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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are you Resentful after things said in argument ?

6 replies

Seasider2017 · 25/03/2023 13:44

this maybe long, but want to give the full picture
im 65 he 68 , not married live together 20yrs
No kids with him, I have adult ds at home
(please don’t go on about ds being at home, it’s NOT about that)

whenever we’ve had an argument he always brings up things from the past and so hurtful with his words, that I retaliate in my defence.
Ive started getting out more myself, going to pilates,craft, & aqua fit(I suffer anxiety and felt I was coping well to do something for Me)
It got thrown back in my face !
” him saying, you only do it because you had to something “
How I don’t support his hobby, not interested in it, I tried to defend myself by saying
“ I’m sure there is lots of women that don’t like their dh/dp hobbies “
Starting going on then about how celebrities wives follow them around even going to different countries with them
It got to when we go out in the day together
that’s all I do is go looking round shops(Clothes,house things, garden centre) I’ve asked in the past, you decide! He never comes up anything different than where I go!
He won’t go further than 30mls from home and has to be back by 4pm because he can’t tolerate traffic.
When he has a day to himself that’s all he does is goes for a coffee, also when we go this has to be added into the trip.

fast forward, week later and I’m still thinking off the things he threw in my face.
Ill go to start joining in conversation trying to bring it back to normality again, only for him to throw something else again a day or so later
He thinks he is always right, much cleverer than me he his hood with words.
He will say sorry, but that’s just to shut me up and doesn’t fit a minute I don’t think means it.

It just seems to be getting on top of me this time, I feel flat and don’t seem to want to do anything or go anywhere with him and I’m trying to think of excuses not to go out with him

Hes oblivious, in his own world as long as he does his hobbies, goes for a coffee and gets his meals .

Just needed to get this written down out of my head

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 25/03/2023 14:35

He's 68 and going on about what celebrities do? FFS.

It's good you've started doing stuff for yourself. Just do stuff you want to do without him.

TempNCforthis · 25/03/2023 14:39

Is he actually modelling himself on George Clooney? 😂I know you have lived together for 20 years but are you renting or do you own your house together? In my experience if men moan a lot when they are young they are bloody awful when they are older. He will only be worse at 78. What would a life without him look like for you?

billy1966 · 25/03/2023 14:39

Why are you still with him?

What is your housing situation?

He sounds awful.

Seasider2017 · 25/03/2023 15:06

We own house outright no mortgage
I am beginning to think how peaceful it would be and definitely no arguments without him.

The thing is
when he’s nice pleasant , we have a good laugh
I thought about leaving a few times especially when argued and things have become heated.

He though, just sweeps things under the carpet and thinks you should carry on as normal. Never to be mentioned again
Me, I like to sorted and know where I’m upto with people, but he will not back down on anything. His view is right.

Im really not sure if I can afford anywhere else to live ! Housing is so expensive now, even renting private(not that I’d want to at my age, there’s no guarantee how long before they sell)
Also it’s not just the buying somewhere, it’s the running costs.
I have a small company pension & esa benefits at the moment but I don’t get state pension till September this year
where by He has to himself 3 times more than me left to live off.

what a mess I’ve got myself into, this isn’t helping me either knowing I will be scraping
god I could cry right now.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 25/03/2023 15:18

What about moving into somewhere with your son?

billy1966 · 25/03/2023 15:51

OP, my advice at nearly 60 would be to first of all, don't rush into any decisions.

There is no need to rush into anything.

What you can do is make the decision to deatch emotionally from him.

Can you sleep in another room?
Start the research and planning into what you might be able to doĺ if the house was sold.

Could you take in a lodger for example?

Whats the situations with your son?
His age, ability to contribute etc?

Would he have to come with you?
Could you get a one bed?

Could you look at assisted living in a flat with a warden?

Look seriously into all your options.

All the while detaching from him.

If you no longer care about him, no point in allowing him to hurt you.

Does he do his share in the house?

If not, stop doing anything for him, shopping, cooking, laundry.

He's got more money than you, let him pay for stuff.

Ring Age Action for advice.

Ring your local council for advice.

Ring Women's aid for a chat, they could have good advice too.

This doesn't have to be your life.

I certainly wouldn't want to get caught for caring for the likes of him!

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