot of lockdown on my own so researched this stuff a lot. It helped me.

He's not a fantastic dad. He's the worst kind of dad actually.

I found 6 months in to be the most difficult time I went round and round in circles wondering if I’d made a big mistake and imagined it all. I also hated being without the DC, spent days doing nothing waiting for them to come back…

You will get through it love, one day at a time. Be kind to yourself, book things to do when you’ve not got the kids so you’re busy, and try to focus on yourself not him in your head; easier said than done I know.

I’m now two years on and it feels totally different, the old me is starting to turn up again, and I’m really pleased to see her! I also sometimes look forward to “my” weekend so long as I’ve organised something to do with someone else…I could never have imagined that at the 6 month point.

We’re all here for you, we’ve most of us been through it one way or another…and it just takes time,I promise, you will be ok, and even
better than ok, before too long

Hi OP - I've been a similar situation, though not for such a long-term relationship. Lots of this is similar - how he swung between being Mr Fantastic in public, and taking his rage out on me at home; how he moved onto someone younger and prettier, and discarded me without a second glance; how he seemed to be treating the new partner with more respect than he ever did for me.

One example: he took so much of his anger out on me for being 'untidy' and 'disrespecting him' (he is actually far messier than I am). The new woman is also very untidy, and yet he sees this as part of her charm, what a free artistic spirit she is etc etc. What it made me realise, eventually, was that there was nothing i could have done to stop this - he just needed an excuse to rage at me and then play the martyr ("Oh, livingingsoup is so messy" etc etc).

Your feelings are completely normal. I know I am so much better out of this, and yet, 3 years on, still have massive twinges of grief - both for wasting so many years with him, what could I have differently etc etc; but also the loss of the good times; like you say, when he was good, he was great.

Things that have helped are loads of therapy, and changing my lifem, just anything that can change the patterns of how things were with him. It may sound silly but I changed my hair a lot in the last few years, said yes to every social invitation going, and signed up to lots of different sports and classes - not because I think I'm ever going to be brilliant at karate or writing fantasy novels, but because it helped me to meet new people and means that I'm doing new things.

@livinginsoup yes to changing hair, and style and getting my ears pierced, new jewellery and doing stuff/going to places he’d never have countenanced; it all helps to move you on from who you were with him…re-invent some bits of yourself @killwithkindness123 to help yourself feel stronger and then the old sparkly bits of you preXH will start to come back in time too.