Sexless relationship - need advice

[JHSM]

Hi,
I’ve joined this forum literally to ask for advice, don’t have any children myself and have read through some similar posts on this topic.

I’m 50 and have been with DP for 10 years (5 years younger than me). He’s always had low mood issues (there since his 20s) but got significantly worse 4 years ago when he was formally diagnosed with depression and started on medication.

The medication has made a positive difference but side effects have completely obliterated his libido. Despite us trying, sex became really difficult and we are now at the point where we haven’t had sex for over 3 years.

We have talked about it on a number of occasions. Sometimes it really bothers me, a lot of the time it doesn’t…. He says it bothers him and he feels like he has been castrated. He did speak with his Dr a couple of years ago and tried an alternative medication but he had horrible side effects and had to stop.

We generally get on very well, love each other and laugh a lot. He’s never been a particularly tactile person anyway but we cuddle and kiss still.

He has talked about coming off the medication to revive his libido but he’s admitted he’s terrified of the depression returning and understandably doesn’t want to return to that dark place.

I know his mental health is really important but I feel like I’m now celibate and that the decision was made for me. Sex isn’t the be all and end all for me but in my mind it’s part of a good relationship and part of staying intimate.

We also lost our beloved dog and I lost my mum in the last 18 months as well (my mum just over a year ago). He has been an amazing support to me through the worst times.

I know sex isn’t everything but I worry we are turning into friends - I have said this to him and he says we’re not.

I don’t feel that it’s bad enough to leave. We have a good life together. I also know when I am unhappy with myself, this comes to the fore more.

I just want to get some objective advice to try and make sense of how I’m feeling.
thank you for reading. X

Please May I ask what caused his depression?

No one particular obvious cause - apparently some family history and previous episodes of low mood.

Can he see a specialist? Will he be intimate in other ways?

What type of specialist? His GP is the only person he’s dealt with and he’s not had any contact with them since before the pandemic.

He is intimate in that he’ll kiss and cuddle sometimes but nothing more of a sexual nature at all.

Could you start being sexual with each other without penetration? Sometimes the less you have sex the less you want it, which is probably the case for your h now, but you're not happy so physica intimacy and giving each other pleasure in various ways should be a priority. Giving each other sensual massages, extended kissing etc might get the spark back a bit. I think your h owes it to your marriage to at least be willing to try. If there's no interest in any intimacy at all that's a concern and I guess only you can deicide what you do with that.

I understand how this may make you feel,you sound like a very caring and understanding person and don't want to upset him.Loosing your mum is a very hard thing to cope with.You need love and someone who can make you laugh and show you a good time.After my mum died,I was supportive to all my family and I had to be the strong one,never broke down ect.Life was just the same,struggling with the day to day life of being a mum,partner and dealing with everyone else's problems and issues,I never stopped and looked how I was feeling as I would feel guilty.Then a year on from mums death it hit me!I found a male friend that I could talk too,he made me laugh,and I felt loved and he found me sexually attractive which boosted my self esteem and confidence.I won't go into detail as it's a too longer story but basically the relationship was short lived and I went back to my partner,as he fought for me and wouldn't let me go.Everything changed for the better,that was ten years ago now.What I am trying to say is that sometimes change can make things better,you need to start looking after you.Sex is important in a relationship for women as much as it is men.

Is it possible he could try talking therapy as well? Has he done that in the past? I've used medication as a bridge to therapy and have been able to stop meds, though I think in fact my supposed depression was more about stress and grief.

I would say that if you're keeping some kind of physical intimacy going, that gives hope - even if it's just holding hands or daily kisses.

There are anti depressants which are less likely to affect libido, l know your D.P has tried one alternative but it would be worth him having a chat with his G.P to see if he could trial others, especially if he hasn't had any follow up appointments since before the Pandemic. It's very sad you say he feels like he's been castrated, but equally sad that as a result of his meds you are now in a relationship with no intimacy at all. It's also worrying and rather selfish that he makes no effort to give you any sexual pleasure. As a previous poster says there's plenty you can do together so that you can still have an intimate relationship.