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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just need a handhold. Heavily pregnant and found messages

12 replies

Lostmummy5 · 27/03/2023 00:05

Hi,
I just need to tell this for someone. I have no family in UK and my both parents were diagnosed with cancer in last 2 weeks.
I'm feeling sick. I don't know what to do. I can't even call and tell this for my parents or ask an advice /help.
We had lots of issues with my husband (he was gambling, we were struggling with money, then he was verbally and financially abusing me, etc.).
I'm heavily pregnant with our second child. Unplanned pregnancy. I noticed that he changed a lot in the last couple of months - avoiding eye contact,mood changes, hiding his phone, smiling and looking very happy when reading something on his phone.
I had very strong gut feeling there is something going on.
He is completely drunk tonight after party and I checked his phone. I couldn't unlock it (he has several passwords on every single device). But I saw pop in WhatsApp messages from lady (with contact photo) :"I'm happy", "are you at home", etc.
I know every single person from his workplace and she is not from there. I tried to Google her number but didn't find anything.
I don't know how to tell him, I don't know what to do (I don't have massive savings for private renting). I could give birth any day now. I'm feeling so lonely and I can't stop to cry....

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 27/03/2023 00:17

I'm sorry you're in this situation now.
Realistically, if you're not in a position to move away due to finances...it may not be wise to do anything just yet.

Especially as you don't seen to have much of a support system.

Do you have any good friends in the UK.or do you have siblings in your home country?

I can't imagine having him at the birth while he's cheating.

If you were feeling strong enough, you could straight up tell him you know he's seeing someone and you want to know EVERYTHING or else you're done with the marriage.

That doesn't mean you leave today or tomorrow... but it's telling him you're not going to be treated like this and if he'd rather be with her... he can go.

It depends on how much you can do on your own. Without knowing the extent of it all... you don't know what you're dealing with.

Cheating on a pregnant wife is the lowest...especially with everything your going through.

Additional support for you would be
www.survivinginfidelity.co.uk

Original poster
Lostmummy5 · 27/03/2023 00:29

SandyY2K · 27/03/2023 00:17

I'm sorry you're in this situation now.
Realistically, if you're not in a position to move away due to finances...it may not be wise to do anything just yet.

Especially as you don't seen to have much of a support system.

Do you have any good friends in the UK.or do you have siblings in your home country?

I can't imagine having him at the birth while he's cheating.

If you were feeling strong enough, you could straight up tell him you know he's seeing someone and you want to know EVERYTHING or else you're done with the marriage.

That doesn't mean you leave today or tomorrow... but it's telling him you're not going to be treated like this and if he'd rather be with her... he can go.

It depends on how much you can do on your own. Without knowing the extent of it all... you don't know what you're dealing with.

Cheating on a pregnant wife is the lowest...especially with everything your going through.

Additional support for you would be
www.survivinginfidelity.co.uk

Thank you for your message. I don't have any siblings, I'm the only child. So it makes things even harder as I need to stay "strong" for my parents.
I have few friends in UK but I'm feeling such a big shame to tell them all the story.... My best friend knows maybe 20% of the story, she supported me in the past.
There is no way he will be with me during labour. He will stay with our son at home, we don't have a childcare and my son is very sensitive, he won't stay at my friend's house.
I hate him now... Honestly, if I would have money, I would leave tonight and I would never come back. I did so many things to save our relationship, to survive financial problems and he did this...

OP posts:
thisisasurvivor · 27/03/2023 00:34

Can you get out as soon as possible??

My ex was abusing me heavily pregnant

It was utter hell and I was so ashamed to tell anyone

DominoBlue · 27/03/2023 00:37

I'm so sorry. Could you go to your parents? Could they buy you and the children a ticket for a visit that you don't come home from? Honestly, why are you staying with a gambler, he will never change. Would you be able to build a new life with your parents and support them through their treatment.

Dicktimsabound · 27/03/2023 01:02

I'm so sorry. You need to put yourself first and try to keep calm. Please remember to eat and have plenty of rest especially as birth imminent. All that matters now is getting through labour safely and welcoming your little one into the world.

Personally I would tell him you know he is cheating and that it is wholly unacceptable and disrespectful. You have every right to know who this person is and what does he intend to do as you won't tolerate living like that. Do not beg, plead or agree to sweep it under the carpet. Merely see what information he offers up. You should not have to make decisions on your future in your current state.

Please ask for an STD test at the hospital. Please do not feel any shame - that is all on him. You are an innocent victim of his appalling behaviour.

How long have you been together and what are your living arrangements - rented or mortgaged (if so are you on that or the deeds)?

Thinking of you OP. Can a friend not accompany you for the birth?

Original poster
Lostmummy5 · 27/03/2023 08:39

thisisasurvivor · 27/03/2023 00:34

Can you get out as soon as possible??

My ex was abusing me heavily pregnant

It was utter hell and I was so ashamed to tell anyone

I can't, I don't have where to go, I'm still on very low pay because I'm on sick note almost all pregnancy and I can deliver baby any day now. Not available to fly anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostmummy5 · 27/03/2023 08:42

DominoBlue · 27/03/2023 00:37

I'm so sorry. Could you go to your parents? Could they buy you and the children a ticket for a visit that you don't come home from? Honestly, why are you staying with a gambler, he will never change. Would you be able to build a new life with your parents and support them through their treatment.

I'm thinking about this. But I can't do it right now. I'm with high risk pregnancy because my autoimmune disease and I don't even have a medical insurance in my home country.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostmummy5 · 27/03/2023 08:46

Dicktimsabound · 27/03/2023 01:02

I'm so sorry. You need to put yourself first and try to keep calm. Please remember to eat and have plenty of rest especially as birth imminent. All that matters now is getting through labour safely and welcoming your little one into the world.

Personally I would tell him you know he is cheating and that it is wholly unacceptable and disrespectful. You have every right to know who this person is and what does he intend to do as you won't tolerate living like that. Do not beg, plead or agree to sweep it under the carpet. Merely see what information he offers up. You should not have to make decisions on your future in your current state.

Please ask for an STD test at the hospital. Please do not feel any shame - that is all on him. You are an innocent victim of his appalling behaviour.

How long have you been together and what are your living arrangements - rented or mortgaged (if so are you on that or the deeds)?

Thinking of you OP. Can a friend not accompany you for the birth?

We are together more than 10 years... We renting in UK and we are in London. I simply can't afford deposit for rent when even studio flat is at least £1000/month. I'm heavily pregnant, with low pay, I really don't think any landlord would take me.
I already checked the social housing and there is no way I'll get it.
So the only one way is to give birth for second child and run away....
I just don't know how to survive in the same house couple of months until I'll sorted out all papers, passport for baby, etc.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 27/03/2023 09:59

Oh that's tough. Like you say, there's not much you can do right now if you're thinking of going to be with your parents, as you can't fly. Hope the birth goes smoothly for you Flowers

sandgrown · 27/03/2023 10:07

Speak to your closest friend. There is no shame on your part. Could your friend be at the birth with you? It will be hard to leave with a brand new baby . Try to keep calm and start making plans for your escape when you have passports etc. Good Luck x

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/03/2023 10:26

What a horrible situation for you. Are your parents able to help you out financially?

Calmdown14 · 27/03/2023 10:27

It's not weak to do nothing right now. Perhaps this is the wrong time for confrontation.

You need to put your health and the health of your baby first. You need somewhere stable to recover from the birth.

If it were me, I'd probably keep quiet for now. You don't have to physically leave him but mentally you can start preparing yourself and thinking about what you want for the future.

A visit home once you have recovered and the baby is big enough sounds like a great idea. Give you some distance and some options.
You can't just take children without consent but you have family illness as a reason to be there, you'll be on mat leave (and if he's got another woman he may happily wave you off).

The passport office may be slow at the moment so apply as soon as baby is born.

As for surviving in the same house, the baby is helpful here. Can you sort it so you sleep with baby and go up at night, basically live quite separately under the guise of not disturbing him. If you don't want to share a bed start struggling with your hips. I could genuinely only sleep on an air bed. I set up one of those electric double height ones in the nursery and slept on that. And stayed in there regularly after baby was born as my husband has a manual job and early starts so was better for him to get some sleep

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