I need to leave, don’t I?

[IndecisiveX]

Moved country and my career to be with my DP over 5 years ago. Bought our house 3 years ago (in my name) which I am absolutely inlove with. I am 27 with a solid career and healthy savings.
Pros: DP is loving, loyal, funny and affectionate. We hardly ever argue. I’m very close with all of his family.
Cons: Gambling issues (£3k which I helped him out of), fighting issues (currently on bail!!), and complete lack of sex life (lost respect for him which lost my sexual attraction), and also fails to see how these things could be difficult for me to deal with? I simply need to ‘get over it’. Oh and he doesn’t help with daily house chores.
Recently I found myself growing tired of his bad behaviours and went to stay with my family 4 hours away for a week to think (which I have never done before), whilst away I reconnected with the city I am from and started getting excited at the thought of starting life again on my own. I also found I had my head turned by a guy who tried to take me out before who is very well connected and wants to show me ‘the life I deserve’ - so now my head is absolutely spinning!!!
DP is telling me things will be better from here and that he’s just secured a great new job but a huge part of me feels it’s too late to wait for him to start getting things right and I’m TIRED of it. I told him this morning on my return how my feelings are starting to change and that we are potentially coming to an end, he looked at me baffled like ‘well what am I supposed to do then?’.. and I felt myself softening to being his ‘mother’ again because he looked so lost 😪I can’t speak to him like an adult at all.
Any advise is welcome please.

Yes you have to end it. You are a successful young woman with her whole life ahead of her who deserves a man of a calibre equal to yours.

Sounds like you’ve had enough and you’re ready to end the relationship. Don’t waste time thinking what if.

Don't rush into another relationship and don't have an affair.

End your current relationship thankfully the house is in your name.Does he contribute to the mortgage? He may have some interest in the property.

Your pros list re he is not that convincing at all.

Be on your own and end this relationship asap, it’s better than being with a gambling addict. He will ruin you financially and emotionally if you stay. You’ve already bailed him out and that choice of yours to do that basically enabled him. Enabling only gives you a false sense of control and does not help he or you for that matter. You’re also acting as some sort of mother figure to him which is unhealthy. I would read about codependency in relationships and see how much of this relates to your behaviour re him.

The other man is a red herring and distraction but you can indeed have a relationship with a man who is not a gambler. You cannot help your current man nor save him and you need to realise too his primary relationship is not with you. Save your own self here.

Yes, I was toying with the affair idea and thought no I can’t because the guilt would be too much.. and would just be playing with absolute fire. He isn’t on any of the paperwork but yes he’s been contributing half the repayments so I will buy him out a fair amount. It’s daunting and my heart is starting to hurt for him but I think I’ve grown out of him :(

Thank you. Your advice is really helpful and I appreciate it. The gambling side to his personality runs in the family and they all have nothing to show for themselves because of it!! It’s just such an off-put for the future. I really need someone on the same level as me. I’ll read-up on the codependency now, never heard of it before in relationships 😥

I'd be wary of the guy who tried to take me out before who is very well connected and wants to show me ‘the life I deserve’ - sounds like a chancer and someone who will lead you up the garden path.

But yeah, your current relationship isn't worth keeping.

You need to end things. Then do nothing. Be single and reconnect with who you are. Please don't jump straight into another relationship.

I agree with this! The other guy is giving me the ick from afar. Though so is your boyfriend, obviously. DEFINITELY break up with him. But no need to add the new guy into the equation.

Very odd, but I feel icky about the other guy too!

The ick from afar 😂yes, I think more just the fact I had my head turned for the first time in this relationship adds to the fact I need to end things.. but I won’t be jumping straight into anything else. I just feel the urge to go alone now..

Yes leave this guy. You’re young, successful and got your head screwed on. This guy is just going to hold you back in life. It’s always difficult leaving a relationship even if you know it’s the right thing to do. But as you say, you’ve outgrown him and time to split

Do not get involved with anyone else for a few months at least. You're right, you need to end it. You also need some time on your own.

BE ON YOUR OWN FOR A WHILE!!

at least a year if possible. End it and give him a chance at being happy too.

I wouldn’t bother with the other guy. Take him out the equation.

for me: if were considering kids this isn’t the sort of guy I’d want as a father to my children - time to ditch. get your legal advice and start making your plans. You aren’t doing nothing wrong xx

He isn’t on any of the paperwork but yes he’s been contributing half the repayments so I will buy him out a fair amount.

What?? Why the fuck would you "buy him out?" He was rightly paying for his keep, and he isn't owed a single £ from you. Tell him it's over and he needs to leave.

Agree with PP - end it with your BF. Keep away from the other guy - he sounds too smooth and untrustworthy. Be single for a bit.

You’re not in love with him anymore. Sounds like you know what to do.

A lazy gambling addict who is currently on bail for fighting? Hold me back ladies.

He sounds immature and like you say, you’ve grown out of him. Tell him to go, put your house on the market, move home. You may feel it, but you’re not responsible for him. He is. His shitshow is his own problem.

However, do not dive headfirst into something with this other man.

And don’t you dare ‘buy him
our’. HE DOESN’T OWN YOUR HOUSE. You do. You owe him nothing. He’s basically been paying rent, as he would if you weren’t there.

Sounds to me like you’ve been far too giving. Uprooted, bought the house, doing all the household chores, sorting his gambling problem.
Do what’s best for you, and don’t let others take advantage of your giving nature.

A new start and new space sounds like the best thing, and to do things on your terms.
You sound like you are doing really well and you need someone in your life who enhances your positivity - not someone who leeches off it.

Thank you for your advice, and yes his life is a complete shitshow. I should have made it clearer in my original post but we also went 50/50 on the renovations so I believe he’s entitled to have the equity.. again, not on paper but feel that’s morally right? Or give him back what he put in maybe?

Thank you. Last night I contacted an agent about a listed apartment that I’ve seen and also to get this house valued.. then I guess I’ll start the process. I’m also 4 hours away from this other guy which makes it much easier to not start seeing him. I’ll be on my own and focus on me for sure x

Hi Op please take this as advise and not as a criticism. Buy spend some time and work on yourself after you break from your DP.
Moving country and career for this shitshow doesn't show good boundaries or decision making. You are lucky to get out of it so lightly.