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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Splitting up and can’t cope - panicking

26 replies

Moominsthemoomins · 26/03/2023 06:55

DH and I have been having problems for years, last year has been particularly bad, he’s completely withdrawn, said he’s not in love, not attracted to me anymore. I finally accepted the marriage was over but now I’m panicking. I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to lose my family (we have three kids and I am very close to his family, I have very little family of my own). I am seriously not sure how I am going to get through this. For now we are living together (separate bedrooms) and haven’t told the kids.

Has anyone been there? Is it normal to feel like this? I have been much stronger and more positive in the past but now it’s real I feel like I can’t cope. I am considering begging him to try again, but I feel like this would be a new low.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominsthemoomins · 26/03/2023 07:40

Anyone? 😞

OP posts:
qqq82 · 26/03/2023 07:42

It's totally normal
It's going to hurt like hell
But you will get through it
Like everything else it is going to take time
Please seek legal advise asap
You need to protect yourself now
He isn't your friend anymore

Villssev · 26/03/2023 07:43

Will it be an amicable divorce?
will you be financially ok?
do you work?

Villssev · 26/03/2023 07:44

I am still very close to my inlaws

but the divorce was v amicable. No third party . Tbh - he’s my best friend! And no financial concerns so this all helped

SmugglersHaunt · 26/03/2023 07:45

I’m sorry you’re going through this - but if you begged him to reconsider would it actually help? I think it would just be delaying the inevitable. You deserve to be happy.

It may be horrible for a while but you’ll get through it, and like most things, it won’t be as bad as it seems.

MintJulia · 26/03/2023 07:45

Whatever you do, don't beg.

But just because you split from your dh does not mean you lose contact with your ils. They are still your dc's grandparents and will still want to be in their lives.

Look for somewhere to live that allows you to maintain the relationship. Your dcs will benefit from a close relationship with their DGPs.

Angelselevenx · 26/03/2023 07:46

Hi @Moominsthemoomins

I was with my fiancé for 7 years, owned a house etc (no children) and realised I was falling out of love with him. I made the call to split and we continued to live together whilst we sold the house. Even though I split with him, it hurt, it was hard and I didn't think how I'd ever get through it, but I did. We sold the house and I bought my own 2 bed and then met my current partner who I've now bought a house with and couldn't be happier.

It gets easier, you'll get through it, keep busy with the kids, make sure you look after yourself but I promise you'll get through it.

Original poster
Moominsthemoomins · 26/03/2023 07:54

Thank you all so much. Yes it should be amicable if I can calm down - we had previously agreed to split in a very friendly way but now I just feel so hurt and let down (as it wouldn’t have been my choice).

I have a good career and should be fine financially. We plan to split time with kids 60/40 (slightly more time with me). Good to know others have stayed close to their in laws. It’s just so painful right now to think of losing them on top of everything else.

OP posts:
Startoftheyear2023 · 26/03/2023 08:02

I'm so sorry. That sounds really tough. Be kind to yourself. Divorce/separation is brutal. Tell your ILs how you feel. You'll be ok 💐

DustyLee123 · 26/03/2023 08:11

Life will move forward and you will meet new friends, having kids is great for meeting new people.

WhoStoleMyTiddyOggy · 26/03/2023 08:14

Divorce is brutal but you WILL come out the other side & after a while, be stronger than ever before. Flowers

Original poster
Moominsthemoomins · 26/03/2023 08:33

Thank you all, I know I need to get in a different mindset. I think the fear of being abandoned - or the reality in fact (especially for someone who had a difficult childhood) is so intense. But the truth is I have good friends and work I enjoy, and am lucky in so many ways. I will just really miss that feeling of being part of a family. Sometimes it feels unbearable but I have to know I’ll get through it. It will be a different life but it will have its own very good things I have to hope.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominsthemoomins · 26/03/2023 08:56

@MintJulia why do you say so strongly not to beg (just so I understand)?

I keep thinking it might be worth it if it could keep us together, but I know really it won’t. We could also go back to our (really terrible) marriage counsellor, but I don’t think I could survive that…

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominsthemoomins · 26/03/2023 08:58

I am still in my thirties so have a lot of life ahead of me, I need to focus on that…

OP posts:
MintJulia · 26/03/2023 09:02

If your dp is less attracted to you at the moment, your begging will just make him feel uncomfortable & drive him away. Someone begging just shows how little value they place on themself. And if you don't value yourself, why should he place any value on you?

If you beg, he knows he can wander off and you'll still probably take him back in the future. It makes for an unhealthy balance of power.

Whereas if you act calmly and positively, you will at least retain his respect.

User285862 · 26/03/2023 09:03

Hi my partner has just told me this morning he doesn't love me anymore so I am in the same boat as you minus kids

Original poster
Moominsthemoomins · 26/03/2023 10:19

@MintJulia thank you. I know you are right.

@User285862 so sorry to hear. It’s so hard, isn’t it? But we will get through this 💐

OP posts:
Babyandmexox · 26/03/2023 10:32

I’m also in the same situation.. I’ve put a lot of weight on since being pregnant - I had a miscarriage just before I fell pregnant with DD and I had started to gain weight then. And due to so many complications during pregnancy I was immobile for most of it. And I’m really struggling to loose weight. I know it’s down to that he’s made comments about it before, we still live together but I do have my own place but currently decorating. I’m absolutely devastated DD is only 8 months, I suffer terribly with anxiety and I’m so scared to live alone with DD.

Butterfly44 · 26/03/2023 11:08

Stay strong. Maybe go away for a couple of days to process and think...if you are able to keep things amicable you will be far better off all around, for your children also. If you agree on respecting each other as the first and foremost rule.
I can't imagine in laws will drop you. You are the mother to their grandkids. If you have a good relationship as it seems that won't change.
While it hasn't happened to me directly it has to my brother. My parents were disappointed but they are adults, it's their life. They haven't dropped my SIL, they are still in contact and everything is pretty much the same... it just doesn't get talked about!

Original poster
Moominsthemoomins · 26/03/2023 11:37

@Babyandmexox so sorry you’re going through this with such a young baby. Do you have a good support network around?

@Butterfly44 thank you so much, your comment has really helped me. I am going to reread it when I need to remember to stay strong 💐

OP posts:
tothelefttotheleft · 26/03/2023 11:46

Butterfly44 · 26/03/2023 11:08

Stay strong. Maybe go away for a couple of days to process and think...if you are able to keep things amicable you will be far better off all around, for your children also. If you agree on respecting each other as the first and foremost rule.
I can't imagine in laws will drop you. You are the mother to their grandkids. If you have a good relationship as it seems that won't change.
While it hasn't happened to me directly it has to my brother. My parents were disappointed but they are adults, it's their life. They haven't dropped my SIL, they are still in contact and everything is pretty much the same... it just doesn't get talked about!

Maybe the in-laws will be ok but most of the time they aren't from what you read on here.

Original poster
Moominsthemoomins · 26/03/2023 12:33

@tothelefttotheleft i am fairly hopeful (when I’m not feeling awful) as they have been supportive so far, and we are close. But things might change somewhat when new partners etc are involved I would imagine…

OP posts:
Babyandmexox · 26/03/2023 15:12

@Moominsthemoomins I have family and a couple of friends not anyone who can really help me hands on and I’m not one to emotionally open up..I will just get on with life and make sure my little girl has everything she needs.

I really hope everything works out for you, it’s so crap but times a healer.

Hbh17 · 26/03/2023 16:42

Well, if you have kids you will still be "part of a family", ie you & them. You won't be "alone", but even if you were, why would that be a bad thing? Living with your husband didn't make you happy so being the solo adult in the house will be liberating & far probably much more enjoyable.

Autienotnautie · 26/03/2023 17:26

I felt the same. I had a sister and parents but not that close to them. Exdh family is massive so I was use to having on tap childcare/support. At first I did struggle but within a few weeks I loved being single. I could do whatever I wanted, take kids where I wanted and house was cleaner too. I got a part time job two nights a week as kids were at their dads 3 nights. The other night is either go out with friends (I found friends loved singles nights out) or I'd cook my favourite meals and chill out with a film. Then I met some one and I had a boyfriend, more friends and a new family. We have been together 15 years and he's been the best stepdad to my kids and we had another child I'm not saying it's perfect but I'm a lot happier than I ever was with exdh who has gone through two marriages since. He's like an acquaintance now.