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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Seperation advise

1 reply

Aidenia · 26/03/2023 20:09

I am in UK and I am in dilemma and I need advise. I am currently going through a hell at home. Have two kids 19 and 7. In a bad marriage. Dont have anyane close to ask advise. Parents died and dont have siblings. Husband is currently being very abusive. Its been 20 years of confusion whether he wants us or not. One minute he will be loving and sweet and next minute all cranky... shouting throwing our clothes out of cupboards. He has never helped me or supported me financially or anything. Never bought me basic essentials or presents or even acknowledged me for anything. When I got married he told me that he has alot of debt and will only take few years to pay off. Daughter was born next year and he was not happy. ... 20 years on he has not paid his loans and has always expected me to do so. He has some how convinced me to get loans and took credit off my credit cards but never helped me to pay them. His abuse has taken a toll ever since his sister came to uk for a visit and then decided to stay here and apply for asylum. He never told me that she was coming until their visa process was completed and visa granted. They move into out 2 bedroom house and it was over crowded. They stayed with is for 5 months before they werr moved to a hotel base temp accommodation. Evert week ent they are here and expect me and my daughter to cook 2 -3 dishes for them. My daughter has a gangolian cyst in her right wrist and i have a frozen shoulder. Entertaing the family is hard but my daughter does it without complaining. But I think that I need to take a stand for my daughter. Not only this my husbands sister keeps asking for clothing, spending money... its like taking care of two households. They complain the food provides by home office is not good and that they are only give 24 pounds a week which is not enough for them. The real problem is that now there are two them planning secretly and abusig me. My husband and his sister threatened me to get 16 k loan to support in their procedure otherwise he will divorce me and I will be on the streets with frozen shoulder and kids. Sister in law husband has once threatened me that if I contact home office about them my kids will be in danger. I dont really feel safe. My daughter is preparing for her A level exams and looking forward to Uni in september. My question is if I move out what should be the first step. Mind you I dont friends... I just realised because he never permitted me to make friends out of his friend circle. He never liked me talking to my cousins and always checked my phone if I had called anyone. Also, what help I would be able to get as a single parent. Will my daughter still be able to go uni ? Is it doable? How much would be rent and things? My current outgoings into lians is 1K every month. If I get my debts consolidated/write off will I be able apply for right to buy home?. I really want to pick up my bags and leave but I have no wherr to go and have work in the morning. Dont know what to do and whome to talk. I wish my parents were alive and had siblings. I want to give my children a happy and peaceful home. But I feel trapped. I have heard that before I take such action I should have savings to start a new life with my kids. You must be thinking that why I did not leave him before. The thing is that he kept us confused all the time. Even today me and my kids are confused. All he wants of me is cooked food and money. His sister wants to us to move out so she can move into the property as they say the hotel is like a jail. Please advise me ... whatever you can best in your knowledge. I will take you all as my family and will be waiting for your relpys.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/03/2023 20:21

Giving you spaghetti head is par for the course with abusers so your confusion is normal. What he has done to you and in turn your kids over the past 20 years is show you all the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. He has and continues to be financially abusive towards you making you take out loans to pay for his debts. Such men are not just financially abusive either and indeed he is emotionally abusive towards you as well.

On a wider level the damage also being done to your kids by them seeing all this abuse at first hand is incalculable and may only become further apparant when they embark on their own relationships. It is for they also that you absolutely need to plan your exit from your abuser with due care and attention.

Are you married according to English Civil law?. You need legal advice first and foremost from a Solicitor. If you want to give your children a both happy and peaceful home he needs to be permanently out of your day to day lives. Would you be able and willing to contact Womens Aid Home - Women's Aid (womensaid.org.uk). Never be afraid either to call the police here if at any point you feel unsafe.

Your own recovery from his (and further his sister's) abuses of you will take a long time, years even, to recover from. Its not too late to start making plans to leave and your children will also thank you for doing so.

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

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