Trigger Warning DV

[AnonymousA1]

I am posting anonymously because I don’t want anyone knowing how stupid I am.
Very Recently left abusive husband of 9 years. Please don’t judge me for the length of time I stayed or ask why I didn’t leave.

I have left before, and gone back. I have gone back after he attempted suicide (pathetic attempts, I can see now), after repeated promises of he will change. He has I have to add not physically abused me for 8 months . Before that it was maybe weekly at the worst parts , fuelled by drinking.

I have feared for my life before. It was bad and there has been police intervention on more than one occasion. Police were great at the time but useless in aftercare. I felt I am safer being nice to him than making him angry.

I was waiting for him to have an affair or something so I had a valid reason to leave (I know this sounds ridiculous).

I am in therapy with CPTSD due to this and CSA However today I find myself looking at photos of him , thinking maybe he has changed … I know he probably hasn’t.

I just need someone to just tell me don’t contact him, I feel I should just to check he’s ok. The strange thing is I’ve had the best most peaceful weekend without him.

sometimes I don’t understand my own mind.

Has anyone else ever felt this way and I’m genuinely sorry if my post triggers anyone x

Don’t contact him!

You’re doing well and you’re not alone, I’d been with my abusive husband for 8 years and still didn’t have the strength or courage to end it or leave!!

no one will judge you for studying so long or even for thinking you should maybe contact him (but please don’t for your sake) good luck for your future

In my relationship there's not been physical violence - just emotional abuse and control. So I kind of understand. I also ended it then stupidly went back. I'm now trying to escape again and wish more than anything that I'd not gone back. It's a living hell.

Please don't go back. You are worrying about how he is because you're a decent person. He is not. He will use any contact from you to worm his way back in, pretend to be nice for a while then he'll abuse you again. He won't have changed. Talk about how you're feeling on here instead, that might help?

I’ve had the best most peaceful weekend without him.
Please always remember what you just said here. Make it a peaceful week, then fortnight, then eventually forever, without ever looking back or contacting him. Please get some support from an organisation like Women's Aid as well as in real life if you can. You've done brilliantly. Keep it going - you know you can. 💐

@FordCreek thank you so much and I am so sorry you went through this shit as well. If you ever want to chat I’m just a message away. I honestly never thought I would get out , I still don’t feel safe I’m a nervous wreck but I have peaceful days if I know he’s not in the same town for the day. I am just going to try and keep busy and stop looking on Facebook xx

You have a real chance for more peaceful life now. You deserve that.

Old habits are tempting you to contact him, nothing more. Be strong and move forward. Your ex is an adult and not your responsibility.

@BigBlueSloth thank you for being kind. I’m so sorry you’re going through emotional abuse that is as horrible as the physical abuse. I left about 6 times but this is the longest I’ve stayed away . I hope you get out soon xxx

@1@AlwaysLatte thank you so much. Women’s aid have really helped me, once I eventually got threw , I wish there was more support for people. I don’t like speaking to my friends , I guess they suspect well I know they know but because I’ve always denied it I don’t feel right speaking to them yet. Thank you again and here’s to a peaceful week 🙏

@Spottycarousel you are absolutely right x thank you x

DON'T CONTACT HIM (in case it helps to keep hearing it ), you will only have to start this process all over again when he proves he hasn't changed at all

@Rarar this is exactly why I posted I needed people to speak sense to me. What you have said is exactly what happens ! Xx

Absolutely OP, abusers rarely change and only ever after considerable time and effort working on themselves with extensive therapy, so unless he's done all that you can safely assume he hasn't changed one bit.

Keep coming back here when the doubt creeps in, it will take time to regain your confidence in your own decisions and we are more than happy to help in the meantime. You've been incredibly strong to get this far, don't let yourself slide back down that ladder to be beaten by the snake!

@Rarar he says he’s changed because “I haven’t touched you for 8 months “ and I should really be over it by now.

that’s how I know he hasn’t really changed x

Do you have children op

@Forreplying yes x

It is very normal to have to make repeated attempts to leave an abusive relationship. You’ve done really well to get away and stay away. Just keep on staying away and gradually it will become easier. You cannot listen to him about any of this. Abusers care only for themselves and will say whatever is needed to get their own way. You will have no peace with him so keep on staying away.

Ok I don't want to scare you. But please don't go back. You would be putting your children at risk and you would risk loosing your children. You have been though so much , your an extremely strong person. You have already taken the biggest step . So continue on that path and allowed yourself to have the happy life you deserve. I promise you stick at ot you will get there. 💐

@Dery thank you for being so kind x

@Forreplying I made the mistake of thinking my children didn’t see it so it doesn’t affect them. I know now he’s not here they knew more than they let on , I have to live with that guilt. They are seeing the welfare people at school I have been really honest with them and they are working with them. I won’t go back x thank you for the gentle kick up the arse x

Please don't ever feel guilty. You did not know.you was in an extremely difficult place. You are doing your best for you and your children. I only said it because my family have been in the same /similar situation. Honestly stick at lt. You will be fine

You’re grieving for what could have been, the life you and he should have had. But he’s incapable of that. He’s never going to make that life with you.
There always have to be some goid bits in amongst the bad —- if not you nor I would have been married more than a day! They’re clever to throw in the odd nice but that we cling to as what should be our norm.
Think about having a fire, burn the photos, make new happy memories of you. It’s very therapeutic.