How to leave when you’re not quite ready

[Igetolderbutneverwiser]

What happened to me?!
I used to be so independent and no matter how hard I may have found it to walk away from a relationship, I did because I felt it was for the best in the long run.

I’ve been with DH for several years and in that time it’s been full of ups and downs.
I know his behaviour isn’t okay, I know I should leave, yet I find myself continuing to try to make it work. I love him and can’t bring myself to walk away.
I know I deserve to be treated better and we don’t have the relationship that I want.
I told myself early on that I had to stop walking away and start putting more effort into making a relationship work, because those who I know that have been together for many years have had lots of ups and downs.
I just don’t see this as “weathering the storm” anymore. He can’t communicate properly or deal with conflict, both of which cause big problems for us. And he cannot be in the wrong about anything, instead he twists everything to make it my fault somehow.
I’m very much a self-reflecter and when I recognise that maybe I could have handled something better or if I’ve done something wrong, I will hold my hands up and apologise. He simply can’t do this, except at times when I have been very close to leaving and then he’s full of apologies - until the next time.

I feel so mad at myself and utterly pathetic for being in this situation. I never would have accepted this in previous relationships. But it feels different this time, I love him despite everything and I don’t know how to break away, I just keep believing it will get better, and usually it does for a while. I keep willing myself to have that “I’m done once and for all” feeling but it’s just not there.

We don’t have kids together, but both have kids from previous relationships.

For those of you who were in a similar situation, how did you finally make that leap? What did it take?

Hi, how are you doing right now?

You are not alone

If it's a big life goal and an adjusment, try to chop it up into a lot of pieces.

Try to rebuild your support network.

Don't keep your secrets to yourself, talk to your GP if you can.

Leave when and if you have a support network that will help you through the grieving process. Don't isolate yourself even more.

You don't owe anyone your happiness. You don't have to weather these storms. It's ok to want a change if scenery and enjoy a quiet place for once.

You don't need to be mad at yourself. It's not your fault what once worked doesn't. It's not your fault. You are brave, asking for a way out, when it doesn't feel final.

It will never feel final. You don't owe him your entire life because you want to live yours on your own terms.

You can get a long way on hope, hoping things will improve, and I'm not sure if there ever comes a time when everything is lined up and in place to leave, sometimes you just have to bite the bullet.
What stops a lot of people is the unknown and the unfamiliar, the upheavel of it all. When a relationship breaks down it is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting, you need to find a strength you never knew you had, and hold on to the fact that your on your way to a better way of life, even though it doen't necessarily feel like it at the present time. A year down the line you will regret staying put when you could have put the worst of it behind you and start enjoying you fresh start.
Most importantly you have to be very kind to yourself, celebrate every step, no matter how small. Faith over fear.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I know I deserve to be treated better and we don’t have the relationship that I want.
That is enough. You do not owe him anything and you owe yourself the priority.

He can’t communicate properly or deal with conflict, both of which cause big problems for us. And he cannot be in the wrong about anything, instead he twists everything to make it my fault somehow.
As you clearly know, his inability to resolve conflict like a grown-up is a huge issue and you should not accept any blame on that score.

You promised yourself you’d work at a relationship, but you could never guarantee a partner would do the same. So it’s not on you if this relationship ends.

You’re worthy of happiness.

Yes, faith over fear. If this helps, it's one of the hardest things women go through ever. It felt like hell to me. You are not weak because this is objectivley a hard time for most of us.

Thank you for your replies @cassiatwenty

I’m a bit teary but I’m okay. Had a difficult night with DH, we have some important things to deal with and he said something which really shocked and upset me, it feels like he doesn’t know me at all and it was not what I would expect from my husband in the situation.

I just don’t feel he has any respect for me. And I’m angry that I’m not even respecting myself by still being with him.

In terms of support network it’s tricky. I have friends but this isn’t something I feel I want to share with them at the moment. I’ve discussed a few things with my family but realise this isn’t fair, they are naturally going to feel upset or worried and so I’ve been trying to hold back recently, because if I’m not ready to leave then why put them through it as well.

It doesn’t help that work is always very stressful and I feel like I have no escape from either situation. It was particularly bad a few months back and I finally listened to my body and took a few days off work, but it was nowhere near enough. I’m exhausted

I just don't want you to feel alone. I have been there for so so so long. You go to bed exhausted and you wake up exhausted.

I'm not here to give you advice, just support you when I can. Sonetimes just talking to someone else helps who is not him. About anything, soaps, hobbies, future plans. It's okay.

You probably feel bad bc that toxic relationship eroded your self-esteem, but when you are surrounded with people who build you up and not tear you down, your image of yourself changes

⚘🌸