Struggling

[Coffeeko]

Hi all

i need to talk to someone about my situation. I’m struggling with my relationship. Background is we have been together for 14 years, 2 children primary school age.

we both work full time - DP in a high paying highly stressful job.

DP has been through some unfortunate life events which I believe may have impacted him mentally. We have been through lots and eventually we almost broke up but DP went to the GP was eventually put on anti depressants and what a difference it made to our relationship. He was calm, happy, patient.

he was on them for 18 months but felt they were causing negative side effects - tiredness and weight gain.

he abruptly stopped them in January this year and I told him he should speak to a doctor but he insisted he was fine.

he has turned into a horrible nasty person to me and the children. He is agitated, aggressive and miserable. All the time.

yrsterday I had enough and was a bit mean to him, I said some nasty things to him such as “do you think if we split up the kids would want to come and see you if you’re like this?”

yes it was uncalled for but honestly I grew up with a dad who I hated and who was utterly miserable and when my parents split up I didn’t want to see him. Now as an adult I don’t see him hardly. And I was trying to make a point that it really does matter how you treat your kids as one day they’ll not want to see you.

abyway he then went out to grab a takeaway for dinner and I put the kids to bed. Then at bedtime he said he genuinely considered driving off a bridge he was going across due to my comments.

I apologised but I did say he was being horrible. He acknowledged this and I said I was really worried I wanted him to call dr in the morning.

he is refusing saying that he knows he needs to go back on the medication but he can’t face the doctor right now. He promises me he will do it this week but not today.

but then if he’s genuinely feeling suicidal I said I would need to call for him.

he then got angry at me and said I’m making it worse. He needs to prepare himself to speak to a doctor and right now he’s not able to.

he used to let his prescription run out because he put off calling for a renewal so much and whenever that happened i could see a massive difference.

in an argument I would say “have you missed your medication again?” And this would frustrate him even more and I know it is wrong of me but I would also be so incredibly frustrated.

Any advice

i think you need clear boundaries with him and to set a deadline for when he needs to deal with this. Ok not today, but by the end of the week, and if he doesn't then XX happens. Also be clear on how this has to be going forwards, and if you will tolerate this behaviour ongoing and the consequences if he doesn't. Because otherwise it could drag on forever.

@Coffeeko have you ever attended the doctor with him?

I’ve not but it’s usually over the telephone. He has a fear of calling so puts it off and off.

Can he change the meds he's on if it causing weight gain? What about a less pressured job?

I can read you have had enough so I wouldn't judge based on a throw away comment at all. However saying "have you forgotten to take your meds" is mocking and your asking for a very bad reaction back.

You both need time apart if it's got to this stage.

He is allowed choices and you are allowed boundaries.

He can choose not to call the doctor and to delay and not take meds if he doesn't want. But you can choose not to put up with abusive behaviour. And threatening to drive off a bridge is controlling. And his foul mood is abusive.

You're both wishing for a relationship which isn't going to happen. You want medicated, calm him, who takes his meds and doesn't skip any. He wants to not take meds and for you to accept all his behaviours. Neither of you gets either of those things. Which means you should probably not be with each other. It's a recipe for misery.

The thing is we have two children, a life a house together. When he takes his meds he’s a different person. Calm, loving. When he doesn’t he causes anxiety in my body and stress.

So he is actively choosing to cause you anxiety and stress. He knows how to change this, but he chooses not to.

My sympathies are with you OP. He is choosing not to take his meds and he knows that as a result he's being horrible to you and the kids. And he expects you to put up with that. His behaviour is not okay.

I think in all honesty you could both do with an open conversation and lay your cards on the table, both of your expectations, boundaries and desires.

It comes across as you aren't very sympathetic to his MH. Previously being on medication myself if someone asked if I had forgotten my pills I think that would have upset me too as with many others. He also seems like he doesn't know how to communicate effectively.

I think you both need to work on your communication and your expectations for this to work. I would suggest letting him speak openly and frankly about his mental health and supporting him on this journey, go to GP with him, book him an appointment and make him understand that you are with him on this rollercoaster too.

It helps to be understanding, loving and compassionate. It goes a long way - always imagine the shoe being on the other foot and how you would feel with some of the comments you have made to him.

Hope you get a resolution OP

Also a side note, medication isn't the only way to help depression, regular exercise, an open space to vent without repercussions, good sleep, a few days out together and as a family, meditation, mindfulness, reading, decompressing from his stressful job - will all work wonders for your mind.

You can't expect the largest part of the human body to heal overnight. The brain takes the most trauma.