Why can’t I stop thinking about him?

[Angel345]

I was seeing this guy for about 4 months - he’s 2 years younger than me and the kindest sweetest guy ever. He helped me get some of my self confidence back and I felt like I could really be myself with him.

After a conversation the reality was that we’re in 2 different places - he said he really fancies me and loves having a laugh with me but he’s not working towards kids/marriage (this is a non negotiable for me). He’s not ruling anything out but it’s not a ‘goal’ for him. Naturally we stopped seeing each other but now I can’t stop thinking about him.

I honestly thought we were on the same page - we always spoke about being in eachothers future and we also joked about marriage and kids so naturally I thought it would eventually be something on the cards. This guy doesn’t have a bad bone in his body and the physical attraction was strong.

He said he needs to move out (lives with his parents ) and get a proper full time job rather than what he’s doing atm. I know there’s noticeable differences with us but if it’s not meant to be why I do miss him so much? I know it was 4 months but I honestly feel like I’ve lost my best friend.

I was hoping he’d reach out and fight for me and for us. Now I just feel stupid that I thought we were on the same page.

how would people deal with this? Do I need to just forget about him and move on?

How long is it since he ended it?

what age are you?

what other things do you have going on in your life? Work? Friends? Tried dating just for fun (for now)?

Yes you do meed to move on.

It was 4 months. He shouldn't have felt like your best friend after 16 weeks!

It sounds like he is quite young and he is right amd sensible to want to get his life in order and sorted before he considers anything else like marriage and children. And he's right for not leading you on and being honest about that.

It all sounds pretty intense after a few months.

That's still the getting to know you stage imo, not the "we aren't both heading towards marriage so we need to split" stage.

It sounds like you didn't really mean it, you maybe wanted him to be manipulated into saying he was headed towards marriage to save losing you. Unfortunately your gamble didn't pay off.

He sounds very sensible. Hard lesson to learn, but you'll know next time to just enjoy the moment.

OP - it sounds like you need more going on in your life. No-one can fulfil another person’s every need no matter how long they’re together.

But 4 months is way too quick to have become so dependent on someone else. You’re still very much getting to know each other - so how could he be your best friend? (Personally I don’t believe in having 1 best friend anyway - having a group of close friends is nice). You sound lonely and a bit vulnerable. You need to get busy and interested in other things. Do you have hobbies/interests/things you particularly enjoy doing?

I agree with @Dery — there’s something missing in your life if a short-term boyfriend, however nice, leapfrogged everyone already in your life to being your ‘best friend’.

@Tomkirkman I’m 32 and he’s 30. We finished it just over a week ago.
I have lots of friends and things going on in my life but he just keeps popping back into my head

Was he very good looking and the sex the best you've ever had?

So he is 30 and only now thinking of getting a proper job. It’s a non negotiable for you, for dating to not be with a view of getting of settling down.

And yet, despite him not wanting your ‘non negotiable’ you can’t stop thinking about him. You want him to get in touch AND fight for you, for what? So he can casually date you while he gets his life in order and takes years to be ready to settle down?

He wasn’t your best friend. Joking about getting married doesn’t mean it was heading anywhere. You wanted it to. He did not. He made jokes, lead you to believe it was and then backed off.

He was right to end it. He isn’t the man for you. You deserve better, you deserve someone who wants the same things you do.