Have been with my partner over seven years. In the past we'd lived in the same house for brief periods, but due to education/jobs/family circumstances a lot of our relationship we've lived apart. As I mostly work remotely, I made the decision to move to closer to where he lives (where I don't know anyone.)
Had a wonderful Christmas together, but from the moment we moved in I'd noticed a few things:
He raised his voice if he disliked something I had to say
Would say he 'couldn't cope with my going on at him' if I said ANYTHING he didn't like. Seemed to take a lot of things as a criticism even when they weren't critical/felt like walking on eggshells.
In January, after about six weeks of living together he out of the blue said he wanted to break up, as he 'wasn't really feeling it sexually.' Wanted to be single/date other women. Asked if we could make it more casual! Obviously I told him to stuff it, but was very upset and shocked. Within minutes he was saying it was his tiredness more than anything (he was travelling a fair amount between home & work.) Then said it was to do with being skint and needing to do more hours at work. Within a few hours he was begging for forgiveness. For context, things like this have happened in the past though not to this extreme and by no means regularly. He had an abusive household and has childhood trauma, but I know this is by no means an excuse for this.
In the past when he's said things to this effect, he's said he literally can't help saying them, but I have to understand he doesn't mean them & ignore them. That he has something in his head telling him to say this. The night before he'd been talking marriage & the future. A few weeks after all this occurred he also told me he has no sex drive, which doesn't really go very well with the wanting to date other women statement.
I was already experiencing anxiety, but over the next few weeks I really spiralled. Was having awful night time horrors, not sleeping, constantly pacing and felt completely disconnected from reality. This was happening before what he said, but I think this made it all worse. I noticed a few weeks he seemed to be playing on my anxiety. I said one morning I felt like nothing was real and maybe I was dead and he said 'maybe you are.'
Emotionally following his statement I did withdraw emotionally and tried to focus on things for myself more. Weirdly, once this happened, he became more possessive, wanted to see be as much as possible etc. It all came to a head one weekend when he freaked me out with his behaviour, was acting extremely mentally unstable, told me aliens were coming for me, swatted me around the head and then denied doing it.
I managed to get him out of the flat (he was with his brother before) & then left myself for a few weeks to return to my parents house. Offered for my Dad to give him his stuff but he said it was fine and could wait. I then messaged him saying I needed time to feel better and told him I was unwell, which wasn't untrue. He left me for a while & then has text on and off asking how I am. I've had very brief conversations with him but nothing detailed.
I actually returned to the flat 10 days ago but didn't tell him immediately. He'd asked when I was coming back. Since then I've pretty much not heard from him. I don't know how to move forward - I've thrown myself into work/hobbies/friends but don't have a great local network.
I presume he is mentally unstable, but obviously we've been through so much together it still feels a wrench for this to happen. Used to speak to each other on the phone every day, even when we were living together. I literally felt he was my best friends. These recent times have been awful, but there's times in the past when he's supported my loads emotionally and we've had the most amazing conversations and fun together.
So, what now. Should I confirm I'm back and arrange to meet him for a chat? Is that even safe? On a practical level, I have a lot of his stuff here at the flat, so I presume he'd want it at some point.
I also miss the person I thought I knew before this all happened :( I know the typical advice might be I need to move on, but I was extremely attached to him & I'm also neurodivergent, which I think has possibly means I struggle to handle this kind of thing.