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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

am I the problem?

12 replies

Mommycool24 · 24/03/2023 23:10

Ok so I've been with partner for 9 years. When he drinks he drinks excessively and it's been a problem basically our whole relationship and has caused us to separate before. At the moment he'd take a few beers maybe once a week twice at the most because he realised the problem. Himself & friends booked tickets for a night out, that was fine. I was ok with that. He asked me was I annoyed at him going out and I wasn't in the slightest. Although he knows how I feel about him drinking excessively while out & he's quite aware of the problems it's caused before between us. He was walking around the house boasting about hitting the drink hard tomorrow night & kept saying it around me, which I won't lie it annoyed me a tad. It felt like a slap up the face. And I turned round and said to him if he's going out drinking I'm just going to bed before he comes home for I hate watching him like that, the conversation suddenly turned into an argument & he said that the problem is I don't want him going out, that I'm trying to ruin it & ive just killed his mood for going and he's not going to go now & it's all my fault. I tried explaining that I don't care if he goes, I just don't want to be sitting round him when he's come home drunk. I didn't tell him to not get drunk I just said I don't want to be around it when he gets home. I tried explaining how I'd feel like a complete hypocrite sitting with him like that as I've fought long & hard for 9 years with his alcohol problems and I've been through ALOT with it and I just don't like seeing him in that state. He said he just wants "one last blowout" and that I'm just trying to ruin it all with my stupid remarks and that he's not even going now because I've ruined it. Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
PhotoTakenOnAToaster · 24/03/2023 23:32

It sounds like he goaded you into making the remark about going to bed so you wouldn’t see him drunk.
What do you think his intention was by doing that?

TheCentreSlide · 24/03/2023 23:34

No, he’s an aggressive, manipulative drunk who won’t take responsibility.

CrotchetyQuaver · 25/03/2023 09:17

No, definitely him.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2023 09:19

FFS, get rid of this alcoholic arsehole already. I hope to fuck you don't have kids with this loser. Stop wasting your life.

qqq82 · 25/03/2023 09:20

Leave him
Seriously

category12 · 25/03/2023 09:21

Seems like he was deliberately picking a fight. This is so he can go out with a full head of self-righteous anger at you while he's getting pissed.

I'm not sure I'd want to be at home when he gets in.

cisisaslur · 25/03/2023 11:50

Mate this is not you and you know it. He's creating an argument.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 25/03/2023 12:34

He said he just wants "one last blowout"

Oh FFS he expects you to believe that?
That phrase is exactly the kind of talk alcoholics use.

He's really not picking up on the fact that you don't care if he goes out, don;t care if he drinks, but cba to witness the results, is he?

He was walking around the house boasting about hitting the drink hard tomorrow night & kept saying it around me, which I won't lie it annoyed me a tad. It felt like a slap up the face.
Something tells me he knows this, & it's the very reason he did it.

He's wound himself up into him drinking going out being a power play, a win/lose scenario where he gets to 'win' by getting one over on his wife.
The fact that you're not playing his power game hasn't occurred to him. He needs you to remain cast in the role he;s assigned you of Nagging Wife in order to feel powerful & in control.

Suggest you ignore all his drama queening about ruining his night & his performative I Won't Go Then (bet he will, anyway). But pay a lot of attention to the fact that he concocted an argument out of thin air, & how he is attempting to portray you as a persecutor.

Watchkeys · 25/03/2023 12:53

He's allowed to do what he wants.

You're allowed to do what you want.

Stop looking for 'right' and 'wrong'. Take responsibility for you getting what you want, without imposing what you think is 'right' on others.

Work out what you want, and do what you need to do to get it. Be respectful of others along the way. That's boundaries, in a sentence.

Minimalme · 25/03/2023 13:29

Once someone is an alcoholic, cutting down is impossible to sustain because of thee amount of energy it consumes.

Your partner is setting up his return to regular drinking. After this 'last blow out' he will start drinking daily and if you question, will say it is because you weren't happy when he cut down so what was the point?

NoSquirrels · 25/03/2023 13:30

Of course you’re not the problem. You know that.

123wentaway · 25/03/2023 15:04

Alcoholics do not and will not take responsibility for their drinking. The only time they do is when they get into AA or another recovery programme. Until then it’s always someone else’s fault.
Im sorry but he’ll always choose his addiction over you.

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