Help me to stop overthinking

[grateful3]

Just wanted some advice please. My DH and I have been married over 20 years. He is quite shy and only has a handful of close friends. He works in a female dominated workplace and is in management. We have always got on and never argued until he became close to a female colleague. I knew of this colleague but didn’t know they were such close friends. When I found out it resulted in lots of tears and disagreements. I suggested an EA.

Looking back I am hurt for different reasons but mainly I feel a lack of respect from DH and the fact he felt he didn’t need to tell me about it. It makes me wonder what he thinks of me.

This happened a long time ago and they still work together but I keep getting triggered and feeling so hurt even though he is kind to me. I also feel very low self esteem now.

I know men and women can be friends but the secrecy and then his reaction to my concerns still hurts. It’s a number of years now since it started. I do think they are just good friends but sometimes I think there is a line in a friendship that shouldn’t be crossed or at least let the DW know about the friendship. I think the way he handled my reaction has made it worse. I’m not asking for any blame either way. It’s more how can I get better myself and stop overthinking. How can I enjoy our life together again and not let this dominate my thoughts after so long. This is the only thing that we argue about. Thank you

You suggest an EA not him.

Without more details I think it's hard to judge. It sounds like a friendship. That, I wouldnt have an issue with

Thank you. I don’t want to give too many details away in case she is on mumsnet. Lots of messaging after work and weekends. Going round to her house early in the morning to drop off gifts. Buying birthday gifts. Never does that for friends. She’s vivacious, her really likes her, he doesn’t have many friends. He doesn’t need to tell me everything which I agree with it’s just the way he was quite nasty when saying it. Seeing a different side to him. Switched location off his phone. We have it as a family. He will complain if the children switch it off. Searching for new clothes. Changing phone password. It makes me sad that he can’t be up front about it. I have never complained about any of his friends or him going out. He just told me to move on. Not to dwell on it. I know people can get very defensive but I didn’t expect it from him. I would openly share things with him and have nothing to hide. He lied about things too. I want to rebuild trust and he is kind but he can also sometimes say thoughtless things. Maybe he’s just changed?

That sounds like a full blown affair not just an EA.

Presents, going to her house, lying to you, preening himself etc

I think the change of behaviour with regards his phone is indicative of an EA at the least, I'm sorry to say.
That raises more concern than a 'Secret' friendship.
I think you've every right to ask more questions tbh.

💐

Sorry O.P. but going round to her house early in the morning to drop off gifts? And changing his phone password? I'm afraid it sounds like she is much more than just a friend! I would be digging a lot deeper here.

Thank you for all your comments. This all happened a few years ago and since then he is starting to see how it looks from my point of view. He will never admit it’s an EA and just wanted to help a friend going through a tough patch but it’s the way he reacted to me that has hurt me. He gets quite down when he sees how upset I can be but tends to withdraw rather than show me the love I need. He mentions words like guilt, shame and remorse but also feels bad about letting her down as a friend. My question really is not if he’s guilty if anything but how do I try and focus on the positives rather than dwell on the past. He says he wants to be with me forever.

@grateful3 So, you're actually happy living like this? Come on lovely, have some pride in yourself! You sound like a really nice person, but knowing he's showing another woman what you should get in a marriage, regardless of whether its emotional or physical. He should be showing you this without question. He showed you guilt, remorse and shame, but then never completed the actions by actually consoling or promising you that you come first 🤔. Fight for what is yours, or let him go, because you can't be happy, surely. Much love and many hugs to you.

@grateful3 I hope I didn't sound too harsh. I'm sorry if I did. I know it was a while ago now, but if he's still like this with her and it's still pecking your head, something needs to be done, at least or your own sanity. xo