Can I have a brief complain please

[teneastereggs]

Just need to vent! I'm a lone parent, and have been well over a decade after exh left for OW. Today with one of the dcs ill it just hit me how frustrating it can be to have been doing all of the parenting, day in day out, for so many years. Everything is on me. Exh rarely sees the dcs and just acts like none of it is his responsibility or anything to do with him. I don't try talking to him as he's abusive.

Anyway just that really, it hit me that it's me dealing with all of the consequences of a bad choice of marriage partner, as on a day to day basis he has just opted out. Men don't seem to even really face judgement in these circumstances, I reckon if anything it''s single mums who get judged.Most the time I just get on with it and enjoy life and the time with the dcs as best I can.

I hear you.

It annoys me that the 'single mum' is sometimes used as (obvs innacurate) shorthand for failed / on benefits / made bad choices. Whereas when a man is bringing up children on his own he's some sort of martyr.

A man I used to work with (a genuinely nice person) once told me about another colleague who he said 'brought up those 2 children on his own, you know? He did it all by himself.' At the time I knoew 7 or 8 women who were bringing up children on their own (he also knew some of them), and noone had seen fit to point it out like they were heros!

In your case, I promise you that I'd still rather be you than your ex. Who's closer to the children? Who do they go to with good news or bad news? Who gets to spend cuddly evenings and sunny days with them? I know it can be really, really hard bringing up children alone. But it does get easier as they get older, and they won't ever feel about him as they feel about you.

You make a very valid point @teneastereggs

Thanks for reading and replying, it has helped to write it down. perfectcolourfound I know of a man who has to do it on his own and is also treated like a hero for doing that where a woman wouldn't be at all. I know what you mean, it's good intentions (and right they are praised) but thoughtless about women doing the exact same.
I'd rather be me than my ex too, thanks for pointing this out you are right.

But you get the love and respect of your children, and even if you don't see it now, you have got the decades of having your adult children in your life, with possible grandchildren too xx

You’re not to blame for a bad choice of marriage partner. I’m sure you didn’t know he’d turn out that way. He is to blame, by choosing to be a bad partner and father.

Thank you both. It means a lot and I appreciate the support, I dont have much support even though I have tried to make friends, but years of having to pay babysitters to go out hasn't helped to get much social life. Yes that's true thinking of the future and I do have a good relationships with dc. It's true also when I met him I thought he was nice! I can see that it was lovebombing- wish I'd had MN back then for sure.

@perfectcolourfound

I understand what you are saying but even some non ex husbands would rather play on X Box/other games/go to the pub/ "work late"/stay in bed than look after their own kids!

So in one way at least you are not carrying a dead weight of space around!

Just wanted to say - I was raised by a single mom. Dad was around very occasionally.
And I am eternally grateful to her for being my mom and doing all the work.

I don’t know if I properly understood it all before having my kids - but especially since then i think I gained even deeper understanding and awe.
Hang on in there!!!

Whenever I hear anytime the phrase single mum, lone parent I immediately think “oh yes, the parent that didn’t bugger off.

Bless you, and as others have said you will have a lovely relationship with dc when they are old enough to appreciate what you have been through.

And at the same time there will be some women, stuck with a useless or abusive partner, who would rather be a single parent even though it is the hardest job in the world.

Dont forget you are the centre of your childrens world. I think you and all the other single mums should pat yourself on the back and treat yourself to that wine, choccies, flowers, bath, gin, cake, nap etc etc.

Dont blame yourself for your ex being shit. Keeping in touch with your own children is a very low bar. It’s like buying a new car that keeps breaking down. You don’t blame yourself for buying that car. The least that new car should be able to do is get you from A to B. If it can’t even do that it’s a useless car.

Hi OP, similar situation here, it's shit. And yes single mums get so much stigma! We are the hardest working of all and people judge us all the time. Sucks! I don't have a social life basically - can't afford babysitters. It's hard because there's literally no break no downtime and no let up in responsibility or worry.

My friends don't get it at all unfortunately. Not even my siblings. I don't think even my mum can truly empathise because she had a partner and parents locally who helped her.

I am looking forward to when my kid is a bit older and I can go out without worry about him! In the meantime it's head down and get on with it. But could do with more money and more time in the meantime. You just do what you have got to do to get on with it.

It really hurts though when you are judged by other people. :(

Sending and to all you Wonderwomen and Supermums out there doing the job of both parents. My XBIL used to tell his children he was “always there for them”, after he left with his OW. Your children know and will never forget who really is there for them, in reality, not just words.

Ignore the judgments of others; I think lone parents are absolute heroes