Thank you. And thank you for sharing your experience, I was at a point where I was thinking I was completely alone in this situation.
I kind of feel that my DP is similar to how yours used to be. He definitely feels like he has something to prove with his DC and that he is a good father. He's fully aware that the reason his children don't have parents that live together is down to him. His affair was obviously wrong, but he wasn't happy. He went about it in completely the wrong way. And I can understand why she felt so hurt. But it's been 5 years, surely there comes a time when you need to let things go?
I want to meet his DC, but I'm also not in any rush. I do worry about how his ex will behave when he discusses it with her. I suspect that the messages, invites to go to her house to see the DC with become more frequent. And that there will be many issues from her point of view.
We need to talk more about the messages etc, while I appreciate they have to talk to discuss the DC, and sometimes it can't wait. There are other things that aren't urgent, but he feels that he has to respond almost straight away, as it's always about the DC and I don't really feel like I can argue that. I'm also wary due to his in ability to be upfront. He needs to show that he can be trusted.
I do find it interesting that things improved when she was in a relationship, she was definitely less bothered about us and the messages were less. So maybe in time she will find somebody to make her happy and this will be less of a thing.
It's lovely that your DP felt he was able to put some boundaries in place with his ex. And that he was happier for meeting you.
I have a good co-parenting relationship with my ex, we talk about the DC when we need to, which is probably every few days or so. We mostly stick to a routine though so it's pretty straightforward. I must admit, it would drive me mad if he was constantly messaging to update me from first thing in the morning, until bedtime 😂.