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Original poster

anyone elses DP talk about ex a lot?

19 replies

whatapain · 12/02/2008 21:29

so, I have a kind of casual relationship with someone, not sure really even whether to call him DP. Basically I see him once, maybe twice a week.

Have known him on and off for years but have only got intimate recently.

He has made it clear he's not after the romance of the century as he's been hurt lots (and I don't want the full on thing either...I think ).

Anyway, we get on great, he says he can see us together long-term but then he always talks about his ex. He has to see her as they have a DD together but she does have someone new. He talks about her constantly, tells me things they did etc. When I ask if he wants to get back with her he says no, never, he couldn't and all the rest of it.

Anyway, he has told her about me now. Then he said that whenever he tells her he has someone new she wants him back, so now I'm thinking he only told her so she'd want him back

I am fine with the casual thing, with him being good mates with his ex and all that, but I don't want to be used until she takes him back.

Any advice? Please? It's driving me mad.

OP posts:
lostandfoundagain · 12/02/2008 21:42

so he doesn't want 'the romance of the century' but he can see you together long-term? is he sending you mixed messages wap?

Original poster
whatapain · 12/02/2008 21:45

yes he is, definitely.

I think he is 'testing the waters', expecting me to be like everyone else who has let him down.

OP posts:
madamez · 12/02/2008 21:48

Make sure that there is plenty going on in your life other than wondering whether or not this man is interested in a monogamous relationship with you.Because waiting to see what someone else does is not only miserable and boring, but when your focus narrows down to will he/won't he be In Love With Me you can often put off the person you are dating.
Obviously he has a relationship with the mother of his child: they are co-parents, which is a family relationship (just, usually, without the sex/romantic side of it) that should be kept up unless one person's behaviour (violence, mental illness, addiction) makes it a bad thing for the DC to maintain the contact.

Original poster
whatapain · 12/02/2008 21:57

thanks, I have no problem with his having a relationship with her, he just talks about her all the time. Maybe he just wants to get it off his chest.

I think lostandfoundagain hit the nail on the head with the mixed messages thing.

And yes it is very miserable and boring feeling like this and probably all the reassurance I need IS putting him off.

It helps to talk though, so thanks...

OP posts:
lostandfoundagain · 12/02/2008 22:33

madamez - isn't that incredibly patronising? op has not said she has nothing going on in her life.

op - he is messing you around with those sort of phrases. and i would not get involved with anyone who waffled on about their ex. indicates NOT OVER IT

Original poster
whatapain · 12/02/2008 22:37

he is, I know that. I try to forget about him, think I'll be as cool as he is and just see him when he bothers.

But I am finding myself getting increasingly fond of him and when we are together we get on so well, it's hard not to fall for him.

I guess I need to take a step back until I figure out what he wants

I do have a lot going on in my life. I have two DC's, a wide circle of family & friends and I run my own business from home. But I am finding myself less motivated lately as he is always on my mind.

OP posts:
charliecat · 12/02/2008 22:42

Maybe ask him gently if he realises how much he talks about his ex?

Original poster
whatapain · 12/02/2008 23:15

charliecat - he does sound generally hurt by her, she doesn't seem a very nice person and she has messed him around a LOT. I really don't think he's over her even though they've been split up a couple of years. I have mentioned it and he said it's cos I'm easy to talk to

But if I talk about an ex, he changes the subject!

I think I need to back off a little and see what happens, I just really hope I can find the strength to do it. I feel strong at the moment but tomorrow is another day!

OP posts:
charliecat · 13/02/2008 12:31

Hmm, maybe you need to start changing the subject to him too instead of being a listening ear.
How strong are you feeling today

Original poster
whatapain · 13/02/2008 13:17

Hi Charliecat, thanks for the support. I feel fairly strong today!

He called to ask if I was okay and I told him my fears. The reply was 'that's not gonna happen, you're worth a hundred of her babe'. Hmmmm I just replied with whatever is going to happen will happen and I can't control that so I'm not going to think about it.

I am keeping busy busy busy. Kids on half-term so it's bedlam anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
whatapain · 18/02/2008 10:06

just an update as I need more support, please........

After calling me a couple of times of Friday including an hour of late night chat which was light hearted and fun, he then texts me Saturday saying he can't do it anymore, that he wants to be on his own and maybe we can try again in the future, that he loves me and he's sorry. I mean, WTF??

I am ashamed to say I replied saying he couldn't do that and could we talk? To which there was no reply.

Well I have been strong since then, not text or called him, and I don't intend to.

But I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach, I thought things were going well for us. We were talking about things we'd like to do in the summer and making plans etc. Now there's nothing.

How can he be so heartless?

I am staying strong, working hard so I don't crumple but the thought of never seeing him again hurts so bad. We don't live close so I'd never bump into him.

Just needed to vent.

OP posts:
littlewoman · 18/02/2008 10:30

This man doesn't have a clear head,and his hot/cold behaviour is clearly hurting you. At this stage, the issue is no longer what is wrong with him, it is whether or not you still want him as a negative influence in your life, because that is what he seems to be just now. Many people with xp's are 'not over it', not insofar as they still love/want to be with their xp's but because they have not finished processing the events. I am at this stage. Despite this, we must still find it in ourselves to regard the feelings of our new partners. Our pain or confusion is no excuse for inflicting pain and confusion on them. I hope you find someone who treats you with the love and respect all human beings deserve, nothing less.

Original poster
whatapain · 18/02/2008 10:33

Thanks LW.

I think I have seen a new side of him which I don't like one bit, and that is helping me stay strong. If he truly loved me then he wouldn't make me feel like this and you're right, I don't need all the negativity in my life

OP posts:
charliecat · 18/02/2008 10:40

Oh how gutting
The thing is although you have no intention of calling him Im wondering if you are hoping he will call on you.
Him saying he loves you and that maybe in the future is, well, just leaving you dangling on a rope till he decides to pick you up again.

Maybe it was too soon for him after his X?
Be nice to yourself

Original poster
whatapain · 18/02/2008 10:44

It's been over a year and she has someone new. But she still dangles him and now he is doing the same to me

In one sense I am desperate for him to call me, in another sense, I think it is better he doesn't because then it will all seem like mind games again.

I just feel gutted cos we had so many little things to look forward to and now that's all gone. My DC's have kept me amused all weekend but now they're at school....

OP posts:
charliecat · 18/02/2008 10:46

Brisk walk with mp3 player, manic skirting board cleaning?
What do you thinks going to happen?
What do you hope?

Original poster
whatapain · 18/02/2008 10:49

I spent all last night frantically ironing, never ironed so much so quick ever before!

Maybe a mad spring clean is coming up shortly!

I really don't know what I hope. I wish I had never fallen for him in the first place to be honest. He is extremely stubborn, I can't see him calling me and I am doing my best not to call him either. I just hope it gets easier soon.

OP posts:
charliecat · 18/02/2008 11:03

Bugger
Well keep busy xx

Original poster
whatapain · 21/02/2008 11:07

Well...I saw him again.

He was so lovely, I wish he could be like it all the time. He called, I said I wanted to see him (stupid me), he said he'd take a day off work and we'd go somewhere.

We had a such a lovely day, I'm glad we didn't end up in bed again because that would have confused me more, we just talked lots and had lots of laughs. Oh and he didn't mention his ex once!

I really think we are better off as friends. I think he's a little immature for me (even though he's 6 years older). I don't do mind games and attention seeking, I just like things straight and simple.

Thing is, I don't know how to make that transition as we have a very strong sexual attraction. But sleeping with my friend is just doing my head in and I really don't think I could stand him as a boyfriend, he seems too, well needy I suppose, I think it's the rebound thing again.

I do love him but he was starting to take over my life with his games and I was left feeling high one moment and crap the next.

Don't know if this makes sense but it helps to write it all down!

OP posts:
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