first post

[MKolsen]

hi, this is my first post on here so pls bear with me. My husband and I are in our 40s, both have good jobs, two young kids. We have always been rocky but there are many periods where we just act normal and both of us look like a perfect couple on the outside; he is popular and charismatic in the community. He has always been pretty critical of me and whenever we get into some argument and I speak in a "bitchy" tone (if he has said something insensitive first to upset me), this seems to set him off. He gets more aggressive back, calls me names, puts me down, and brings up past fights that have nothing to do with the argument at hand. He would often give me the silent treatment. Over the last few years, he has gotten worse where he gets more angry, gestures like he's about to throw a glass. He has ripped out a large ceiling fan and thrown it on the ground, he has driven erratically with all of us in the car. He has recorded me during a fight where he would say he felt threatened although I was just arguing back with him the exact same way he was with me - I was not up in his face or cornering him. He has gotten into my personal space and sort of cornered me in the past, said I should get a knife and kill him since I apparently hate him. He has pushed me lightly in the past where I did fall (without getting hurt) but then I pushed him back and in the process somehow ripped his shirt and he blamed that whole thing on me and I believed him. Last week, during a fight where I screamed in his face to defend myself against an accusation, I turned around and he pushed me from the back into a wall and I got a bruise on my arm. He started hitting himself and then headbutted his head into the wall causing a hole. He said sorry eventually but that it was because I provoked him. He said I taunted him which I didn't. He finally has accepted full responsibility, says he feels ashamed, acknowledges that he gets abusive and violent, and is going to go to a doctor and therapist for help. Is there any hope at all for this?

I think you should separate. This is no kind of an environment to bring up children.

He's escalating his violence.

If he's genuinely sorry, he should remove himself from the home while he gets help.

No I don’t think there is any hope for the relationship. Please don’t put your kids through living in a constant atmosphere. They always know

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

I also do not think there is any hope whatsoever for this relationship and besides which he would need years of therapy, not mere weeks. Even then many abusers do not do well in therapy because abuse is deeply ingrained in them. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over you all. He has felt entitled to act like this towards you and in turn your kids and I would think they in particular have seen and heard way more than enough already.

What do YOU want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Trying to protect them from his abuses of you and in turn them is impossible whilst you are all under the same roof.

Plan your exit from this marriage with due care and attention, your safety is of paramount concern. Seek legal advice asap regarding all aspects of separation from him. He is likely not going to make that process at all easy for you but your kids and you cannot remain in such an abusive environment.

Why would you want any hope?
He sounds absolutely horrible and is abusive.
Leave and get a better life.

Think of your kids and leave. You’re both toxic

No, there is no hope.

For your children's sake you should split up, and provide a calm, happy home for them. They don't deserve this. They'll grow up thinking it's normal, acceptable, and end up in similar relationships. Surely you would do anything to avoid that?

Thanks all for the replies, this is very helpful. Sadly I guess I was hoping at least one person would say that as long as he felt ashamed and committed to getting help, it could be repaired.

My parents relationship was like this although I don't remember my mother ever getting cut or bruised or injured. It was a lot of slapping and hitting. And somehow my husband feels a lot scarier to me than my dad. It's been over a week and my bruise has not diminished at all. And yes I know my behavior was wrong too, I see a therapist for my own anger.

he has driven erratically with all of us in the car. That alone screams Get out before he kills you.

He is a violent bully, and you only put up with it because your father was too. What a terrible life you have had, growing up thinking that’s normality. You deserve better. If you stay with this man, your children will have the same terrible childhood as you did.

Break the pattern, OP. Leave this abuser now. If he’s willing to change now, he could have done it at any time.

Thank you. Sorry I know I sound dense but given that I also screamed and pushed him back the other time, is there any part of my actions that one can say is bringing out this effect in him? He keeps saying that I'm not meek and I'm not a victim and that I cause a lot of this because of how I act with him, apparently I'm "always" in a bad mood. What I recall is often being in a perfectly fine mood and having him say some rude condescending comment that then puts me in a bad mood. How would a non abusive man handle a woman that is sometimes a "handful"?

He’s violent, abusive and gaslighting you.
Be prepared if you leave him for things to escalate. He will call you abusive, crazy etc and will likely try to further torment you with a custody battle as he knows that’s how he’ll be able to still hurt you. He will tell everyone you’re the abuser, he will play victim, he will likely play that recording of you arguing back to everyone who’ll listen to prove you’re the abusive crazy one.

If I was in your position I’d try and see a counsellor straight away, on your own, to make sense of what has happened to you. That means when he does claim in court that you’re the crazy one, you can prove you have already taken steps to address this, so if by any chance anyone does believe him, you have evidence you’re taking the allegations seriously and are working on yourself.

Contact women’s aid and any other DV services to get as much information to be as prepared as possible. Keep notes when you’ve made contact with them, so he can’t turn around and say in the future you’ve just invented allegations of DV.

Take images of the bruise and document any other injury from now, with photo evidence. Even better if you’re able to get your injuries assessed by a GP/hospital so they’ll be evident in your medical history.

I assume nobody has ever witnessed any events? Have your children? How old are they?

Please stay safe. Use this time to keep your head low and plan/ get ducks in a row as they say on mumsnet. Whenever you feel unsafe please please look after yourself. Get away if possible. Contact police if needed. Just look after yourself.

Yes I took pictures of the bruise and the hole in the wall from his headbutting. I went to the doctor and got the bruise documented. I have had a counselor for the past year or so and told her all about this. I have called domestic violence hotlines although that's all anonymous. My kids heard the whole thing happen but did not actually see it but they saw that bruise and hole after. They have witnessed his outbursts before and have told me they know his behavior is wrong. They have often told me they are scared of him and know that when he claims I'm the angry crazy one, it's not true. He has thrown their toys across the room if they didn't tidy up and called my sweet eight year old daughter useless because she was taking too long to get ready. I guess I know he's abusive but it took me a long time to realize it and I kept blaming myself thinking I'm no prize to be around. And i thought now that he's finally agreeing to getting help, there might be some hope. Unfortunately I won't be getting my parents support on this because they are traditional and believe it's bad for the kids to get divorced and also they are say I have always had a bad temper but I know that I am not the one calling him abusive names and getting aggressive first, I think it's just that I react poorly while other women know somehow how to stay calm all the time.

Oh you poor love.
You honestly sound like you know what you have to do and like you really have your head screwed on. That’s especially remarkable you’re aware of the signs of abuse considering you grew up in an abusive household. You’re truly amazing and you’re doing the right thing for your children, despite what your parents say or believe.
Growing up in DV households causes so much complex trauma for children, which can stay with them and affect them throughout life. You’re so brave. Remember how brave you are when the time comes and don’t doubt yourself. You’re way, way, way stronger than you think you are.

♥️

Are you asking if you're also abusive because you're "fighting back". This is part of the MO, he is trying to wear you down so you STOP arguing back, STOP defending yourself and just meekly accept his abusive behaviour. He ramps up his abuse because you defend yourself against his unjust behaviour.

Standing your ground is NOT being abusive.

I think you'll find yourself much calmer as soon as you leave him, which you must do, and quickly.

Your DC are scared of him and he's being a bully. He's doing the classic abuser thing of blaming you for his aggression and lack of anger control. You need to get away from him OP. It will be hard but for your own dignity and safety as well as the DC's, you need to leave him. He's abusing you and by extension, the DC too.

Yes some part of me wonders if it's me that is the issue - he calls me abusive, toxic, difficult, argumentative, crazy, picking fights, etc. because I "fight back". If I am 100% calm and sweet when confronting him about his behavior, he responds reasonably but sometime he is still defensive. In the past 5 five years or so, the fights have gotten worse b/c I started calling him out on his behavior or questioning it more (e.g. the dangerous driving, the name calling, silent treatment, him always wanting to dictate how things should work). He has a horrible reaction to me questioning him so now I again try to adjust my behavior and stop questioning him. He normally goes out several times a week with his friends or coworkers and would get angry if I questioned it, so I just stopped. I used to want his companionship but if I said that, he'd say "you just want a lapdog" so I stopped asking for it. I once called 911 when he kept getting in my personal space and recording me. I had asked him to please stop and told him I would call the police if he didn't stop. He got more angry and started chasing me around with the phone and telling me to call. I called and basically hung up and said it wasn't an emergency, then he got even more mad (b/c now there is a record of it) and calls me a "karen" and hasn't forgiven me for doing this a couple years ago.

He sounds extremely controlling and capable of going to lengths to intimidate you. Have you got a safety plan? You have options of going to women's aid, which is there for cases like this, or going to the police to make a report if you live in a country that recognises all abuse in families as illegal. You can look up the laws of your country because, depending on where you live, he may be engaging in criminal behaviors. Your behaviors are attempts to resist his control, and he then attempts to gaslight you into thinking your are the problem when it is his behaviour that is causing these unnecessary problems. Anyone who is familiar with patterns of coercive control will see this, so don't let this prevent you from seeking help.

This. There isn't even anything to ask.

I can't believe this is almost a year later. Just an update as it helps with own sanity, he has mostly stopped with the abusive behavior bc I told him I was leaving. He also went to anger management counseling. However I still feel scared that he will start it up again if I make him angry bc I can see he is always on the precipice of it. I am struggling with feeling resentment and anger that he put me though this for sixteen years in the first place. I can't seem to forgive him. Things have been mostly peaceful but I feel hatred for what he put me and the kids through and the memories are constantly there. Has anyone else been able to move past a situation like this? I am honestly surprised that he was able to make such a big turnaround even if it's not totally sincere. We simply avoid bringing up the past abuse but it bothers me that I'm not able to talk about it freely with him.

They do not change. You know what you need to do.

Read your own post back. Look at your emotional words.

However I still feel scared that he will start it up again if I make him angry bc I can see he is always on the precipice of it. I am struggling with feeling resentment and anger that he put me though this for sixteen years in the first place. I can't seem to forgive him. Things have been mostly peaceful but I feel hatred for what he put me and the kids through and the memories are constantly there. Has anyone else been able to move past a situation like this? I am honestly surprised that he was able to make such a big turnaround even if it's not totally sincere. We simply avoid bringing up the past abuse but it bothers me that I'm not able to talk about it freely with him.

You are still walking on eggshells. You are avoiding bringing anything up in case he flips. You can not live like that. It is time