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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it worth saving my marriage?

15 replies

worrybeads · 12/02/2008 21:21

Me and my husband aren't getting on and although I do still love him I just feel exhausted by it all. We haven't had sex in ages - so long that I cannot remember why, or whose fault it was.

But I have been trying (through individual counselling and have been talking about relationship counselling) to salvage something from this mess.

I think he resents my close relationship with our children and maybe I have shifted my affection to them as there has been little forthcoming from him.

I've been trying, very consciously, to be affectionate and supportive around him and we have had some enjoyable times together recently. The rows are stopping but I can't help but feel I'm doing all of the work.

He asked me what was wrong this evening because I was quiet, but he wasn't interested in my response - that he didn't seem excited to see me at all these days.

I have done lots of forgiving: his temper, the time he hit me and I told him it was over forever, and I just want something back in return. I dare say he would say he's found me difficult to live with. But I think my low moods have been a result of his coldness towards me.

I can't help but think that him guiding us towards relationship counselling is his way of ending things, ending up with me given at least part of the blame.

I'm a regular poster but wanted to write all of this down and see how I feel about it in black and white.

Is it always worth trying? And do you know when it is truly over, in a kind of whimpering way, rather than a crash bang kind of way?

OP posts:
Shaniece · 12/02/2008 21:31

So HE is the one wanting relationship counselling rather than you?? That can only be a good thing right?? Do you suffer depression?? You say your low moods result in his coldness, hmmm, and you have forgiven him for his temper.

I think relationship counselling is the only way forward for you both. Sorry, but I get the impression you are not painting the whole picture in your post.

worrybeads · 12/02/2008 21:39

I have suffered from depression but now I feel well just sad (though not most days )

The whole picture? It would take a long long time.

I do want to go to counselling but we have been before (years ago) and it was incredibly painful - his lack of commitment forced me to tell him it was all or nothing: and he chose us.

This time I'm not so sure that would happen and I suppose I'm very very scared.

OP posts:
Shaniece · 12/02/2008 21:45

I don't know what to say but I hope you can get some good advice from someone. Take care x.

annieapple7 · 12/02/2008 21:46

You have my sympathy. Doing nothing is sometimes the easiest option. But if it is making you really miserable how long can it go on? I would use counselling if you think you can't sort this out between you.

TaLcYonHerTodd · 12/02/2008 21:50

Been trying to make mine work for years now, worrybeads.....am a little drunk....and post argument...so probably best ignore me!

We stay together ' for the children'...i resent him thouh..love him like a brother...but really resent him...we take each day as it comes, try to make it good, deep down...i just resent him.

sorry....talking about me
always worth trying though
you never know...

worrybeads · 12/02/2008 21:50

Thank you for your kind words annieapple7, you've brought tears to my eyes.

I suppose I do need to give this my best shot as when it is good it still makes me very happy.

OP posts:
worrybeads · 12/02/2008 21:53

TaLcYonHerTodd thank you for being so honest.

I really don't want to resent him, I want to build something good again.

OP posts:
TaLcYonHerTodd · 12/02/2008 21:55

...and you can, you sound so sincere,
you both need to work together...

it is so true about men from mars..women from venus imo

you are only here for a short time...enjoy!!

worrybeads · 12/02/2008 21:56

more tears!

OP posts:
annieapple7 · 12/02/2008 21:58

I think you have to think carefully whether you want to be without him. Picture that life clearly. Selling your home...being a single parent..DH turning up to pick up the children with his new girlfriend in the car ....waaah! That's what I always picture when DH and I are going thru' the same sort of thing....wonderfully motivating I find! You will probably realise you do love him after all!

TaLcYonHerTodd · 12/02/2008 22:06

good advice from annie

rahrahrah · 12/02/2008 22:08

oh annie! that's just like saying 'put up with shit' cos you deserve it

annieapple7 · 12/02/2008 22:11

No, no, no rahrahrah!
What I mean is sometimes you do need a way to decide how you really feel. The Op says she wants to see how she feels about it.

annieapple7 · 12/02/2008 22:12

I'm off to bed now but hugs to worrybeads - I am sure you will work it out. xxx

Shaniece · 12/02/2008 22:19

Good advice from annieapple7.

Hope you sort your problems out OP.

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