Would you reach out?

[RicciardoPerez]

Growing up, I had a younger cousin who is 4 years younger than me. When I stayed at my grandparents, she would visit and we would play away together. I ended up moving about 50 miles away but still saw her when visiting grandparents.

Lost touch but mostly because my mum and her mum (sisters) HATE each other. I don't know what the fallout was over as to be honest my mum has always said it's not my fallout to be concerned about. I have witnessed nasty comments from my aunty to my mum but my mum has always risen above it.

Anyway, I got married and invited my cousin, but not my aunty as I have no relationship with her. She doesn't like me because of who my mum is. My cousin sent her apologies and said she was booked to be abroad on that day. Nothing more said.

I later found out she wasn't away, but that her mum didn't want her going to my wedding. I respected that.

I have found out this morning (via a post from another relative) that my cousin got married 2 weeks ago and judging by the group picture, my family are the only ones who didn't get invited from that side. I'm not upset or anything, I respect it as she was maybe in the position of being told she couldn't invite my mum etc.

I've not actually spoken to my cousin since I saw her around 4 years ago at a funeral, but whilst having my usual pondering in the shower earlier, do you think I should reach out to her? Congratulate her on her wedding and ask if she fancies a coffee? I know my mum wouldn't try and stop me etc, she's always been of the mind that we are cousins and shouldn't be influenced by the fact our mums don't get on.

I know worst case scenario is she doesn't reply to me or doesn't fancy coffee and respect that, but can't help but wonder if I should just leave it and move on?

It doesn’t seem to be mutual though, you can try but given you asked her to your wedding and she lied and didn’t bother to try and see you around then and then not inviting you, I’m guessing she does t want to build a relationship.
if her mum isn’t nice, it might be more hassle than it’s worth for her so don’t take it personally.

You made some very valid points.

I guess I'm just feeling like this because growing up we had fun together, then it all stopped.

I haven't seen my mother for 11 years and we are estranged from her side of the family completely.

She has a cousin who is 4 years older than me. We are fb friends but never interact. Ever. I occasionally wonder about reaching out to him. The only thing that stops me really is that I can see from his posts that he is a) rarely in the country due to work and b) really not my sort of person!

But I do understand that thought/feeling.

Personally, I don't see any harm in reaching out as long as you are comfortable with her never responding or acknowledging you. Sometimes, it's just necessary to know you've done what you can.

Can't do any harm really to reach out. If she doesn't respond or says no at least you know.

Only if you’re in the Four Tops

To be honest, if you’re both old enough to be getting married then you’re both old enough to do what the hell you want with your lives without your mothers having The Final Say. Your respective parents’ opinions are just that. Opinions. And it’s absolutely fine to not have the same opinions or be influenced by theirs anymore in adult life.

Fine if they want to maintain the war between each other but trying to cultivate a Next Generation of dissention is just wrong. Sadly, it sounds like your cousin is still being emotionally manipulated by her mum which is a real shame.

Yes, reach out to your cousin with the congrats and offer of coffee. Don’t bother telling your mum until after the event, if at all. If your cousin declines, there’s nothing you can do about it really. Maybe write a letter saying it’s a shame you two seem to have fallen out as a result of your respective parents’ ongoing battle that they can’t move beyond and that you don’t understand why their battle seems to mean you two can’t be friends.

Sorry, what's the four tops? Lol

Reference to these guys and this song, I'd say 😊

@MyDogStoodOnABee haha. I got that. Guess you have to be a certain age to appreciate the joke

Personally I’d just leave it. If you should happen to run into her at some point in the future just be pleasant.

I've had a long hard think about it and this is what I'm going to do. She never reached out to me after my wedding to offer her congratulations etc, so I think that perhaps tells me her feelings with it all.

It’s best, I think.