I need a vent

[Inthebathagain]

Are there men out there who have the initiative to organise a date without having to be spoon fed?

Currently in a LDR for 5 months. I suggested meeting half way on his free weekend day early on. He loved it. We did it again a different weekend after I worked out on the day we met up that we were both free. Again he loved my last minute suggestion. I thought he would suggest doing it again, but hasn't.

I've just had to spell out to him how we could try to meet up mid week or weekends in a way that fits around our work schedules and the travel. The reason this came about was because he was bemoaning he hadn't seen me for 5 weeks. He hasn't seen me for 5 weeks because he hasn't arranged to meet up. I could have done, but he needs to take some initiative.

Prior to him, the man I saw for a year lived 10 mins away. We had a standing weekday night we saw each other, then would only see each other at the weekends sometimes to fit around his childcare. 80% of those dates were arranged by me.

I get i'm a planner, but because I am a planner don't use it as an excuse for me to plan everything.

Hopefully today's spoon feeding of how we could see each other more will result in him taking more of an initiative on us meeting up. I think I've been clear that he needs to communicate more that he wants to see me and act on it. Will see how it plays out, but for today, I needed to vent.

Has anyone had any success in this area please? As my current and my ex experience (and the 2 men before them too) is not positive.

How many dates have you actually had with him in 5 months, if you’re going 5 weeks without seeing each other?

The moaning about not seeing me when he hasn’t been bothered to arrange anything would have made me lose the will to carry this on.

I’m not sure this can be classed as a LD”R”, he doesn’t sound that arsed to be honest.

I couldn't tell you how much we've seen each other in those 5 months. I've lost count. I have periods of intense work, then a chunk of time off, so we've spent a lot of those chunks together as I've gone up to his.

I made a decision after the last chunk at his to not be the instigator and see what happens. This. This is what happens!

If you don't plan anything. What would happen?

If this is already annoying you then it won't get better as the 'spark' is dying down. You should raise your bar and know what you deserve. He's being really lazy and you are taking care of all the planning.

Just try to stay back for a few weeks. If he doesn't plan/suggest anything then you know what you got to live with for rest of your life if you chose him. Then you cannot complain because you chose this path.

The reason this came about was because he was bemoaning he hadn't seen me for 5 weeks. He hasn't seen me for 5 weeks because he hasn't arranged to meet up. I could have done, but he needs to take some initiative.

Did you tell him this, very directly, or are you expecting him to read your mind?

He's also not been in a relationship for several years, so there are certain things he's getting used to doing again. Prime example is holding my hand or linking arms while we walk. He'd forgotten how to do it, took a while to remember about it and now initiates.

I'm hoping this is another thing he's forgotten how to do and pointing it out to him today in such a basic way will prompt action.

We'll see.

Forgotten how to do? Or doesn't want to do? It doesn't sound like he's that much into you.

Tell him what very directly? That he needs to arrange to see me if he wants to see me? Really?!

It very much came across as forgotten the first time I put my arm through his. His reaction, the way he was animatedly talking about it for a short while after and the fact he wouldn't let me walk next to him without my arm being linked in his for the rest of the day indicated it was forgotten.

Next time we met up, went through the whole process again!

Yes, really. You tell him if he wants to see you, he also needs to make the effort to arrange it because you're not going to be the only one to do so.

I would think the need for this conversation is obvious.

Hi @Inthebathagain my ex was exactly like this, never arranged anything, it was always me. It did get to me, it was just the way he was tbh, he had lots of other lovely qualities so i did eventually overlook it.

We'll have to disagree then.

His realisation today has been a while coming, but he got there by himself. I've had to spoon feed the details of how we can meet up more in the future, but he's wanting the change himself.

Had I sat him down and told him the change I expected him to make, he would have felt belittled, I would have felt bossy. If change happened, it would be a desire to change because I told him my expectations of him, not because he wanted it. And had he not changed, I'd have been left feeling disappointed and let down.

As far as I can tell from your posts, you're trying to communicate your expectations via demonstration and then getting frustrated that he's not following your lead properly. If you want someone that takes the lead, then yeah, either be direct or stop arranging and see what he does.....and if he doesn't, kick it into the long grass. The old adage 'if he wanted to, he would' has never failed me.