Silent and passive husband

[Lareunion974]

I’m really struggling in my relationship atm. Been with DH 11 years (married 4) and have 3 and 5yr old girls. DH has always been quiet and quite introverted, but recently it has got more and more extreme. Sometimes he barely says anything at all (either just with me, or in group social situations) and I am there like a performing seal, trying to broach a huge range of topics to get something out of him. I really struggle with the lack of communication/feedback as for me it is key to intimacy (we have sex occasionally but not loads). I feel like we used to connect a lot more on a range of topics (politics, films, travel, comedy) and whilst having two young children does get in the way of that, I don’t feel that that is the real reason for the lack of communication. Most of our communication now is just very superficial/to do with the running of the house or the children. We rarely if ever have deeper conversations, which leaves me incredibly frustrated. I am at the point where I am embarrassed to have my family over as they will be making lots of conversation to try and include him and will get almost nothing back. My parents don’t say it to me but I suspect they might think he’s becoming very dull.

What’s upsetting is that if he is in the mood/inclined to do so, he can be much more passionate, expressive about certain topics, or if we see some of his friends out and about. It’s just quite rare that that situation arises however, so it’s just becoming a more and more silent relationship. I don’t want to be harsh, but I’m starting to wonder whether he really has any imagination/just nothing going on inside his head as he has so few opinions on anything. As I say, he was always the quiet type when we met, but it seems to have got worse and lead to massive frustration for me. At work has he no ambition but is also far too negative to change anything about it.

On the positive side, he is very solid with our two kids and has been respectful/helpful towards any professional ambitions I might have. He also does his fair share of the chores and DIY and is definitely a good father. He’s a very loyal type and has his morals in the right place.

I’m not sure what to do. The situation is really affecting me, but I am very very reluctant to separate; two young kids, not to mention the house and money, which is all tied up together. I feel like if the communication improved by 20% or similar, that would be enough. I don’t expect him to tick every box and I know I can get a lot of simulation from friendships, but the current situation is not sustainable without me going mad. If I speak to him about it, he usually gets very defensive and goes even quieter! He doesn’t really see that there’s anything wrong…

Has anyone been in the situation and managed to work through it? Do you have any suggestions? Like I say, separation would be the absolute last resort as things are working well enough, at least to sustain a reasonable family life for my kids. TIA

Does he drink?

What are his parents like?

I am there like a performing seal, trying to broach a huge range of topics to get something out of him

You sound quite aggressive in your approach to what you acknowledge are his needs. Maybe shut up and back off a bit and see what happens?

Stop trying to force it.

he can be much more passionate, expressive about certain topics, or if we see some of his friends out and about

It does sound as if you are quite dominating. Give him a bit of room to breathe.

My husband is often extremely quiet. I think he can come across as rude. He has always been like it. I come from a family where we chat and chat so I still find his lack of chat strange despite being married for 30 plus years.

We do get on and he can chat when he wants. I'm used to it I suppose.

Our kids are grown and are much, much closer to me, when they come over we all sit and talk for hours and disappears. I think it's a bit weird but I leave him to it. I'm not going to try and change it and I'm not going to take any responsibility for it.
If my husband came across as a bit weird or rude then that's his issue not mine. I've never tried to make him be more talkative.
If it really bothers you you need to think what happens when you both retire and your kids have left home. I do a lot of things without him. It's not a problem for either of us. He is happy for me. He is a very loyal and kind person so I think I accept his lack of chat as part of him. I sometimes wonder why he is like that though. He had a nasty father and a slightly reclusive Mother and he also suffered an injury as a young child.

I'm very glad my four kids take after me though.

That should say
"and he disappears"

I am an introvert. There’s certain social situations I don’t like and I generally avoid them. But I have never refused to communicate or made people feel uncomfortable. That’s not normal even for someone who is extremely introverted.

I find visits from my in laws difficult and draining and I don’t enjoy the conversations as they’re very negative. I really dislike them truth be told. But I chat, I'm friendly and I pretend to be interested in their lives for a few hours but also ensure I have work calls or appointments or I’m meeting my mum. My husband gets quality time and no one feels uncomfortable, it’s a win all round.

The fact your husband sits with your family when he doesn’t have to, then proceeds to make everyone feel uncomfortable is ridiculous. He could easily avoid the situation but chooses not to. I imagine it could feel quite powerful to withold communication.

Sorry to say op but it sounds like he has emotionally shut down on you. Being introverted doesn’t mean you only have superficial conversations. The fact he doesn’t discuss anything personal with you is a very bad sign. The fact he gets defensive is a very bad sign and it sounds deliberate on his part. What is he like with the children?

There is nothing you can do but to match his energy. Pull it right back. Stop trying to talk to him.Stop telling him how you feel or anything personal, keep it superficial. Meet your family somewhere else and exclude him. Go to bed early or be busy rather than sit with him in his defiant awkward silence.

Because while he is going out of his way to make sure you don’t get your needs met, you are still meeting his needs. And nothing will change until things become uncomfortable for him. You will soon see whether hewants to live in an uncomfortable silence or whether he wants you to live in an uncomfortable silence.

This is an excellent post - and moves the situation on from the ‘plausible deniability’ claim of being an introvert.

I would take some time to consider how he can turn on and off this silent treatment and consider how hurt, unsettling and uncertain it makes you feel - and wonder if this is deliberate neglect / under the radar emotional abuse.

https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/partner-stops-giving-silent-pain-emotional-withholding-fiff/

It would be wise to assess all areas of your marriage for signs of controlling behaviour or other types of witholding.

If he can chat to his friends he can chat to you. He knows it would be considered rude or even hostile to not respond to his friends and that it would probably be challenged. I find as an introvert it is actually really easy to be around extroverts, they are happy to lead the conversation and there is not that pressure or the awkward silences.

Several people have mentioned they find the excessive chatter difficult and it can be exhausting after a while. I agree. However the chatter is often really connection seeking and once that connection is met most people are not offended if you want some quiet time. We intuitively do this with small children when really we don’t feel like it. We know we have to give them some connection then they happily go and do their own thing, then they come back and try to connect again.

I suppose what I’m saying is that if he wants to be left alone the easiest way to achieve that would be to meet some of your need for connection. It’s really not difficult.

It sounds like there is an aspect of this that he enjoys. Because the situation with your family sounds awful and if he wanted them to stop trying to engage him, he would engage. Or he’d make excuses like I do and be somewhere else. We’re talking a few sentences aren't we, as often that’s all that is required because people want to tell you their news. So mostly all he has to do is listen. And you haven’t said much about this, but is he actually listening?

I think it’s either a form of control and contempt towards you, or he’s thoroughly boring.

From what you say, I think the former is most likely.

Whichever it is, it’s death by 1000 cuts and it will progressively wear you down.

Ghostbuster2639
Get on with your life and let him live in the silence he desires. Stop trying to engage him or trying to be entertaining in the hope he might engage. Regardless of the reasons it’s fucking rude and abnormal. Potentially controlling too

Exactly.

We don't know why he's silent. Counselling, if he agrees, could get to the bottom of it.

My parents knew a couple where the wife would cry, because her husband was just like this with her. Silent withdrawn disinterested. Never spoke, or broached any topics. Their children staged an intervention, had talks with him re how upset their mum was.

A couple of years down the line it was discovered he DID talk - to others outside the home. Just, not to his wife. It was all designed to upset her. Succeeded very well. No doubt some on here would have said oh he's autistic/neurodiverse but, no - he was just a horrid man who found pleasure in upsetting his wife. He liked the game.

Difficult because you are talkative and expressive and you are married to someone who isn't.

Its interesting that the idea of a quiet spouse has made some respondents here angry.Its not allowed! An Unpopular opinion, probably, but I don't believe that your desire for communication should overide his desire to be quiet. It's a bit like a couple with completely different sex drives.

I would definitely stop trying to draw your husband into conversation, it will seem patronising and annoying to him. From his perspective he could be exhausted by too much communication. The ham psychologists are out in force here (as always) but it does not necessarily follow that there is something wrong with him.

As an introvert, when I do speak, more often than not I end up thinking there was no point and at times I can tell that my partner views my utterances in the same way. We mostly live in a companionable silence.

Sorry but you are just incomparable, or have become so, there is no real answer unless you want to accept him as he is or he is willing to change.

I agree that psychopathology shouldn't be the go to explanation. But we also don't know that there a passive aggressive intention here either. Some people are just quiet.

Theres quiet / introverted personality and there’s unresponsive and downright rude. If you want the benefits of being in a relationship there are absolute minimum standards you need to meet or it’s unfair on the other person.

So they are incomparable then.

I’m an introvert but I talk a lot with my husband (who is also an introvert) and both our families in general. I’m not sure the introvert thing explains away not making an effort to chat with your spouse or family. Most people want some engagement with the people they’ve chosen to spend their life with. I wouldn’t be happy if my husband suddenly wouldn’t chat about news, films etc although now we have children we do have less time and energy to talk as much and the practical matters of running our lives have taken over more.

Sorry OP, I don’t have advice other than trying to talk it through with him again, it sounds tough.

My ex was like this. Tried to talk to him loads but he didn't engage so in the end I stopped bothering. It was a lonely relationship.
Would you be able to have a couple of nights away together and see if it helps being on neutral ground?

I suppose we are not a fly on the wall in this household so we don't know for certain.

If he is withdrawn to the point of appearing rude as The Brant suggests I would concede that's not ok for anyone who has the social skills to do better.

It does still seem to me that the expectations of communication are high and that the husband is not likely to meet them.

He has fairly low self-esteem and is persistently very negative.

Not sure even the flies on the wall would hang around the atmosphere the character in this household creates for any length of time…as it seems he is either persistently silent, defensive or negative.

Sounds excruciating

maybe he is much less of a deep thinker than I am (not saying I'm massively profound, I just verbalise what I feel a lot more).

Deep thinking and verbalising are IMO opposites rather than correlated

Maybe he is more of a deep thinker and is actually thinking deeply, having no reason to verbalise his thoughts.

I'm strongly extraverted and need to verbalise in order to 'know what I'm thinking'. DH is strongly introverted and does all his thinking in his own head.

DH listens to my verbalising and I look for friends who value conversation.

Really?

It doesn't seem like that to me.

If he were as non responsive to friends when he met them out and about I might agree it's a character trait, but why only be like that when he's with his family? I don't think it's asking much to have a few conversations about neutral topics in the course of the day. It is part of connecting with your partner.

Even most introverts need to connect, even if it's less regularly than extroverts. I think your set up of rarely communicating at all is pretty unusual although seems to work for you. I think both people in a couple have to make similar efforts. The OP isn't expecting stand up routines or non stop banter, just a bit of conversation during the day and when people are around. It's really not much to ask.

The fact that he won't even talk about it suggests that it's not something character based but rather a passive aggressive thing he does.

so - in terms of making it work - if you want it to be 20 per cent better than surely counselling is a good idea?

I read recently tht it's not time alone together that couples need to stay nourished / thriving - it's having new experiences together and tht really resonated with me. Once we have kids, couple time becomes just sitting talking with the same person you spend all the ret of the time with! instead of when you are first together going out a lot with the interaction of other people/ input from music/ nights out.

Could you make a real effort with him to do new stuff together?

Howver. I really feel that if you are this down about his personality at this point - the worst thing is to stay while the kids are young - because the longer you stay together the harder it will be to build a new life with someone else.

If you dread time together now and are thinking the relationship might fail I think oyou need to work that out fairly quickly so you can both move on to someone more suited. harsh and that seems. ?

Yes really! I'm standing up for quiet folk. Not everyone wants a lot of conversation and there is no reason why the needs of someone who wants to talk should outweigh those of someone who doesn't. Talktives don't have the authority to set minimum standards for everyone else to follow.

It could be passive aggressive, but I didn't see any firm evidence of this in the OP. Or any indication that he is withdrawn to the point of rudeness. Maybe just exhausted by all the attempts to beat conversation out of him.

Once, when speaking to a patient, I suggested that he needed to talk more and his reply was 'talking doesn't help' That told me.

It's a compatibility issue that's all you have someone talkative partnered with someone who isn't.

There’s “talkative” and there’s wanting the bare minimum of communication to sustain a relationship. Frankly if you are so extremely introverted that even minimal talking to a spouse is unwanted it’s pretty unfair to even enter a relationship.

I mildly resent having to “carry” meet ups with in laws once I couldn’t be bothered with it so mirrored fil and was met with anxious “are you ok” etc seems only some people allowed to “get away “ with not taking part…!

Stumbled across this post as I'm in a similar boat to you OP. 6 months later, have things changed at all?

I can relate OP. It doesn't get any better. Sorry. The connection isn't there and walking away when you are talking to him is a huge red flag. You are working overtime filling in all the cracks in front of other people so he doesn't look like the rude, disinterested person he is. It's exhausting. Don't do it. This is who is is. He's showing you and telling you loud and clear. Don't ignore it. Stop trying. Find your own happiness in things you enjoy with people you enjoy. Don't waste your energy on him. Put it into yourself and your children. It's of much better use there. You are not responsible for how he is nor are you responsible for hiding his rudeness to others.