Silent and passive husband

[Lareunion974]

I’m really struggling in my relationship atm. Been with DH 11 years (married 4) and have 3 and 5yr old girls. DH has always been quiet and quite introverted, but recently it has got more and more extreme. Sometimes he barely says anything at all (either just with me, or in group social situations) and I am there like a performing seal, trying to broach a huge range of topics to get something out of him. I really struggle with the lack of communication/feedback as for me it is key to intimacy (we have sex occasionally but not loads). I feel like we used to connect a lot more on a range of topics (politics, films, travel, comedy) and whilst having two young children does get in the way of that, I don’t feel that that is the real reason for the lack of communication. Most of our communication now is just very superficial/to do with the running of the house or the children. We rarely if ever have deeper conversations, which leaves me incredibly frustrated. I am at the point where I am embarrassed to have my family over as they will be making lots of conversation to try and include him and will get almost nothing back. My parents don’t say it to me but I suspect they might think he’s becoming very dull.

What’s upsetting is that if he is in the mood/inclined to do so, he can be much more passionate, expressive about certain topics, or if we see some of his friends out and about. It’s just quite rare that that situation arises however, so it’s just becoming a more and more silent relationship. I don’t want to be harsh, but I’m starting to wonder whether he really has any imagination/just nothing going on inside his head as he has so few opinions on anything. As I say, he was always the quiet type when we met, but it seems to have got worse and lead to massive frustration for me. At work has he no ambition but is also far too negative to change anything about it.

On the positive side, he is very solid with our two kids and has been respectful/helpful towards any professional ambitions I might have. He also does his fair share of the chores and DIY and is definitely a good father. He’s a very loyal type and has his morals in the right place.

I’m not sure what to do. The situation is really affecting me, but I am very very reluctant to separate; two young kids, not to mention the house and money, which is all tied up together. I feel like if the communication improved by 20% or similar, that would be enough. I don’t expect him to tick every box and I know I can get a lot of simulation from friendships, but the current situation is not sustainable without me going mad. If I speak to him about it, he usually gets very defensive and goes even quieter! He doesn’t really see that there’s anything wrong…

Has anyone been in the situation and managed to work through it? Do you have any suggestions? Like I say, separation would be the absolute last resort as things are working well enough, at least to sustain a reasonable family life for my kids. TIA

Massively unhelpful, but if I were ever to have another husband, he would have to be quiet and stay out from under my feet.

Have you talked to him about it?

You mentioned trying to include him in social situations etc. But have you asked him why he's so quiet? I would wonder if something was wrong.

I have had the same issue, but now when he does talk its aggressive and unpleasant. I tried talking to him and it just made it worse. For my DH I think lockdown and subsequent WFH full time has removed any ability for maintaining social interactions. Not very helpful I'm afraid. All I can suggest is you talk to him and see if you can get to the root of the problem. Brace yourself for the possibility he may not change though. Sending hugs your way as it's horrible to live with.

Have you asked him if something's up, OP? Maybe something is bothering him?

Relationship counselling might be good here? But what does he say about why he’s like this? Does he feel he’s like this?

I am introverted, and since having kids and taking on more responsibility and pressure at work really value peace and quiet. My partner gets frustrated with me because he want to chat, but in his efforts to make me engage I feel like he chatters endlessly at me and it's like a barrage of invasive demands all the time, which makes me withdraw further. Maybe your husband is just happier with far less interaction than you are - it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with him or that either of you are wrong in your approach, but it's possible that you frustrate him as much as he frustrates you.

Is he depressed? Tired? Stressed? Struggling in the relationship/being a father?

I mean he used to be more talkative so he can be interested in other subjects and talks about them. So it’s not that he just can’t.
I’m wondering what else is going on that could explain the change in behaviour..

@Asterales I think there is a difference between talking less and not talking at all.
When you are unable to talk about anything else than the practicalities ‘dc needs a new lair if trousers and where are we going with the dcs this weekend, it’s the relationship that is dying.
People always go on about sex on MN. I actually think that emotional intimacy is more important

Sounds as though he could be Neurodiverse/Autistic, depressed, COVID and/or WFH could have had a negative impact on him?

I would suggest couple counselling and possibly an appointment with his GP.

Sounds as though he could be Neurodiverse/Autistic

Why? All we know is that he's quite withdrawn.

Thanks for all your feedback. He has fairly low self-esteem and is persistently very negative. So in a way, this does border on depression, although nothing diagnosed. He does WFH and I am sure this has had an impact/made things worse, so I would love him to get back into a job that is more interactive. I think that would really help to be honest. Autism wise, I don't think so. I just think maybe he is much less of a deep thinker than I am (not saying I'm massively profound, I just verbalise what I feel a lot more). Thank you to the person who explained how it feels when you are an introvert, I'm a massive extrovert and sometimes struggle with appreciating that fact. Randomly, on the very odd occasion, he might take recreational drugs at a party. He can talk 19 to the doesn't and I really love it! Obviously that's not something he can be doing very often (nor does he) but it's interesting. How much of a change it made to him. Suggest that there are lots of thoughts roaming around in there, but he just doesn't verbalise them very much.

Have you asked him about it, @Lareunion974 ? If so, what did he say? If not, what is it that stops you? Is he defensive, maybe?

@Watchkeys I have, and yes, he does get quite defensive. Generally just says he's tired/distracted/been busy… I quite get off my case ". That would be fine if it was just a one off, but you can't be tired/distracted/busy all the time, and him being super quiet, has just become his modus operandi/ the status quo. I wondered whether he might be low in testosterone as his apathy and lethargy could be symptoms of low testosterone, but I have no idea whether that really is the case.

Because what OP has described sounds similar to people I know that are ND and Autistic, including multiple family members.

OP and we obviously do not know why her DH presents the way he does, hence why I specifically stated that he ‘could be Neurodiverse/Autistic.

A lot of us adults have learnt a lot more about Neurodiversity in recent years, and how it is outwardly displayed differently or not in different people, ages and genders. I also have knowledge and experience of this due to my job.

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Sometimes he barely says anything at all (either just with me, or in group social situations) and I am there like a performing seal, trying to broach a huge range of topics to get something out of him

I think you need to stop doing this immediately. Because as you say, you are performing to get some engagement, and that’s demeaning. It’s not normal to be so disengaged and it is either deliberate witholding communication or he doesn’t want to engage much.

Get on with your life and let him live in the silence he desires. Stop trying to engage him or trying to be entertaining in the hope he might engage. Regardless of the reasons it’s fucking rude and abnormal. Potentially controlling too.

If he’s making guests feel uncomfortable, tell him your family are visiting and to go out for the day or make himself scarce. Tell your family not to bother trying anymore. Nobody can be arsed with that. If he doesn’t want to engage like an adult he needs to clear off. Don’t allow him to sit in their company while they try, and fail to have conversations.

Do you think the more you go over the top the more he withdraws?

I'm a strong introvert and don't really say a lot unless I have something to say or find the subject matter interesting enough. I'm single though. In a relationship I do generally try to make an effort but it can be exhausting for introverts to be social as we are wired differently. Usually there is a huge amount going on inside- we don't sit and think about nothing!

What are your husband's interests? Does he have a hobby? Enjoy a TV show? Could you try to start a conversation around that? Any topics or theories he finds fascinating?

I second the person who said stop trying to perform around him. I suspect you're making him clam up more.

I know this is hard especially if he gets defensive but I hope you can find a midway point.

I'm what I would describe as a confident introvert and I agree with all of the above. I am comfortable with silence and find extroverts exhausting. Hopefully you can both communicate your needs and meet in the middle.

Fil is like this. He just sits there. Doesn’t participate in conversations. He is the only person I know who can just sit, not reading or watching tv - just inert. He never shows any emotions or feelings about anything. Don’t know how mil bears it.

I think it’s intentional in that when he sees his friends he makes an effort to engage.

I agree with PP that he’s potentially controlling - evidenced by his defensiveness when you bring it up and his withdrawal with you and your family.

He sounds silently contemptuous of you.

Do you feel lonely in this relationship?

Two of my friends suffered this same problem (separately with their husbands) it came to a head in their late 40s. It seemed once kids came along they were in the "mummy" role and that the husbands were passengers in all activities.

One of them got so fucked off every time they went for a meal cos she always had to ask for the bill. She just wanted to sometimes not have to be the "do-er", it's a other mental load to bear.

Their husbands retreated into their work or hobbies, leaving them emotionally high and dry.

I'm sorry but I do think it's a form of opting out of the relationship.

I think it’s very unfair on the other person. If you want all the benefits of being in a relationship the least you can do is have the courtesy to interact with the other person. Mil does everything too sort of waits on him and he just sits there. It’s hard to watch tbh very weird “relationship”.

He sounds like incredibly hard work, and very boring to live with. It's not something I could put up with, especially the not engaging when family are visiting- that's just plain rude.

You can talk to him about it, suggest counselling etc, but it sounds like he doesn't care about your feelings at all.

The issue you have here is that his silent but active hostility towards you is draining and will eat you up.

You are not in an emotionally nourishing reciprocal relationship which is a basic need for anyone - especially when you are raising young children as they need to see and sense a happy, contented fulfilled Mum. Also it’s not that it’s just neutral that you are getting nothing from this as if you were single - you are being drained and getting getting attacked with his defensiveness.

Your needs are basic requirements in any relationship - it’s like living without oxygen - don’t let him minimise or dismiss these with his anger.

He does sound depressed and dreary. I would be finding my boundaries and consequences….he needs to find an new job, do counselling, see GP, join a gym, plan a date night / conversation night weekly / little acts of kindness by x, y, z date etc.

This isn’t sustainable.

His behaviour could drag you into a depressive state also.

Don’t let that happen.